letting go and coping…

When a loved one passes away, the hurt and anguish we feel is overwhelming. No amount of words could express the pain inside. It’s like a part of you died with that person. It is as if the world has stopped revolving. You don’t want to move or talk. You just want to be cry and be alone for a while. You don’t want to be around people. You just can’t let go.

I have felt the misery when I lost when my 2 son’s Andre and Luke and my Dad. At first I felt numb, shaken and so broken. It’s like my heart was torn into a million pieces. I felt alone, depressed and devastated. I thought I was prepared for the inevitable as I knew back then that death was bound to happen to them. Nobody can prepare a person when already faced with the reality that your loved one is about to die. You think at first that it is better for that loved one to rest instead of fighting for his life and enduring the physical pain of a lingering sickness. It is too painful to witness a dying loved one suffering and you can’t do anything.

I saw my babies fought hard for their lives, I saw how Dad wanted to get out of the hospital and come home and do the things he used to enjoy. They persevered, they never gave up. they kept their spirits high. They swallowed their pain all for their loved ones praying and hoping for their recovery. All we could do is to take good care of them, love them and support them throughout their ordeal. Pain is tremendous. When I think about my own personal pain during those moments, I would think more about the pain and struggle they were going through but they never complained. Never cried nor gave up.

I just find solace whenever I think about how I lived my life with these special people. I did my very best to give love and care to my son Andre and Luke and my Dad. I have said the things I needed to say, enjoyed and cherished every moment when I was still with them. I am still thankful and happy to have given that chance.

But how do we really cope? How do we recover? How do we accept? How can we let go?

It is never easy. I would often hear people say, They are in a better place, finally they have rested and ended their agony and so on and so forth. On my personal experience, the pain never leaves. It can never be forgotten, I have never fully recovered from their deaths. Yes, people may see me laugh and smile and I could talk about them with less tears and a smile on my lips but I feel an empty space inside me. An emptiness I could not explain. A person never recovers, never forget the pain of losing a loved one. The heart is broken forever. I just learned to cope with the pain. It’s just there and never goes away because they were a huge part of my life and it’s hard but I just learn to accept that they are no longer around. I have memories of them I could keep forever.

We must never ever stop loving them even if they have left us. They will forever be a part of who we are right now.

I cope, I have to…. for myself, for my other children and for my son’s Andre and Luke and Dad who have gone to life eternal.

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