Category Archives: Children

when Patience is being tested

Through the years I have learned to live my life with different trials, hardships, heartaches and miseries. And through the years I have learned to fight, accept, move forward and forgive. They say Patience is a virtue, oh yes indeed!!! One of the virtues I have in my life is having the patience of a saint. I really do my best to keep calm in situations that I could not even comprehend. I have been through a lot in my life and for some this is a true testament of a person being so patient, strong and courageous. Persevering in the face of difficult circumstance. We all go through life in different directions and we handle things in our own ways. Sometimes, there are people you will meet and be part of your life who will surely test your patience and energy and will push you through the brink of insanity. These people are the inconsiderate ones. They have no idea what you go through life, they don’t care how you feel or how you are coping.

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when Patience is being tested, sometimes you think your intelligence is also being put to test. You question yourself, you question your abilities, even your own character. You feel like giving up in certain situations that you feel you’re being pushed away or being put down. Sometimes you feel like it’s being done intentionally to break your spirit.

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Lately, in all aspects of my life my patience is once again being tested. Oh yes, I cried. Bucket of tears, sleepless nights even getting sick just thinking about it. I came to a point in my life that I wanted to just raise my hands up and just move forward. I can’t! I just can’t! I have never been a quitter nor a whiner. I always face my problems head on. I have come so far in life and my children look up to me in terms of being Patient, strong-willed and brave.
Life is an endless battle. I can never ever give up. I owe it to myself and my children. Even if for some I am not deserving of something I have worked so hard for, I can never allow them to let me think that way.

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Test me, test my patience, test others but you can never put me down. I may cry, fall down, fail, but you can never have the life that I have lived. A life that is full of love, trust and care from people who believes in me and who will stand by my side no matter what.

Look at yourself in the mirror and see for yourself, Are you even worth my Time and Patience?

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when time flies so fast….

I could still remember the time I had my first child Camille 19 years ago. It took my family by surprise that I was about to give birth to my lovely daughter. I was not prepared for motherhood at that time. I did not know what to expect. I did not know what mother’s are supposed to do. I was turning 18 then. I missed my debut, I had to stop school for a while but I never treated it as a failure in my life. I was young and I knew back then so many things can still happen. I went back to college went on with my life. It was so normal for me. I started working part-time because I did not want to burden my parents with everything. I would admit I was not able to enjoy being a first time mother. My child called me Achie, it was chinese for Big sister. I did not really mind because we were together most of the time and I love her. She was adorable. Loves to sing even if she can’t carry a tune. She likes putting lotion on my tummy. Loves to read books and magazines which now I know why she wants to be a writer after her degree in Mass-communications. She grew up to be an Achiever. From Pre school to College, Camille never failed to bring home the bacon. Medals, certificates, achievements. She gave it to me and I am a proud Mama.

Camille at 19
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Three years had passed and I had my second child Coleen. I thought all long he was a boy. I did not have an ultrasound because I wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised when I saw her and the doctor said “It’s a girl!” All I could think about was ‘AGAIN!” another girl??? But she was a darling. She was an extrovert. A show off. She would dance for everyone, talk non stop. She grew up a little naughty. Living her life as if there’s no tomorrow. Trying different things, experimenting. I could partially see myself in her. I call her “the REBEL” Although she is not as bad as I was when I was her age but she tends to go beyond. I let her do what she wants but I guide her. She knows that I wouldn’t allow her to do stupid stuff like I used to. I know better now. She’s my musician. She is great with the guitar. Has so much passion with music and Information Technology. She gave me grades of 1.5 for her First year in college. Who wouldn’t be proud of her? I am.

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My one and only living boy is Paul. Pao-pao as we fondly call him. My quiet warrior. He was born a year after his older brother Andre passed away. (You would know the history of this if you have read all my blogs). Pao is my miracle baby. He had a baby brother named Luke who also passed away 5 months after birth. Pao is such a joy to all of us. My daughters never felt jealous about the love he was showered. He is the baby of the family. What I like about Pao is he silently cares for the people around him. He doesn’t talk much but you would feel the love he has for you. Pao is the type of child who takes everything in stride. No pressure! He is a cool dude. Only worries when he has nothing to eat or nothing to do at home. He loves basketball, going to the mall and eating ice cream. I don’t really pressure him to do good in school. I just want him to enjoy himself. He is my teddy bear. I hug him even if he is now a teenager. sometimes he feels awkward most especially when there are people around us.

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I guess my kids gave me everything that I never got as a child, teenager even as an adult. I had so many frustrations in life. I wanted to do so much more which I never did. but my kids are my greatest achievements. They have done so many things I am truly proud of. Whatever they have achieved in life, in my heart I know I was part of that. I am just the happiest Mom and the most fulfilled one because of my children. They inspire me, made me a better person. I am a complete person even without a man. I will forever be thankful to my kids.

Oh how time flies, I could still remember their faces as babies. When all they could say was Mama, help! Mama, ouch! Mama, don’t leave me. Now, they go on with their teenage lives. Started dating, being with friends most of the time. Doing their thing. I am not the conservative type of Mom. I let them be. I allow them to go out in the world and experience life first hand. I still have control but I allow them to be on their own, to make decisions for themselves. I am still here to guide them and give them advice. I want them to grow up strong, mature and disciplined individuals. I grew up with a very strong personality. I want them to have that. I don’t want people stepping on their toes. I want them to stand up for what they believed in. I love my children so much. Sometimes I feel sad that one of these days they will have their own lives, their own families and their own careers. I might end up alone. But I know my kids so well. We just couldn’t live without each other. but whatever paths they choose, whatever lives they want to live, I am just here to support them, nurture them and love them all the way. Mama will always be there for them, no matter what.

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I tell this to all parents to love your children, spend time with them, listen to them, allow them to breathe and spread their wings. Our children are the most precious jewels we will ever have. No husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend can take their place in our lives. Time flies so fast that if you do not cherish moments with them it will just pass by and you will just have regrets that you never had the chance to be with them.

Love them, protect them, nurture them….. Sometimes, they are all you’ve got in this world.

What Motivates Me….

A lot has been said about what motivates a person. Each of us has his/her own motivation in life. Mine is as clear as daylight. What motivates me is my CHILDREN…. always and forever!

For some, Money is a motivator. Family, God, Fame, Promotion, Love, Excellence and so on are big motivators in life. But do we really seek our inner thoughts and inner being? What really motivates us? What drives us to reach something? Why do we need to motivate ourselves?

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Recently, due to the sudden turn of events, It made me think more seriously and deeply. I had to re motivate myself, made a list and asked myself what I should do to inspire the inner me to move forward and reach my goals in life. The first question that popped in my mind is What do I really need to achieve? Followed by, Why do I want to achieve it? How will I achieve it? I want to do good first and foremost with my work and career. In the next seven months, I aim to give an extraordinary performance. How will I achieve this? I have always known myself by working quietly and with no distractions around. I want to focus mainly on my tasks and getting a very positive result. I said to myself the other day that I will never engage in things that will hinder me from doing my best. Meaning, I will avoid people, things and situations that will cause me to lose focus. I have to keep my eye on the Gold. I am doing this not just for myself but for the people I owe so much. I am tired of fighting and saying my piece. I just want to keep quiet, and keep my act together.

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So What do I want to achieve after seven months? Simple, I want to get what I deserve. Eight years of hard work, loyalty and patience is tough. Why do I want to achieve it? I have worked so hard to come this far and it’s fair that I get it. How? By working very hard in the next seven months or so….

I will stay focus, show a different side of me. People may wonder what’s this new side of me and some may get worried but I don’t care as long as I’m doing my job and I’m not doing anything wrong I will be perfectly fine.

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Motivation must come from within. People may influence motivation but I am lucky that I learned it from myself alone. Lessons learned the hard way, but I am glad it did not change the real person in me. I stand up for what I believed in and say the things I strongly disagree with. I know when it’s wrong and I know when it’s right. I am still the same person but with a very different attitude this time.

Nobody will help you, unless you help yourself. Trust only yourself and only yourself and Make things happen!

a Man and his bucket of lies…

I bet one way or another a woman is a victim of lying man out there. I for one was victimized by a vicious man who pretended to be separated from his wife and is always in dire need of money.

Well ladies, if you were once victimized by these suckers, WELCOME! WELCOME! I have never had the chance to write about him for several years now. It was indeed a very sensitive issue back then when I almost quit my job due to sheer embarrassment and self-pity.

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I met this man at the office where I am still working at present. He was not the good-looking man whom you would lay eyes every time he would pass by. I never knew he existed until a common friend introduced us. It was quite simple, he took my number from my friend started sending text messages. I was out of my marriage for about 2 or 3 years and at that time I was beginning to feel lonely and just wanted to be in a relationship. The funny thing was that everybody around us was telling me that his marriage was on the rocks and finally ended. I believed this sincerely but I knew deep inside me that something was off. Our relationship lasted almost a year. I would admit I loved him so much back then. But things started to get really weird when he started to borrow money from me. If you are in a relationship and you think that both of you are in love, you wouldn’t think bad about the person. So it was fine, I had a little extra so it did not bother me at first. Until it became worst, when at one point he would tell me that he was robbed. The robber got all of his salary, that he needs to pay the rent, that he needs to give money to his parents. etc…. At one point he asked me if we could get a loan and he would pay half of the amount. So I did apply for that loan but he never paid me. I applied for a mobile phone service wherein I could get 2 phones with 2 lines, he took the other phone but never really paid a single cent. This continued but I was becoming aware of his bad behavior. I knew this was not fair. And to think he was not even thinking that I have kids to support too. What really pissed me off was when I found out that he asked another woman from our office to go out with him. The good thing is that while I was a Senior in the company, most people have high respect towards me and told me about it. I confronted the girl and she told me that she felt he was trying to victimize her. His story was that he is waiting for a cousin to arrive because the cousin owes him a big amount of money. The girl and my ex had breakfast. When the girl went home she received a text message from the guy saying his cousin was robbed and all of his money was taken. Right there and then the girl knew that he was up to something. This made me realize that everything was all wrong.

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I was really becoming suspicious because during weekends, he would turn off his mobile phone so I can’t text or call him. I got the courage to open his locker and check his messages. Lo and behold when I saw his wife’s text messages. It wasn’t as if they were going through a rough patch. It was like they were like a normal loving couple.

To make this long story shorter, I told his wife. I wanted to come out clean. I wanted her to know what his philandering husband is doing. At first we were fine. The wife was really upset as she said it was the second time he did this to her. But as days gone by, the wife started singing a different tune. She was really upset with me and started to tell fabricated lies about me. This almost ruined my career. A male friend stood behind me and fought for me because they saw how broken, hurt and frustrated I was. This reached to a point wherein we had to settle this in the lower courts because it was really getting ugly and my family never knew about this whole mess. My kids were devastated and angry but God is really good and I have friends who backed me all the way. Friends who knew what really happened and friends who knew me inside and out. There were some who believed him that I was the desperate woman who wanted him so much. That I was out to destroy his marriage. It was once tagged as FATAL ATTRACTION. He never paid me back, he returned a different mobile phone. But I just closed my eyes and ears. I walked with my head held high. I knew and always believed in karma. Some people may think that I was the bitch in all of these. I was broke with a pile of debts because of him. But I knew back then the truth will come out someday. True to form it did.
He had another very similar case at the office. Another woman he victimized, made her fall in love, took money and embarrassed her in front of so many people. The girl approached me because one of our leaders told her of my story. She was very upset and I felt sorry for her because I felt I could have done something to prevent him from doing this again to other women. I know it was bad that it happened to another person but I felt vindicated to some people who once believed I was the bad guy.

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Years have passed and I saw him at a party. My male friend who was very protective of me told me that the guy was looking at me. My friend never left my side because he knew the guy might try something stupid. He did! When I was making my way to the bathroom and my male friend was at the bar, he said Hello!!! that I was a snob. He held my hand for a few seconds. I was stunned, petrified and angry that I want to slap him on the face!!! My girl friends realized this was happening pulled me away from him. I was still speechless and I was mortified. How could he just say hello and act as if nothing happened in the past that he almost destroyed me? Well, there are really people who can forget the wrongs they have done to people. Some of my female friends said that the wife may have known this strategy and may be using her husband to get money from other women. What a wicked and evil thing to do especially that they have children too. For me, this man has mastered the Art of Deceit. I am writing this because I want others to be aware that LOVE can be a disguise to DECEIT. Love is sometimes used by bad people to get what they want. And Love sometimes is used to hurt other innocent people like children and family members.

Some may ask me, Have you forgiven him? I can’t say YES, I can’t say NO. But he lost his job recently and I know God may have taught him a lesson or two and that God may just want me to forgive but not forget. Another lesson learned in Life and in Love.

Men and Spice

My brain was not functioning well for the past few weeks. I was engrossed with work and meeting my stats. I want to focus on my blog as my avid readers and followers are asking me what’s new on my blog. I was inspired to write this afternoon about Men in general. Spices and sparkle. I was chatting with an Ex bf slash childhood friend slash good friend. we were talking about his family life. He would often joke about us going out on a date or checking out other girls and I would tell him it’s not right. I told him you are very much married and a family man. That would simply be unfair to your wife and your kids, I said. I was really surprise with his answer when he said, She is my wife, she is the mother of my children. that won’t ever change. Then why ask for a date with me or with another girl? He simply replied maybe I miss the excitement. The thrill. Aaaahhhh!!! I said. You miss the spice of being in an intimate relationship. The goose bumps, the stomach twisting moments, the crazy I’m in love feeling. The fireworks. The electricity. But whatever happened to the love between spouses? The cuddling, the just you and me alone time. What really happens after the wedding, the honeymoon stage, the pregnancy, the childbirth?

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Most people would say everything stops after the children are born. Couples get preoccupied in taking care of the children. Busy schedules, school meetings, business meetings and so on. We miss the fact that we have our partners to think about. I was once married. And I must say that there was a point in my marriage when all we thought about was the kids, our finances and our jobs. We missed the fact that first and foremost we were a married couple that we were suppose to take care of each other. That we have to make each other feel special. Don’t let the romance leave the relationship or the marriage.

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For most women it is easy to sacrifice everything for the sake of a happy and complete family. But for most men, not all! There is always an urge to seek and find thrill and adventure. Men look at us women differently when we give birth. It’s like we lost the glamour, the sparkle. I would admit I embraced motherhood when I had children. I forgot to love myself, to look good and feel good about myself. I focus more on being the best mother in the world. It’s a good thing I realized my shortcomings early and changed not for my husband but for ME…. Just for me, for my self-worth. It was too late though for my marriage. I couldn’t save it. But I’m ok, I’m in love once agin and I hope I won’t make the same mistake again.

So what’s with men and spice??? Men would always look for something new and exciting. Something new to their taste and preference. the important thing with us women is that we have to do our best to keep the fire burning. Bring lots of spice in the marriage and relationship. Be a little more adventurous, try something different. Something kinky. Red lingerie, hand cuffs, whipped cream, candles, a pole, role playing, whatever it takes to make it really special and enticing. Men are visual in general. When they like what they see and they want it bad and they try to get it. It stimulates their brain and senses and most especially their ****.

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So why not add a little spice, it won’t hurt.
What’s a little spice in our relationship, when it could keep your man hooked.

….battered women

People may start wondering why I am blogging about this very sensitive issue, Is she a battered woman? In some ways, YES! Emotionally battered if I may say. But my topic for today’s blog is more on violence against women which is becoming very rampant nowadays. I am deeply saddened and full of rage every time I hear stories about women being abused. There are so many different ways a woman is being abused. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and so on.

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I am sitting here on my laptop thinking of the lady friends I know who suffered so much in the hands of ruthless, mean and no good for nothing men in their lives. One of my best friends endured the physical, verbal and emotional torment in the hands of her then boyfriend and now ex husband. I vividly remember the time when she would report for work with dark bruises on her arms and body. She would confide in me how she was punched, pushed and slapped on the face. I could not believe nor comprehend the experience my friend endured. I could not do anything, I was just there angry, sad and devastated. All I could is listen, comfort her, support her, give her words of wisdom and understanding. My other friend who has a live in partner that has a drug addiction problem who physically and sexually abuses her. At one point when she just gave birth to their second child, the crazy partner opened the gas tank and attempted to open his lighter. While holding onto her month old baby, fighting her partner, and trying to get the lighter from him. Just imagine if she wasn’t able to stop him. The whole house could have exploded and they all died with their baby. Sometimes she would be tied to the bed whenever they have sex. Sick guy! Another friend who is also close to my heart, refuses to leave her dear husband for his unending womanizing ways. Emotionally, my friend is battered. You can see in her eyes the sadness, the hurt and the frustration every time her husband fools around with other women. It affects her work and her overall personality

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Battered Women, who experience domestic violence suffers emotional abuse. The effects are not physical alone. It puts a mark on the inner being of a woman. My observation on my friends is that they share the same thinking. He will change, he was just angry, I love him, I want to save the marriage, I don’t want my kids to grow up without a father, I want my family to be intact. I have heard these lines too many times every time I try to talk to them and tell them to just leave or report it to the authorities. They will just cry and take it all in. So what now? These women will do anything, accept anything, for the sake of a complete family. They will suffer the bruises, the harsh words, the kicks, punches and embarrassment.
Battered women becomes numb to the things they endure day in and day out. It’s like they get used to it that they allow this type of abuse to go on and on. In the long run a battered woman suffers low self-esteem, post traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, fear and they have a hard time trusting men again once they become separated from their abusive partners.

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I have been abused emotionally. I took it all in for about four years and I just felt I owe it to myself to let him go while I still have respect for myself and my self-esteem is hanging by a thread. But never will I allow a man to hurt me physically. Not a chance. not even a push. Nobody is allowed to hurt or maligned anyone. It’s our body and we have to protect it from anyone who will attempt to hurt us may it be physical or emotional. I once said to my mother if a man tries to hurt me or succeeded to punch me I will fight back like there is no tomorrow. I will never ever allow myself to be a battered woman. I love myself too much and I want my children to respect me and look up to me. I want my children to grow up strong, and not living a life in fear.

Men who hurt women physically are total cowards. This is so true! I know this for a fact. They can only hurt women but they are so afraid whenever they are confronted by authorities or family members. These are men who doesn’t have balls, who can only hurt women and not their own kind. Total idiots. They think it’s so macho to womanize. Well, it’s not! It’s stupid to flirt around and sleep around most especially if you have a beautiful, successful wife waiting for you at home. Why marry a woman and get stuck with her for the rest of your life, when all you want to do is put your freaking D*** inside every woman you meet??? A man thinks he is tough whenever he could punch a woman on the face. Why not try someone your own size and gender? Or better try entering UFC or the WWE? Then you can beat up all the men you want.

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Women should never allow this to happen to them whatever the circumstances they are in. NEVER!!!! In the first instance this happens, I tell you LEAVE, FLEE! If you are not doing anything wrong then you must not suffer. We were not born to suffer at the hands of an abusive partner. Love yourself more, there are people who loves you and cares for you so much. Think about your children, your parents, your siblings. A man is just a man. If he is abusive then he doesn’t deserve YOU at all. There are far better things in life that you can have that you can enjoy. There are people who appreciates your talents, your skills and you’re being you.

Life should be enjoyed! There may be problems along the way. Trials come and go but to be miserable because you allow a man to hurt you over and over is just a plain No, NO. Free yourself from the stress, the sadness and the violence in your life. You can breathe easier and live a life without fear and danger. Life is already complicated don’t complicate it more.

I LOVE YOU BUT I LOVE MYSELF MORE!!!!! right???

Do we need a Knight in Shining Armour?

I have been a single mom for almost 10 years now. Many would ask how I cope, how I have survived the many challenges of single parenting. Some would say it would be easier if I find a partner who would help me go through life. Someone I can be with when the children are all grown up. Someone, I can depend on when times get difficult, Someone, who would help me financially, someone who would help me raise my kids. I have always given thought about these things however, when I really give a deep though about it, It’s like I need rescue from a Man, I need a Knight in Shining Armour. I said to myself, yeah! times are tough when you are alone but if you have this kind of thinking of wanting to have someone to help you out with all the dramas in life. It’s kinda wrong to want someone in your life to be just a life saver. Do I need rescue? Do I need help? Do I need a man who would pull me out of my misery? Am I a Damsel in distress? Maybe, maybe not.

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You go into a relationship to be happy. To stay in love. To have someone to share a future. To share your thoughts, your dreams and your passion in life. Having a partner not necessarily mean that he/she will shoulder your burdens, Of course, once you become a couple, it’s automatic that you help out each other in everything. My point is we don’t look for a Man or a Knight or even a prince to save us from the maddening world of life. Women don’t need saving. We can definitely help ourselves. We have ways and means to solve our own problems. Men and relationships is a bonus in life specifically for Women like me who is a single parent.

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To be gifted by a loving and generous man is really a blessing. If he comes, then great! If he doesn’t, then it’s perfectly fine. Sometimes, I think about fairy tale princesses like Sleeping Beauty, what if her Prince Charming did not come and kiss her? What if Cinderella’s Prince did not find her and the shoe fit someone else? What if Snow White’s Prince never found her? I guess things would have been different. It would not have been a fairy tale after all. But do Women really need rescuing? What if we can be our own Knight in Shining Armour? I have been blessed with patience, a strong personality and a courage of a warrior. I believe I am in my own right a Knight in Shining Armour. I am my kid’s hero. I am their inspiration, I am their strength. So I am a Knight in Shining Armour, in the eyes of my kids I am and will always be their Knight.

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I am not saying we don’t need Men. Relationships makes our lives happier. It inspires us to be more beautiful inside and out. It spices up our lives and adds a smile in us. As I’ve said, finding a really nice man would be a bonus. Not finding him is not a loss.

So do we really need a Knight in Shining Armour? Nah! Just a simple guy who will give us all the love and understanding and a little extra from his savings. Ha ha ha! Just kidding….