Self worth, Self Love, Self Respect

It’s been a long time since I published my last Blog. So many things that kept me preoccupied. Family, work, business and relationships. It’s true that when you are so busy attending to so many things all at the same time, you forget to take care of yourself, do the things you always wanted to do or even the things that you are so passionate about. Blogging is my outlet for my stress, my piled up emotions and my way of connecting to people with the same sentiments that I have.

Well, here goes….

For 3 years and a half my life revolved with a man I thought I would end up growing old with. I focused on our long distance relationship, our small business, our children and each other. My world revolved around that small circle I created for us. I forgot about the things that I used to do, like blogging, going to the expensive nail salon, having massages, baking and hosting events. My life was for skyping, fb messengers, long distance calls, satellite calls, etc… When he is home we would be together for a maximum of 3 months. Then he goes back to the sea for work. I was able to adjust to that kind of life, I embraced it. I got used to it. It was not a relationship straight out of a Fairy tale book but I was happy and content. My mistake was I trusted too much and I was too complacent. Until the day, we parted ways. The relationship ended without a goodbye. Just like that for 3 years a half, it was all over. No explanations, no goodbyes, no nothing…
I was left devastated, lost and alone. I cried myself every single day not knowing what I should do or where I should start picking up the pieces. I was a broken person. I lost myself.

I knew deep down inside nobody in the universe can help me, but myself. I started reading quotes, books, talking to friends, relatives and even strangers to cope up with the pain and just to get it out of my system. I was my own therapist. It’s funny how we can get lost in the moment. We forget who we were before a relationship started. We give in too much of us to that person that we tend to forget our very own being.

Self worth, is giving importance to oneself before the other. I matter to ME… Not only to people who genuinely cares for me but to ME, primarily. I am important! I value myself.

Self Love, Learning to love myself more than any other person. I learned this the hard way. For me to be able to love others, I have to learn to love myself and to learn I am worthy of Love, undying, romantic kind of love. I don’t deserve less because I know my worth.

Self Respect, they say respect begets respect. I lost all respect for myself when I accepted all the lies and betrayal in my relationship. I forgave so many times, I have given so many chances. I forgot I don’t deserve all that crap. For me to accept those things is for me giving this person a chance to disrespect me. How can I gain and give respect if i don’t even respect myself.

I started rebuilding my life. I got sick and realized so many things. Because I was hungry for love and attention I gave away too much of myself. I trusted, I cared and I loved. In the process of trying to fixed what’s broken it shattered me completely. And I have to re learn everything.

Too much, too soon… But hey, Life goes on. I have to take better care of myself from now on. If not, who else will do this for me but myself. Love thyself more, Know your true value and worth, Respect thyself. These are the lessons I also want to impart to my kids and other people trying to cope with loss and pain.

It’s never too late to start all over again…

Sexy Time

Since I have not written something just yet, I am re-blogging one of my
favorite post. And it’s almost Valentine’s Day all lovers out there.

Blogging my way back….

It’s been several months since I last blogged. I was so busy and pre occupied with my new work and my personal life. I have so many things to share and I am so sorry to disappoint my followers for not sharing my adventures and experiences the past few months. Anyway, I’m back and will do my very best to stay for good. Today marks my Anniversary with my partner Paqs. So many challenges, questions and trials but the good thing is that we made it!!!! Life has truly been different since he came along. I am much happier, content, more prayerful and more confident with myself. He made me feel I am truly special and that I am not less of a person because of the many things I have been through in life. The scars are no longer important when you truly love a person most especially when you fully embraced the person’s whole being. There are no questions asked, no looking back. I guess I am just looking towards the future. A future with him and a life of bliss. I thank him for the unconditional love and patience. I never thought I would find someone who could love and accept the person that I am. So thank you very much!!! I promise to do my very best to be the supportive partner you want me to be. I LOVE YOU so much Babe!!!

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What more can I ask for in life at this very moment??? Nothing…. Because I am content. I am in a place right now where I could just sit back and just taste happiness and peace. I pray for faith and trust so I could find my inner peace. I have also let go of the people who has always made me feel unwanted and very small. I had to because in order for me to move on I had to let go of the negativity surrounding me. I just want to be me. To be the person I want to be. I learn to love and respect myself even more and to love my children much much more.

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There are still challenges along the way but I have more faith in myself and in God. I know with a positive outlook and with a happy heart I could face anything that comes along. This year was really a tough one but it moulded me and taught me to be a better and stronger person and to stay focused on the things I want to achieve. God is indeed good to those who are patient and persevering. We just have to learn to really never give up and hold on to that faith. The goodness of one’s heart radiates in the totality of a person.

Happy and positive thoughts all the way!!!!

when Patience is being tested

Through the years I have learned to live my life with different trials, hardships, heartaches and miseries. And through the years I have learned to fight, accept, move forward and forgive. They say Patience is a virtue, oh yes indeed!!! One of the virtues I have in my life is having the patience of a saint. I really do my best to keep calm in situations that I could not even comprehend. I have been through a lot in my life and for some this is a true testament of a person being so patient, strong and courageous. Persevering in the face of difficult circumstance. We all go through life in different directions and we handle things in our own ways. Sometimes, there are people you will meet and be part of your life who will surely test your patience and energy and will push you through the brink of insanity. These people are the inconsiderate ones. They have no idea what you go through life, they don’t care how you feel or how you are coping.

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when Patience is being tested, sometimes you think your intelligence is also being put to test. You question yourself, you question your abilities, even your own character. You feel like giving up in certain situations that you feel you’re being pushed away or being put down. Sometimes you feel like it’s being done intentionally to break your spirit.

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Lately, in all aspects of my life my patience is once again being tested. Oh yes, I cried. Bucket of tears, sleepless nights even getting sick just thinking about it. I came to a point in my life that I wanted to just raise my hands up and just move forward. I can’t! I just can’t! I have never been a quitter nor a whiner. I always face my problems head on. I have come so far in life and my children look up to me in terms of being Patient, strong-willed and brave.
Life is an endless battle. I can never ever give up. I owe it to myself and my children. Even if for some I am not deserving of something I have worked so hard for, I can never allow them to let me think that way.

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Test me, test my patience, test others but you can never put me down. I may cry, fall down, fail, but you can never have the life that I have lived. A life that is full of love, trust and care from people who believes in me and who will stand by my side no matter what.

Look at yourself in the mirror and see for yourself, Are you even worth my Time and Patience?

of loving and believing….

My long distance relationship turns out to be full of unwanted surprises. At first it felt like it was full of deceit and lies but when I really tried to look beyond the reasons why He tried to hide some stuff from me it makes a whole lot of sense. It’s been almost 6 to 7 months of non stop communication. What’s hard is that you really wouldn’t know the real person unless you meet them personally and live with them.

I am still struggling to put my complete trust and confidence in him but I know that if it’s really God’s will for us to be together, God will find a way and He will make things right.

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I have fallen in love for so many times and I have been hurt in the process but the hopeless romantic in me never stopped me from believing that there could always be a happy ending. Life would be a boring process without love. Love for your family, children, friends and most especially Love for a special someone. I have always wanted to be with someone who will love me, accept me, respect me and my children and whom I could grow old with. I never wanted to find a rich partner, nor a handsome young man. Just someone I could share my hopes, my dreams, my failures and my happiness.

I found something in this man I am in a relationship right now. He may be a thousand miles away from me but the security, the feeling of peace and love whenever I chat with him is just so relaxing and serene. So many challenges has rocked the relationship that at one point I almost gave up and never wanted to see him in the flesh. I prayed so hard that I will be guided with my decisions and I will be enlightened. Every time our relationship is put to the test, He would always be there and fight for us. He never gave up even if I was the one who would always raise my hands and surrender. He never turned his back on me even if I had the shortcomings of a little girl. At the end of the day I came back to him. I was tested twice of his true intentions, of his true feelings for me. I never wanted to see him nor speak with him, I tried blocking all communications but still the emotions are far too strong to disregard. I gave him one last chance. One last…

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My fault is that I have never been too trusting, always in doubt, always in question. My guard is always up. The fact that I don’t want to get hurt sometimes hurt me all the more. Of loving and believing the one that you really love, of letting go of all the negativity and doubts and just Loving, believing and trusting your Beloved. Love is a risk. I always said I don’t want to take anymore risks but right now I want to be happy and stay happy. I want to fall in love freely. I want to set my heart free and just be emotionally content. I want to trust more and love more.

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So I am letting go of all the emotional burdens, heartaches and sad memories and just look forward to the man that he really is. The man who loves me and never gave up. The man who makes my mornings brighter, the man who looks beyond my persona. The man who inspire me to lose weight and look prettier. My, best friend, my lover, my partner, The man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Not that into you….

Well hello my dear followers!!!! I am so sorry for not being able to blog for almost 2 months. The past months was I should say the most crucial time in my career. I had to focus on my job, my health and my finances. Hmmm…. you might be wondering whatever happened to my long distance relationship. I am lost for words to describe what happened to him. He is still in the far away land of Sweden and I truly do not know if he is ever coming home. Sometimes, I just lost all hopes of ever seeing him in person. It’s been 5 months and a lot of my friends have been saying that I should be going out with real people, real men in the flesh. And so I did. I entertained a few men lately, went out on dates. Mostly for coffee, dinner, short talks and until recently I met a guy named Eric. I met him through a dating site and he lives near my place. He is a banker by profession. Initially, there was so much connection. We were of the same age, we share the same music, same sentiments about online dating. We were on the same genre. We chatted a few hours until he decided to call me on my mobile phone. We talked for 3 hours straight. It was like talking to a long-lost friend. I never felt anything romantic, just a connection to someone who listens, laughs and just the comfort of having someone there for me. The following day, we were texting, and him calling me during his breaks. I had a feeling that he might be feeling the same way. We found comfort in each other as friends. We decided to meet for drinks. I was nervous, skeptic. Though I saw his pictures not really bad-looking, not too handsome but fair and presentable. He went to my house with my directions and he even had a peek of my kids and he even said hello to them. He was very nice. A gentleman all the way. We spent the next 3 to 4 hours talking about our respective personal lives. Our past relationships, our music, our likes and dislikes. There was no hint that it was the last time we will ever see, talk or even text each other.

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The night ended him bringing me back home. I vividly remember what I said to him “Thank you, you are very nice, you’re a real gentleman.” And he answered back, Thank you, we’ll do this again. I said, Really? and he said Yes! I’ll text you when I get home and I said be careful and drive carefully. Don’t fall asleep because you’re still driving. He smiled. There was no good night kiss not even a peck on the cheek. He did not even held my hand even while we were still having drinks. He waited until the gate was opened for me. The last thing I heard him say was “Thank You”

I waited until he got home, but I never got a text from him, I fell asleep and in the morning I woke up and checked my mobile. No message from Eric. I texted him because I got worried, maybe something happened. He never replied. I got a message from him through the site and said Sorry, I left my mobile at home because I was in a hurry and the day was so toxic. Although I did texted him and said if he could just tell me what went wrong. Did I say or do something which may have offended him. Was I too ugly for him? Was I too comfortable when I was with him that I would just laugh at anything he would say and would joke around. What?!? What did I do? I just wish he has man enough to say that I can’t see you again because I don’t want to. Instead he left me hanging.

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I am an avid fan of Sex and the City and in one of the episodes wherein the character Miranda dated a guy once but the guy never called her again. She asked for the opinion of Carrie’s boyfriend and said when a man doesn’t call you after a first date “He’s not that into you!” He is not interested at all. I am just a bit disappointed because all along I thought we were friends. There was nothing romantic, we were fooling around, laughing at each other’s antics. We saw each other because we wanted to get to know each other more. I feel hurt, YES, because now I keep asking myself what did I do? and worst, I got rejected by someone I did not have romantic feelings.

It is quite unfair when you feel you’re being judged by someone who is not so perfect. An imperfect person has no right to judge nor find faults on someone who has been so accommodating, friendly, and accepting.
Now I wonder, was it a trophy for him to leave someone hanging? I do admit, I am not the super model type of woman, nor have I hidden the fact that I am a single mother of 3 teenage kids, I don’t know with him what dirty little lies he has kept under his sleeves. Did he ever question himself if I ever liked him at all?

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Well, lesson learned. You can’t please everybody. You try to be nice, you enjoy the moment, you let someone inside your crazy little life and you get nothing but disappointment and rejection.

I am ok…. My friends laugh about it. Maybe he can’t handle the fact that I was too strong-willed, independent and happy as a single mother. Or maybe, just maybe I was too perfect for him and he can’t handle it.

An imperfect world with so many imperfect people around. Who needs them? When you can be perfect in the eyes of people who truly appreciates, love and care for you. My guess is that He is not really into me but who cares? I don’t.

when time flies so fast….

I could still remember the time I had my first child Camille 19 years ago. It took my family by surprise that I was about to give birth to my lovely daughter. I was not prepared for motherhood at that time. I did not know what to expect. I did not know what mother’s are supposed to do. I was turning 18 then. I missed my debut, I had to stop school for a while but I never treated it as a failure in my life. I was young and I knew back then so many things can still happen. I went back to college went on with my life. It was so normal for me. I started working part-time because I did not want to burden my parents with everything. I would admit I was not able to enjoy being a first time mother. My child called me Achie, it was chinese for Big sister. I did not really mind because we were together most of the time and I love her. She was adorable. Loves to sing even if she can’t carry a tune. She likes putting lotion on my tummy. Loves to read books and magazines which now I know why she wants to be a writer after her degree in Mass-communications. She grew up to be an Achiever. From Pre school to College, Camille never failed to bring home the bacon. Medals, certificates, achievements. She gave it to me and I am a proud Mama.

Camille at 19
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Three years had passed and I had my second child Coleen. I thought all long he was a boy. I did not have an ultrasound because I wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised when I saw her and the doctor said “It’s a girl!” All I could think about was ‘AGAIN!” another girl??? But she was a darling. She was an extrovert. A show off. She would dance for everyone, talk non stop. She grew up a little naughty. Living her life as if there’s no tomorrow. Trying different things, experimenting. I could partially see myself in her. I call her “the REBEL” Although she is not as bad as I was when I was her age but she tends to go beyond. I let her do what she wants but I guide her. She knows that I wouldn’t allow her to do stupid stuff like I used to. I know better now. She’s my musician. She is great with the guitar. Has so much passion with music and Information Technology. She gave me grades of 1.5 for her First year in college. Who wouldn’t be proud of her? I am.

Coleen at 15
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My one and only living boy is Paul. Pao-pao as we fondly call him. My quiet warrior. He was born a year after his older brother Andre passed away. (You would know the history of this if you have read all my blogs). Pao is my miracle baby. He had a baby brother named Luke who also passed away 5 months after birth. Pao is such a joy to all of us. My daughters never felt jealous about the love he was showered. He is the baby of the family. What I like about Pao is he silently cares for the people around him. He doesn’t talk much but you would feel the love he has for you. Pao is the type of child who takes everything in stride. No pressure! He is a cool dude. Only worries when he has nothing to eat or nothing to do at home. He loves basketball, going to the mall and eating ice cream. I don’t really pressure him to do good in school. I just want him to enjoy himself. He is my teddy bear. I hug him even if he is now a teenager. sometimes he feels awkward most especially when there are people around us.

Paul at 13
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I guess my kids gave me everything that I never got as a child, teenager even as an adult. I had so many frustrations in life. I wanted to do so much more which I never did. but my kids are my greatest achievements. They have done so many things I am truly proud of. Whatever they have achieved in life, in my heart I know I was part of that. I am just the happiest Mom and the most fulfilled one because of my children. They inspire me, made me a better person. I am a complete person even without a man. I will forever be thankful to my kids.

Oh how time flies, I could still remember their faces as babies. When all they could say was Mama, help! Mama, ouch! Mama, don’t leave me. Now, they go on with their teenage lives. Started dating, being with friends most of the time. Doing their thing. I am not the conservative type of Mom. I let them be. I allow them to go out in the world and experience life first hand. I still have control but I allow them to be on their own, to make decisions for themselves. I am still here to guide them and give them advice. I want them to grow up strong, mature and disciplined individuals. I grew up with a very strong personality. I want them to have that. I don’t want people stepping on their toes. I want them to stand up for what they believed in. I love my children so much. Sometimes I feel sad that one of these days they will have their own lives, their own families and their own careers. I might end up alone. But I know my kids so well. We just couldn’t live without each other. but whatever paths they choose, whatever lives they want to live, I am just here to support them, nurture them and love them all the way. Mama will always be there for them, no matter what.

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I tell this to all parents to love your children, spend time with them, listen to them, allow them to breathe and spread their wings. Our children are the most precious jewels we will ever have. No husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend can take their place in our lives. Time flies so fast that if you do not cherish moments with them it will just pass by and you will just have regrets that you never had the chance to be with them.

Love them, protect them, nurture them….. Sometimes, they are all you’ve got in this world.