Category Archives: Family

Self worth, Self Love, Self Respect

It’s been a long time since I published my last Blog. So many things that kept me preoccupied. Family, work, business and relationships. It’s true that when you are so busy attending to so many things all at the same time, you forget to take care of yourself, do the things you always wanted to do or even the things that you are so passionate about. Blogging is my outlet for my stress, my piled up emotions and my way of connecting to people with the same sentiments that I have.

Well, here goes….

For 3 years and a half my life revolved with a man I thought I would end up growing old with. I focused on our long distance relationship, our small business, our children and each other. My world revolved around that small circle I created for us. I forgot about the things that I used to do, like blogging, going to the expensive nail salon, having massages, baking and hosting events. My life was for skyping, fb messengers, long distance calls, satellite calls, etc… When he is home we would be together for a maximum of 3 months. Then he goes back to the sea for work. I was able to adjust to that kind of life, I embraced it. I got used to it. It was not a relationship straight out of a Fairy tale book but I was happy and content. My mistake was I trusted too much and I was too complacent. Until the day, we parted ways. The relationship ended without a goodbye. Just like that for 3 years a half, it was all over. No explanations, no goodbyes, no nothing…
I was left devastated, lost and alone. I cried myself every single day not knowing what I should do or where I should start picking up the pieces. I was a broken person. I lost myself.

I knew deep down inside nobody in the universe can help me, but myself. I started reading quotes, books, talking to friends, relatives and even strangers to cope up with the pain and just to get it out of my system. I was my own therapist. It’s funny how we can get lost in the moment. We forget who we were before a relationship started. We give in too much of us to that person that we tend to forget our very own being.

Self worth, is giving importance to oneself before the other. I matter to ME… Not only to people who genuinely cares for me but to ME, primarily. I am important! I value myself.

Self Love, Learning to love myself more than any other person. I learned this the hard way. For me to be able to love others, I have to learn to love myself and to learn I am worthy of Love, undying, romantic kind of love. I don’t deserve less because I know my worth.

Self Respect, they say respect begets respect. I lost all respect for myself when I accepted all the lies and betrayal in my relationship. I forgave so many times, I have given so many chances. I forgot I don’t deserve all that crap. For me to accept those things is for me giving this person a chance to disrespect me. How can I gain and give respect if i don’t even respect myself.

I started rebuilding my life. I got sick and realized so many things. Because I was hungry for love and attention I gave away too much of myself. I trusted, I cared and I loved. In the process of trying to fixed what’s broken it shattered me completely. And I have to re learn everything.

Too much, too soon… But hey, Life goes on. I have to take better care of myself from now on. If not, who else will do this for me but myself. Love thyself more, Know your true value and worth, Respect thyself. These are the lessons I also want to impart to my kids and other people trying to cope with loss and pain.

It’s never too late to start all over again…

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when Patience is being tested

Through the years I have learned to live my life with different trials, hardships, heartaches and miseries. And through the years I have learned to fight, accept, move forward and forgive. They say Patience is a virtue, oh yes indeed!!! One of the virtues I have in my life is having the patience of a saint. I really do my best to keep calm in situations that I could not even comprehend. I have been through a lot in my life and for some this is a true testament of a person being so patient, strong and courageous. Persevering in the face of difficult circumstance. We all go through life in different directions and we handle things in our own ways. Sometimes, there are people you will meet and be part of your life who will surely test your patience and energy and will push you through the brink of insanity. These people are the inconsiderate ones. They have no idea what you go through life, they don’t care how you feel or how you are coping.

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when Patience is being tested, sometimes you think your intelligence is also being put to test. You question yourself, you question your abilities, even your own character. You feel like giving up in certain situations that you feel you’re being pushed away or being put down. Sometimes you feel like it’s being done intentionally to break your spirit.

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Lately, in all aspects of my life my patience is once again being tested. Oh yes, I cried. Bucket of tears, sleepless nights even getting sick just thinking about it. I came to a point in my life that I wanted to just raise my hands up and just move forward. I can’t! I just can’t! I have never been a quitter nor a whiner. I always face my problems head on. I have come so far in life and my children look up to me in terms of being Patient, strong-willed and brave.
Life is an endless battle. I can never ever give up. I owe it to myself and my children. Even if for some I am not deserving of something I have worked so hard for, I can never allow them to let me think that way.

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Test me, test my patience, test others but you can never put me down. I may cry, fall down, fail, but you can never have the life that I have lived. A life that is full of love, trust and care from people who believes in me and who will stand by my side no matter what.

Look at yourself in the mirror and see for yourself, Are you even worth my Time and Patience?

of loving and believing….

My long distance relationship turns out to be full of unwanted surprises. At first it felt like it was full of deceit and lies but when I really tried to look beyond the reasons why He tried to hide some stuff from me it makes a whole lot of sense. It’s been almost 6 to 7 months of non stop communication. What’s hard is that you really wouldn’t know the real person unless you meet them personally and live with them.

I am still struggling to put my complete trust and confidence in him but I know that if it’s really God’s will for us to be together, God will find a way and He will make things right.

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I have fallen in love for so many times and I have been hurt in the process but the hopeless romantic in me never stopped me from believing that there could always be a happy ending. Life would be a boring process without love. Love for your family, children, friends and most especially Love for a special someone. I have always wanted to be with someone who will love me, accept me, respect me and my children and whom I could grow old with. I never wanted to find a rich partner, nor a handsome young man. Just someone I could share my hopes, my dreams, my failures and my happiness.

I found something in this man I am in a relationship right now. He may be a thousand miles away from me but the security, the feeling of peace and love whenever I chat with him is just so relaxing and serene. So many challenges has rocked the relationship that at one point I almost gave up and never wanted to see him in the flesh. I prayed so hard that I will be guided with my decisions and I will be enlightened. Every time our relationship is put to the test, He would always be there and fight for us. He never gave up even if I was the one who would always raise my hands and surrender. He never turned his back on me even if I had the shortcomings of a little girl. At the end of the day I came back to him. I was tested twice of his true intentions, of his true feelings for me. I never wanted to see him nor speak with him, I tried blocking all communications but still the emotions are far too strong to disregard. I gave him one last chance. One last…

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My fault is that I have never been too trusting, always in doubt, always in question. My guard is always up. The fact that I don’t want to get hurt sometimes hurt me all the more. Of loving and believing the one that you really love, of letting go of all the negativity and doubts and just Loving, believing and trusting your Beloved. Love is a risk. I always said I don’t want to take anymore risks but right now I want to be happy and stay happy. I want to fall in love freely. I want to set my heart free and just be emotionally content. I want to trust more and love more.

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So I am letting go of all the emotional burdens, heartaches and sad memories and just look forward to the man that he really is. The man who loves me and never gave up. The man who makes my mornings brighter, the man who looks beyond my persona. The man who inspire me to lose weight and look prettier. My, best friend, my lover, my partner, The man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

when time flies so fast….

I could still remember the time I had my first child Camille 19 years ago. It took my family by surprise that I was about to give birth to my lovely daughter. I was not prepared for motherhood at that time. I did not know what to expect. I did not know what mother’s are supposed to do. I was turning 18 then. I missed my debut, I had to stop school for a while but I never treated it as a failure in my life. I was young and I knew back then so many things can still happen. I went back to college went on with my life. It was so normal for me. I started working part-time because I did not want to burden my parents with everything. I would admit I was not able to enjoy being a first time mother. My child called me Achie, it was chinese for Big sister. I did not really mind because we were together most of the time and I love her. She was adorable. Loves to sing even if she can’t carry a tune. She likes putting lotion on my tummy. Loves to read books and magazines which now I know why she wants to be a writer after her degree in Mass-communications. She grew up to be an Achiever. From Pre school to College, Camille never failed to bring home the bacon. Medals, certificates, achievements. She gave it to me and I am a proud Mama.

Camille at 19
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Three years had passed and I had my second child Coleen. I thought all long he was a boy. I did not have an ultrasound because I wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised when I saw her and the doctor said “It’s a girl!” All I could think about was ‘AGAIN!” another girl??? But she was a darling. She was an extrovert. A show off. She would dance for everyone, talk non stop. She grew up a little naughty. Living her life as if there’s no tomorrow. Trying different things, experimenting. I could partially see myself in her. I call her “the REBEL” Although she is not as bad as I was when I was her age but she tends to go beyond. I let her do what she wants but I guide her. She knows that I wouldn’t allow her to do stupid stuff like I used to. I know better now. She’s my musician. She is great with the guitar. Has so much passion with music and Information Technology. She gave me grades of 1.5 for her First year in college. Who wouldn’t be proud of her? I am.

Coleen at 15
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My one and only living boy is Paul. Pao-pao as we fondly call him. My quiet warrior. He was born a year after his older brother Andre passed away. (You would know the history of this if you have read all my blogs). Pao is my miracle baby. He had a baby brother named Luke who also passed away 5 months after birth. Pao is such a joy to all of us. My daughters never felt jealous about the love he was showered. He is the baby of the family. What I like about Pao is he silently cares for the people around him. He doesn’t talk much but you would feel the love he has for you. Pao is the type of child who takes everything in stride. No pressure! He is a cool dude. Only worries when he has nothing to eat or nothing to do at home. He loves basketball, going to the mall and eating ice cream. I don’t really pressure him to do good in school. I just want him to enjoy himself. He is my teddy bear. I hug him even if he is now a teenager. sometimes he feels awkward most especially when there are people around us.

Paul at 13
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I guess my kids gave me everything that I never got as a child, teenager even as an adult. I had so many frustrations in life. I wanted to do so much more which I never did. but my kids are my greatest achievements. They have done so many things I am truly proud of. Whatever they have achieved in life, in my heart I know I was part of that. I am just the happiest Mom and the most fulfilled one because of my children. They inspire me, made me a better person. I am a complete person even without a man. I will forever be thankful to my kids.

Oh how time flies, I could still remember their faces as babies. When all they could say was Mama, help! Mama, ouch! Mama, don’t leave me. Now, they go on with their teenage lives. Started dating, being with friends most of the time. Doing their thing. I am not the conservative type of Mom. I let them be. I allow them to go out in the world and experience life first hand. I still have control but I allow them to be on their own, to make decisions for themselves. I am still here to guide them and give them advice. I want them to grow up strong, mature and disciplined individuals. I grew up with a very strong personality. I want them to have that. I don’t want people stepping on their toes. I want them to stand up for what they believed in. I love my children so much. Sometimes I feel sad that one of these days they will have their own lives, their own families and their own careers. I might end up alone. But I know my kids so well. We just couldn’t live without each other. but whatever paths they choose, whatever lives they want to live, I am just here to support them, nurture them and love them all the way. Mama will always be there for them, no matter what.

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I tell this to all parents to love your children, spend time with them, listen to them, allow them to breathe and spread their wings. Our children are the most precious jewels we will ever have. No husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend can take their place in our lives. Time flies so fast that if you do not cherish moments with them it will just pass by and you will just have regrets that you never had the chance to be with them.

Love them, protect them, nurture them….. Sometimes, they are all you’ve got in this world.

my FIRST LOVE!!!

Have you ever fallen in love so deeply and passionately? Well, I did! Yeah, the moment I learned Home Economics at school I knew I was madly in love with COOKING!!!!!

This is an actual picture of my Pancit Canton and Carbonara
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It was not a boy that I first fell in love with but with Cooking. Well, at first I had a fling with Baking. I first tried my hand in Baking Cakes and Cookies. I was so hooked with my Mother’s oven at the age of 12. Whatever I learn from school I would try it at home. From Chiffon cake, Chocolate cake, Banana Nut Cake, Banana Carrot cake, Crema de Fruta, Pineapple upside down cake, Butter Cookies, Oatmeal Cookies and so on. My official tasters was my brother and my Dad. So hooked that my Dad would buy me ingredients on a weekly basis. I would spend so much time during weekends at my Mom’s kitchen. Mom saw the potential that she was planning to open up a small bakery for me. But as I’ve said, it was just a fling. I then moved on to the real deal. Cooking delectable dishes. My Dad was a natural cook. He is Chinese, so most of the dishes that he has passed on to me was Asian cuisine. I loved it! He taught me well and he passed down all the dishes he knew to me. Dad taught me Chinese Adobo which has a darker and richer sauce. My first lessons in the kitchen started with my nanny Edith. she was really a good cook that I couldn’t forget her Chicken Adobo (chicken with lots of garlic, pepper, soy sauce, laurel leaf, vinegar, sugar, salt and pepper). Her rice cakes and cassava cake. Edith taught me the basics of cooking. I am thankful for her.

Mom said I have a talent for copying the same exact dish even without a book or list of ingredients just by tasting it, I would know. Which was true. I love to experiment with flavors. I watch cooking shows to give me ideas on better mixing of spices and herbs. But all in all, my recipes are basically unique. It’s simply a trademark I have earned through the years of cooking for friends and family.

My Lumpia Shanghai, Tacos, Fried Chicken and Pasta
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Cooking for me is one of my greatest passions in life. Apart from Hosting events and Blogging. Cooking gives me the rush I need whenever I am feeling all the pains and problems of life. For me, it is not true that you must not cook whenever you feel pain or troubled because it would show on the taste and presentation of your food. For me, whenever I cook, I give my best. My very best. I think of the people who will partake of the dish. I want them to feel special, loved and satisfied. When I am in the kitchen, I feel like an artist. Creating art and flavor. I don’t feel tired even if I was cooking for 400 to 500 people, which I did when I tried the catering business. It was financially fulfilling and at the same time I was able to execute my passion.

Grilled Pork, Macaroni Salad, Nachos and Bicol Express
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I wish I could put up a restaurant business someday. I want to be able to showcase my creativity and talent. I have received numerous comments about my dishes. For me it is personal. I take it seriously whenever I cook it has to be perfection or at least put a smile on the face of my crowd. My greatest fan was my Dad. Whenever I learn something new or would want to try out a new recipe he would officially be the judge. He was my critic but it was all praises from him. Not because he was my dad but because he knew I got it from him. Dad knew I put my heart and soul in every dish I make. The enthusiasm of holding a Wok, slicing vegetables, sauteing garlic and onions. The adrenalin rush of meeting a delivery deadline. I would feel so tired but there’s no stopping. The kitchen is my kingdom. I am the queen there. It is so overwhelming most especially if the dish I am preparing is the most awaited meal by my family.

Cooking is such a pleasure for me. It releases my stress, allows me to forget my problems and sometimes it helps to score with men. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I get Wows! from the men I date whenever they find out I am a good cook. It helps though because they know that you know your way around the kitchen. they won’t get hungry or rely on Delivery take out services. I haven’t really cooked for my new partner yet. I am thrilled to be cooking for him for the first time when he arrives from Sweden this May. Well, I am confident that he would love my cooking and my dishes. Ha Ha Ha!

Chicken Curry, Pork Stew, Fried Chicken and Lumpiang Hubad
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My first true love is Cooking! I got hurt from all the frying, I cried from slicing onions, made me happy whenever I get good reviews. Satisfied me whenever I earn money from my catering jobs. At the end of the day, I am a fulfilled cook. I want to learn more, get as much experience as I can and hone my cooking skills further. Ah, The joys of Cooking. I will never get bored of this.

A Mother’s heart never heals when a child dies…

It was exactly seven years ago, a normal day at the hospital. I just finished feeding Luke through the tube on his nose. My 5 month old baby with a rare genetic disorder called Methylmalonic Acidemia.
We both dozed off while I was caressing his tiny little head. I was dreaming we were home. The nanny woke me up and said Luke may have stopped breathing. I looked and I thought it was just another seizure attack. The nurses were called as well as the doctors. They said my little boy stopped breathing. They revived Luke, deep down inside I hoped that it was just one of his usual attacks. After 2 months in the hospital I was getting used to the fact that he will have these seizure attacks after the diagnosis.

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Methylmalonic acidemia is a disorder, passed down through families, in which the body cannot break down certain proteins and fats. The result is a build up of a substance called methylmalonic acid in the blood. The disease is usually diagnosed in the first year of life. It is an autosomal recessive disorder, which means the defective gene must be passed onto the child from both parents. The disease can cause seizures and stroke. Babies may appear normal at birth, but develop symptoms once they start eating more protein, which can cause the condition to get worse.

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I was in denial. After the death of my third child Andre who died of the same disease I was very hopeful that my youngest will survive this. The clock was ticking, and the ICU nurses were called to our room. It was a code Blue for the hospital. The metabolic doctor arrived and helped with reviving of my son. I was calling random people on my mobile phone, asking for prayers and support. My heart was pounding and I was in tears. I hoped and prayed. Please God, not again. Forty five minutes and they stopped. Our doctor looked at me and said “Maybe Luke is tired already, maybe he wants to rest.” She ordered the tubes to be removed from Luke and he carried him and gave him to me. She asked me, “You want to hold your baby? Luke is still your baby.” I took his lifeless body away from the doctor and started crying. I couldn’t remember that I was hugging him so close to my chest that maybe I was about to crush him with my pain and agony. I can’t explain the pain of losing another child. My then husband tried to take him away from me because I was now crying profusely. When Luke was laid on top of the bed. I cleaned his fragile body, put powder on his body and face, changed his clothes even his diaper. Place a blanket on his body while the tears ran down my face. I looked at his angelic face and I knew he was peaceful. After his long battle, rest came to him and somehow there was a tinge of peace inside my heart. I just couldn’t believe it that I lost another beloved child.

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But still, I keep questioning myself and God, Why???? Why take my baby away from me? Could I have done more to make him well? What did I do wrong to deserve this? The pain was unbearable especially that it was the second time that I lost a child from the same genetic disorder. My marriage was falling apart then and my children were the source of strength and joy but with the passing of my youngest son I was lost. I was hurt and I was broken. I did not know what to do nor feel. I was becoming numb because of the pain. I find comfort in memories of days I spent with Luke. Days that I saw a smile on his face. Days that we had in the park, Days we spent at home listening to music. Those days I will forever cherish in my heart. I kept their things in a box. Clothes I do not wish to give nor share with others. For me their stuff was sacred. Some people said I have not moved on nor healed. I can say, YES! I have moved on. Life goes on even without the special people around you. But the heart of a Mother never heals when a dear child dies. It will forever be broken. I have learned to deal with the pain through the years. I talked about them as much as I can. I still shed tears whenever I have my quiet moments alone. The pain never goes away, it’s just there. It never passes. You just learn to cope day by day. Many worried for me because they say it’s just too much to bear to have lost 2 children. I have a strong personality and I still have 3 living children that need me most especially with the difficult situation of my marriage breaking down. I knew I needed to be strong for them too. My children Andre and Luke would not want me to be unhappy with their passing. I am very sure that they wanted me to move on and be happy. I am fine now but I must admit that there are days that I just want to break down and die. But I just can’t give up just like that. I know they wouldn’t want their mother to quit easily. Life is precious. There are people who needs me, a mission I still need to fulfill.

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Everything happens for a reason. And I have leaned to be a better person and be the best mom to my children. Lessons I have learned which I want to share with others. A story of courage, love, hope and faith.

Today, I remember my beloved Luke or Porkee as we fondly call him. I remember his very short life that brought so much love and happiness. I know that where he is right now is a much better place with no more pain, hunger, fear, sickness and hate. He was given to me to be a part of my life and my heart. For me to become whole.

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I love you Luke! you will never be forgotten and you will forever be loved. Rest my sweet angel.

a Man and his bucket of lies…

I bet one way or another a woman is a victim of lying man out there. I for one was victimized by a vicious man who pretended to be separated from his wife and is always in dire need of money.

Well ladies, if you were once victimized by these suckers, WELCOME! WELCOME! I have never had the chance to write about him for several years now. It was indeed a very sensitive issue back then when I almost quit my job due to sheer embarrassment and self-pity.

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I met this man at the office where I am still working at present. He was not the good-looking man whom you would lay eyes every time he would pass by. I never knew he existed until a common friend introduced us. It was quite simple, he took my number from my friend started sending text messages. I was out of my marriage for about 2 or 3 years and at that time I was beginning to feel lonely and just wanted to be in a relationship. The funny thing was that everybody around us was telling me that his marriage was on the rocks and finally ended. I believed this sincerely but I knew deep inside me that something was off. Our relationship lasted almost a year. I would admit I loved him so much back then. But things started to get really weird when he started to borrow money from me. If you are in a relationship and you think that both of you are in love, you wouldn’t think bad about the person. So it was fine, I had a little extra so it did not bother me at first. Until it became worst, when at one point he would tell me that he was robbed. The robber got all of his salary, that he needs to pay the rent, that he needs to give money to his parents. etc…. At one point he asked me if we could get a loan and he would pay half of the amount. So I did apply for that loan but he never paid me. I applied for a mobile phone service wherein I could get 2 phones with 2 lines, he took the other phone but never really paid a single cent. This continued but I was becoming aware of his bad behavior. I knew this was not fair. And to think he was not even thinking that I have kids to support too. What really pissed me off was when I found out that he asked another woman from our office to go out with him. The good thing is that while I was a Senior in the company, most people have high respect towards me and told me about it. I confronted the girl and she told me that she felt he was trying to victimize her. His story was that he is waiting for a cousin to arrive because the cousin owes him a big amount of money. The girl and my ex had breakfast. When the girl went home she received a text message from the guy saying his cousin was robbed and all of his money was taken. Right there and then the girl knew that he was up to something. This made me realize that everything was all wrong.

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I was really becoming suspicious because during weekends, he would turn off his mobile phone so I can’t text or call him. I got the courage to open his locker and check his messages. Lo and behold when I saw his wife’s text messages. It wasn’t as if they were going through a rough patch. It was like they were like a normal loving couple.

To make this long story shorter, I told his wife. I wanted to come out clean. I wanted her to know what his philandering husband is doing. At first we were fine. The wife was really upset as she said it was the second time he did this to her. But as days gone by, the wife started singing a different tune. She was really upset with me and started to tell fabricated lies about me. This almost ruined my career. A male friend stood behind me and fought for me because they saw how broken, hurt and frustrated I was. This reached to a point wherein we had to settle this in the lower courts because it was really getting ugly and my family never knew about this whole mess. My kids were devastated and angry but God is really good and I have friends who backed me all the way. Friends who knew what really happened and friends who knew me inside and out. There were some who believed him that I was the desperate woman who wanted him so much. That I was out to destroy his marriage. It was once tagged as FATAL ATTRACTION. He never paid me back, he returned a different mobile phone. But I just closed my eyes and ears. I walked with my head held high. I knew and always believed in karma. Some people may think that I was the bitch in all of these. I was broke with a pile of debts because of him. But I knew back then the truth will come out someday. True to form it did.
He had another very similar case at the office. Another woman he victimized, made her fall in love, took money and embarrassed her in front of so many people. The girl approached me because one of our leaders told her of my story. She was very upset and I felt sorry for her because I felt I could have done something to prevent him from doing this again to other women. I know it was bad that it happened to another person but I felt vindicated to some people who once believed I was the bad guy.

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Years have passed and I saw him at a party. My male friend who was very protective of me told me that the guy was looking at me. My friend never left my side because he knew the guy might try something stupid. He did! When I was making my way to the bathroom and my male friend was at the bar, he said Hello!!! that I was a snob. He held my hand for a few seconds. I was stunned, petrified and angry that I want to slap him on the face!!! My girl friends realized this was happening pulled me away from him. I was still speechless and I was mortified. How could he just say hello and act as if nothing happened in the past that he almost destroyed me? Well, there are really people who can forget the wrongs they have done to people. Some of my female friends said that the wife may have known this strategy and may be using her husband to get money from other women. What a wicked and evil thing to do especially that they have children too. For me, this man has mastered the Art of Deceit. I am writing this because I want others to be aware that LOVE can be a disguise to DECEIT. Love is sometimes used by bad people to get what they want. And Love sometimes is used to hurt other innocent people like children and family members.

Some may ask me, Have you forgiven him? I can’t say YES, I can’t say NO. But he lost his job recently and I know God may have taught him a lesson or two and that God may just want me to forgive but not forget. Another lesson learned in Life and in Love.