Monthly Archives: May 2013

of loving and believing….

My long distance relationship turns out to be full of unwanted surprises. At first it felt like it was full of deceit and lies but when I really tried to look beyond the reasons why He tried to hide some stuff from me it makes a whole lot of sense. It’s been almost 6 to 7 months of non stop communication. What’s hard is that you really wouldn’t know the real person unless you meet them personally and live with them.

I am still struggling to put my complete trust and confidence in him but I know that if it’s really God’s will for us to be together, God will find a way and He will make things right.

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I have fallen in love for so many times and I have been hurt in the process but the hopeless romantic in me never stopped me from believing that there could always be a happy ending. Life would be a boring process without love. Love for your family, children, friends and most especially Love for a special someone. I have always wanted to be with someone who will love me, accept me, respect me and my children and whom I could grow old with. I never wanted to find a rich partner, nor a handsome young man. Just someone I could share my hopes, my dreams, my failures and my happiness.

I found something in this man I am in a relationship right now. He may be a thousand miles away from me but the security, the feeling of peace and love whenever I chat with him is just so relaxing and serene. So many challenges has rocked the relationship that at one point I almost gave up and never wanted to see him in the flesh. I prayed so hard that I will be guided with my decisions and I will be enlightened. Every time our relationship is put to the test, He would always be there and fight for us. He never gave up even if I was the one who would always raise my hands and surrender. He never turned his back on me even if I had the shortcomings of a little girl. At the end of the day I came back to him. I was tested twice of his true intentions, of his true feelings for me. I never wanted to see him nor speak with him, I tried blocking all communications but still the emotions are far too strong to disregard. I gave him one last chance. One last…

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My fault is that I have never been too trusting, always in doubt, always in question. My guard is always up. The fact that I don’t want to get hurt sometimes hurt me all the more. Of loving and believing the one that you really love, of letting go of all the negativity and doubts and just Loving, believing and trusting your Beloved. Love is a risk. I always said I don’t want to take anymore risks but right now I want to be happy and stay happy. I want to fall in love freely. I want to set my heart free and just be emotionally content. I want to trust more and love more.

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So I am letting go of all the emotional burdens, heartaches and sad memories and just look forward to the man that he really is. The man who loves me and never gave up. The man who makes my mornings brighter, the man who looks beyond my persona. The man who inspire me to lose weight and look prettier. My, best friend, my lover, my partner, The man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

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Not that into you….

Well hello my dear followers!!!! I am so sorry for not being able to blog for almost 2 months. The past months was I should say the most crucial time in my career. I had to focus on my job, my health and my finances. Hmmm…. you might be wondering whatever happened to my long distance relationship. I am lost for words to describe what happened to him. He is still in the far away land of Sweden and I truly do not know if he is ever coming home. Sometimes, I just lost all hopes of ever seeing him in person. It’s been 5 months and a lot of my friends have been saying that I should be going out with real people, real men in the flesh. And so I did. I entertained a few men lately, went out on dates. Mostly for coffee, dinner, short talks and until recently I met a guy named Eric. I met him through a dating site and he lives near my place. He is a banker by profession. Initially, there was so much connection. We were of the same age, we share the same music, same sentiments about online dating. We were on the same genre. We chatted a few hours until he decided to call me on my mobile phone. We talked for 3 hours straight. It was like talking to a long-lost friend. I never felt anything romantic, just a connection to someone who listens, laughs and just the comfort of having someone there for me. The following day, we were texting, and him calling me during his breaks. I had a feeling that he might be feeling the same way. We found comfort in each other as friends. We decided to meet for drinks. I was nervous, skeptic. Though I saw his pictures not really bad-looking, not too handsome but fair and presentable. He went to my house with my directions and he even had a peek of my kids and he even said hello to them. He was very nice. A gentleman all the way. We spent the next 3 to 4 hours talking about our respective personal lives. Our past relationships, our music, our likes and dislikes. There was no hint that it was the last time we will ever see, talk or even text each other.

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The night ended him bringing me back home. I vividly remember what I said to him “Thank you, you are very nice, you’re a real gentleman.” And he answered back, Thank you, we’ll do this again. I said, Really? and he said Yes! I’ll text you when I get home and I said be careful and drive carefully. Don’t fall asleep because you’re still driving. He smiled. There was no good night kiss not even a peck on the cheek. He did not even held my hand even while we were still having drinks. He waited until the gate was opened for me. The last thing I heard him say was “Thank You”

I waited until he got home, but I never got a text from him, I fell asleep and in the morning I woke up and checked my mobile. No message from Eric. I texted him because I got worried, maybe something happened. He never replied. I got a message from him through the site and said Sorry, I left my mobile at home because I was in a hurry and the day was so toxic. Although I did texted him and said if he could just tell me what went wrong. Did I say or do something which may have offended him. Was I too ugly for him? Was I too comfortable when I was with him that I would just laugh at anything he would say and would joke around. What?!? What did I do? I just wish he has man enough to say that I can’t see you again because I don’t want to. Instead he left me hanging.

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I am an avid fan of Sex and the City and in one of the episodes wherein the character Miranda dated a guy once but the guy never called her again. She asked for the opinion of Carrie’s boyfriend and said when a man doesn’t call you after a first date “He’s not that into you!” He is not interested at all. I am just a bit disappointed because all along I thought we were friends. There was nothing romantic, we were fooling around, laughing at each other’s antics. We saw each other because we wanted to get to know each other more. I feel hurt, YES, because now I keep asking myself what did I do? and worst, I got rejected by someone I did not have romantic feelings.

It is quite unfair when you feel you’re being judged by someone who is not so perfect. An imperfect person has no right to judge nor find faults on someone who has been so accommodating, friendly, and accepting.
Now I wonder, was it a trophy for him to leave someone hanging? I do admit, I am not the super model type of woman, nor have I hidden the fact that I am a single mother of 3 teenage kids, I don’t know with him what dirty little lies he has kept under his sleeves. Did he ever question himself if I ever liked him at all?

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Well, lesson learned. You can’t please everybody. You try to be nice, you enjoy the moment, you let someone inside your crazy little life and you get nothing but disappointment and rejection.

I am ok…. My friends laugh about it. Maybe he can’t handle the fact that I was too strong-willed, independent and happy as a single mother. Or maybe, just maybe I was too perfect for him and he can’t handle it.

An imperfect world with so many imperfect people around. Who needs them? When you can be perfect in the eyes of people who truly appreciates, love and care for you. My guess is that He is not really into me but who cares? I don’t.