Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings

A Mother’s Pain

It’s been quite a while since I last posted a Blog. Well, I have been really busy doing a lot of things left and right. Being a full-time mother to my grown-up children, a daughter to an 81-year-old mother who has an onset of dementia, grandmother to a year and a half old grandson, sister, friend, counselor, cook, baker, virtual worker, name it I’m doing it. A very personal and emotional thing happened to me just a few days ago Let me tell you a story of a Mother’s pain.

What is a Mother??? What is her role? Until when does a mother serve and give herself to the service of her family and kids? What are her boundaries? Is a mother’s love eternal and unconditional? I started young, I had my first child when I was 18 years old. Back then I really had no idea what motherhood was. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs since my first child. I was not a Mother Theresa, I was not a perfect mother but I know I as time passes by, I learned from all the experiences that I have encountered in the course of my being a Mom. Life was not easy. Sometimes I want to give up and sometimes I just wanted everybody to just leave me alone. But looking back I am grateful for having so many special people helping me along the way, teaching me, correcting me. I couldn’t have done all of those responsibilities and trials if not for people who cared and mattered to me the most.

Motherhood is not being able to prove to anyone that you can do it all alone, it’s not showing off to people that you are a hands-on Mom or a Super Mom. It is acknowledging the fact that yes, you need people around you, who will teach you, make you a better person, mold you to become a good Mom. I am a work in progress. I never said I was perfect. The world doesn’t revolve in me alone. I am still learning to be a good Mom. I still want to love and take care of people not only my children and grandson. I want to be better because I know there is still so much to learn with so little time.

A mother’s love is unconditional and eternal. You can have different husbands, wives and even change your sexual preferences but a Mother is eternal and constant. Forgiving and forever loving a child that will test her patience and boundaries.

I am in so much pain as I am writing this Blog. When a child looks at you and has not looked back at all the things that you have sacrificed and done for that child to be happy and successful. When a child looks at you and tells you were just there because you wanted money. Not ever thinking of the everyday sacrifice that you have to go through from day one, the countless battles of sleepiness and tiredness, the bills that need to be paid, work that needs to be done and have fought tooth and nail for all the bad things thrown to a child’s face. To always believe what a child says even though sometimes a mother doubts the innocence. But yes! till the very end, the mother will protect and standby her child.

Respect, acknowledgment and a small amount of love and appreciation. Your pride will not get you anywhere. It did not even settle with your friends. How much more with your family? Have you ever asked yourself why people leave, why they don’t talk to you anymore?

One day you will realize this when your child is all grown up and you’re getting older. I’ve done my part, I’ve said everything that I can say. The hurt will always remain in my heart but who am I not to forgive a child who will only acknowledge her faults and throw away that pride and broken ego. It’s not about me, it’s not a pity party. Someday when I am no longer around and you will read this and realize what my heart is telling you. We may never go back to the way were in the past but moving on, You are a mother too, listen to your own heart, Open your mind, it’s not going to break you as a person nor make you less of a person but instead it will make you a compassionate and dedicated person.

A mother’s heart can endure a thousand more pain, but the soul sometimes gets too weary and tired.

We may never find each other nor speak heart to heart but forever you will be in my heart but for now, I’ll let you be as I start a new journey in rehabilitating my broken heart and soul. I am tired, really tired I think it’s time for me to take care of ME.






Posted in Behaviour, Family, Friendship, Relationships


How can someone judge you when they don’t even know you personally? A person that you’ve just met can assume so many things about you.

I had this really awful experience of a man I’ve known through a friend. Though we were introduced briefly and chatted a few times, I am not certain how he can be the perfect judge of character. I was just so pissed off to read some of his commentaries about me. I never ever criticize nor question his actions when he initiated a chat with me a few months ago. Knowing that his girlfriend is a very close friend of mine. It’s funny how¬† some men will try to impress their girlfriends by attacking another woman whom they think is an enemy of their partner. I remained calm because I know for a fact I have not done anything to piss him off. I mean I really don’t care.

We are simply human. Nobody’s perfect in this world. Yes, we criticize people we have opinions about others but to judge a person according to some hearsay or you just felt to say something nasty about the person. Well, it shows the type of upbringing you had in your younger years. Here is what I can say, I don’t give a damn about your views and opinions. Fix yourself first, Love your girlfriend, Be sincere and I mean be sincerely sincere.

Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Family, Relationships

Self worth, Self Love, Self Respect

It’s been a long time since I published my last Blog. So many things that kept me preoccupied. Family, work, business and relationships. It’s true that when you are so busy attending to so many things all at the same time, you forget to take care of yourself, do the things you always wanted to do or even the things that you are so passionate about. Blogging is my outlet for my stress, my piled up emotions and my way of connecting to people with the same sentiments that I have.

Well, here goes….

For 3 years and a half my life revolved with a man I thought I would end up growing old with. I focused on our long distance relationship, our small business, our children and each other. My world revolved around that small circle I created for us. I forgot about the things that I used to do, like blogging, going to the expensive nail salon, having massages, baking and hosting events. My life was for skyping, fb messengers, long distance calls, satellite calls, etc… When he is home we would be together for a maximum of 3 months. Then he goes back to the sea for work. I was able to adjust to that kind of life, I embraced it. I got used to it. It was not a relationship straight out of a Fairy tale book but I was happy and content. My mistake was I trusted too much and I was too complacent. Until the day, we parted ways. The relationship ended without a goodbye. Just like that for 3 years a half, it was all over. No explanations, no goodbyes, no nothing…
I was left devastated, lost and alone. I cried myself every single day not knowing what I should do or where I should start picking up the pieces. I was a broken person. I lost myself.

I knew deep down inside nobody in the universe can help me, but myself. I started reading quotes, books, talking to friends, relatives and even strangers to cope up with the pain and just to get it out of my system. I was my own therapist. It’s funny how we can get lost in the moment. We forget who we were before a relationship started. We give in too much of us to that person that we tend to forget our very own being.

Self worth, is giving importance to oneself before the other. I matter to ME… Not only to people who genuinely cares for me but to ME, primarily. I am important! I value myself.

Self Love, Learning to love myself more than any other person. I learned this the hard way. For me to be able to love others, I have to learn to love myself and to learn I am worthy of Love, undying, romantic kind of love. I don’t deserve less because I know my worth.

Self Respect, they say respect begets respect. I lost all respect for myself when I accepted all the lies and betrayal in my relationship. I forgave so many times, I have given so many chances. I forgot I don’t deserve all that crap. For me to accept those things is for me giving this person a chance to disrespect me. How can I gain and give respect if i don’t even respect myself.

I started rebuilding my life. I got sick and realized so many things. Because I was hungry for love and attention I gave away too much of myself. I trusted, I cared and I loved. In the process of trying to fixed what’s broken it shattered me completely. And I have to re learn everything.

Too much, too soon… But hey, Life goes on. I have to take better care of myself from now on. If not, who else will do this for me but myself. Love thyself more, Know your true value and worth, Respect thyself. These are the lessons I also want to impart to my kids and other people trying to cope with loss and pain.

It’s never too late to start all over again…

Posted in Behaviour, Careers, Children, Family, Relationships

when Patience is being tested

Through the years I have learned to live my life with different trials, hardships, heartaches and miseries. And through the years I have learned to fight, accept, move forward and forgive. They say Patience is a virtue, oh yes indeed!!! One of the virtues I have in my life is having the patience of a saint. I really do my best to keep calm in situations that I could not even comprehend. I have been through a lot in my life and for some this is a true testament of a person being so patient, strong and courageous. Persevering in the face of difficult circumstance. We all go through life in different directions and we handle things in our own ways. Sometimes, there are people you will meet and be part of your life who will surely test your patience and energy and will push you through the brink of insanity. These people are the inconsiderate ones. They have no idea what you go through life, they don’t care how you feel or how you are coping.

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when Patience is being tested, sometimes you think your intelligence is also being put to test. You question yourself, you question your abilities, even your own character. You feel like giving up in certain situations that you feel you’re being pushed away or being put down. Sometimes you feel like it’s being done intentionally to break your spirit.


Lately, in all aspects of my life my patience is once again being tested. Oh yes, I cried. Bucket of tears, sleepless nights even getting sick just thinking about it. I came to a point in my life that I wanted to just raise my hands up and just move forward. I can’t! I just can’t! I have never been a quitter nor a whiner. I always face my problems head on. I have come so far in life and my children look up to me in terms of being Patient, strong-willed and brave.
Life is an endless battle. I can never ever give up. I owe it to myself and my children. Even if for some I am not deserving of something I have worked so hard for, I can never allow them to let me think that way.


Test me, test my patience, test others but you can never put me down. I may cry, fall down, fail, but you can never have the life that I have lived. A life that is full of love, trust and care from people who believes in me and who will stand by my side no matter what.

Look at yourself in the mirror and see for yourself, Are you even worth my Time and Patience?

Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Family, Relationships

of loving and believing….

My long distance relationship turns out to be full of unwanted surprises. At first it felt like it was full of deceit and lies but when I really tried to look beyond the reasons why He tried to hide some stuff from me it makes a whole lot of sense. It’s been almost 6 to 7 months of non stop communication. What’s hard is that you really wouldn’t know the real person unless you meet them personally and live with them.

I am still struggling to put my complete trust and confidence in him but I know that if it’s really God’s will for us to be together, God will find a way and He will make things right.

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I have fallen in love for so many times and I have been hurt in the process but the hopeless romantic in me never stopped me from believing that there could always be a happy ending. Life would be a boring process without love. Love for your family, children, friends and most especially Love for a special someone. I have always wanted to be with someone who will love me, accept me, respect me and my children and whom I could grow old with. I never wanted to find a rich partner, nor a handsome young man. Just someone I could share my hopes, my dreams, my failures and my happiness.

I found something in this man I am in a relationship right now. He may be a thousand miles away from me but the security, the feeling of peace and love whenever I chat with him is just so relaxing and serene. So many challenges has rocked the relationship that at one point I almost gave up and never wanted to see him in the flesh. I prayed so hard that I will be guided with my decisions and I will be enlightened. Every time our relationship is put to the test, He would always be there and fight for us. He never gave up even if I was the one who would always raise my hands and surrender. He never turned his back on me even if I had the shortcomings of a little girl. At the end of the day I came back to him. I was tested twice of his true intentions, of his true feelings for me. I never wanted to see him nor speak with him, I tried blocking all communications but still the emotions are far too strong to disregard. I gave him one last chance. One last…


My fault is that I have never been too trusting, always in doubt, always in question. My guard is always up. The fact that I don’t want to get hurt sometimes hurt me all the more. Of loving and believing the one that you really love, of letting go of all the negativity and doubts and just Loving, believing and trusting your Beloved. Love is a risk. I always said I don’t want to take anymore risks but right now I want to be happy and stay happy. I want to fall in love freely. I want to set my heart free and just be emotionally content. I want to trust more and love more.


So I am letting go of all the emotional burdens, heartaches and sad memories and just look forward to the man that he really is. The man who loves me and never gave up. The man who makes my mornings brighter, the man who looks beyond my persona. The man who inspire me to lose weight and look prettier. My, best friend, my lover, my partner, The man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings, Uncategorized

when time flies so fast….

I could still remember the time I had my first child Camille 19 years ago. It took my family by surprise that I was about to give birth to my lovely daughter. I was not prepared for motherhood at that time. I did not know what to expect. I did not know what mother’s are supposed to do. I was turning 18 then. I missed my debut, I had to stop school for a while but I never treated it as a failure in my life. I was young and I knew back then so many things can still happen. I went back to college went on with my life. It was so normal for me. I started working part-time because I did not want to burden my parents with everything. I would admit I was not able to enjoy being a first time mother. My child called me Achie, it was chinese for Big sister. I did not really mind because we were together most of the time and I love her. She was adorable. Loves to sing even if she can’t carry a tune. She likes putting lotion on my tummy. Loves to read books and magazines which now I know why she wants to be a writer after her degree in Mass-communications. She grew up to be an Achiever. From Pre school to College, Camille never failed to bring home the bacon. Medals, certificates, achievements. She gave it to me and I am a proud Mama.

Camille at 19
Camille Soto 2

Three years had passed and I had my second child Coleen. I thought all long he was a boy. I did not have an ultrasound because I wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised when I saw her and the doctor said “It’s a girl!” All I could think about was ‘AGAIN!” another girl??? But she was a darling. She was an extrovert. A show off. She would dance for everyone, talk non stop. She grew up a little naughty. Living her life as if there’s no tomorrow. Trying different things, experimenting. I could partially see myself in her. I call her “the REBEL” Although she is not as bad as I was when I was her age but she tends to go beyond. I let her do what she wants but I guide her. She knows that I wouldn’t allow her to do stupid stuff like I used to. I know better now. She’s my musician. She is great with the guitar. Has so much passion with music and Information Technology. She gave me grades of 1.5 for her First year in college. Who wouldn’t be proud of her? I am.

Coleen at 15

My one and only living boy is Paul. Pao-pao as we fondly call him. My quiet warrior. He was born a year after his older brother Andre passed away. (You would know the history of this if you have read all my blogs). Pao is my miracle baby. He had a baby brother named Luke who also passed away 5 months after birth. Pao is such a joy to all of us. My daughters never felt jealous about the love he was showered. He is the baby of the family. What I like about Pao is he silently cares for the people around him. He doesn’t talk much but you would feel the love he has for you. Pao is the type of child who takes everything in stride. No pressure! He is a cool dude. Only worries when he has nothing to eat or nothing to do at home. He loves basketball, going to the mall and eating ice cream. I don’t really pressure him to do good in school. I just want him to enjoy himself. He is my teddy bear. I hug him even if he is now a teenager. sometimes he feels awkward most especially when there are people around us.

Paul at 13

I guess my kids gave me everything that I never got as a child, teenager even as an adult. I had so many frustrations in life. I wanted to do so much more which I never did. but my kids are my greatest achievements. They have done so many things I am truly proud of. Whatever they have achieved in life, in my heart I know I was part of that. I am just the happiest Mom and the most fulfilled one because of my children. They inspire me, made me a better person. I am a complete person even without a man. I will forever be thankful to my kids.

Oh how time flies, I could still remember their faces as babies. When all they could say was Mama, help! Mama, ouch! Mama, don’t leave me. Now, they go on with their teenage lives. Started dating, being with friends most of the time. Doing their thing. I am not the conservative type of Mom. I let them be. I allow them to go out in the world and experience life first hand. I still have control but I allow them to be on their own, to make decisions for themselves. I am still here to guide them and give them advice. I want them to grow up strong, mature and disciplined individuals. I grew up with a very strong personality. I want them to have that. I don’t want people stepping on their toes. I want them to stand up for what they believed in. I love my children so much. Sometimes I feel sad that one of these days they will have their own lives, their own families and their own careers. I might end up alone. But I know my kids so well. We just couldn’t live without each other. but whatever paths they choose, whatever lives they want to live, I am just here to support them, nurture them and love them all the way. Mama will always be there for them, no matter what.

my precious

I tell this to all parents to love your children, spend time with them, listen to them, allow them to breathe and spread their wings. Our children are the most precious jewels we will ever have. No husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend can take their place in our lives. Time flies so fast that if you do not cherish moments with them it will just pass by and you will just have regrets that you never had the chance to be with them.

Love them, protect them, nurture them….. Sometimes, they are all you’ve got in this world.

Posted in Behaviour, Careers, Dating, Family, Food


Have you ever fallen in love so deeply and passionately? Well, I did! Yeah, the moment I learned Home Economics at school I knew I was madly in love with COOKING!!!!!

This is an actual picture of my Pancit Canton and Carbonara
my spread2

It was not a boy that I first fell in love with but with Cooking. Well, at first I had a fling with Baking. I first tried my hand in Baking Cakes and Cookies. I was so hooked with my Mother’s oven at the age of 12. Whatever I learn from school I would try it at home. From Chiffon cake, Chocolate cake, Banana Nut Cake, Banana Carrot cake, Crema de Fruta, Pineapple upside down cake, Butter Cookies, Oatmeal Cookies and so on. My official tasters was my brother and my Dad. So hooked that my Dad would buy me ingredients on a weekly basis. I would spend so much time during weekends at my Mom’s kitchen. Mom saw the potential that she was planning to open up a small bakery for me. But as I’ve said, it was just a fling. I then moved on to the real deal. Cooking delectable dishes. My Dad was a natural cook. He is Chinese, so most of the dishes that he has passed on to me was Asian cuisine. I loved it! He taught me well and he passed down all the dishes he knew to me. Dad taught me Chinese Adobo which has a darker and richer sauce. My first lessons in the kitchen started with my nanny Edith. she was really a good cook that I couldn’t forget her Chicken Adobo (chicken with lots of garlic, pepper, soy sauce, laurel leaf, vinegar, sugar, salt and pepper). Her rice cakes and cassava cake. Edith taught me the basics of cooking. I am thankful for her.

Mom said I have a talent for copying the same exact dish even without a book or list of ingredients just by tasting it, I would know. Which was true. I love to experiment with flavors. I watch cooking shows to give me ideas on better mixing of spices and herbs. But all in all, my recipes are basically unique. It’s simply a trademark I have earned through the years of cooking for friends and family.

My Lumpia Shanghai, Tacos, Fried Chicken and Pasta
My Spread

Cooking for me is one of my greatest passions in life. Apart from Hosting events and Blogging. Cooking gives me the rush I need whenever I am feeling all the pains and problems of life. For me, it is not true that you must not cook whenever you feel pain or troubled because it would show on the taste and presentation of your food. For me, whenever I cook, I give my best. My very best. I think of the people who will partake of the dish. I want them to feel special, loved and satisfied. When I am in the kitchen, I feel like an artist. Creating art and flavor. I don’t feel tired even if I was cooking for 400 to 500 people, which I did when I tried the catering business. It was financially fulfilling and at the same time I was able to execute my passion.

Grilled Pork, Macaroni Salad, Nachos and Bicol Express
my spread3

I wish I could put up a restaurant business someday. I want to be able to showcase my creativity and talent. I have received numerous comments about my dishes. For me it is personal. I take it seriously whenever I cook it has to be perfection or at least put a smile on the face of my crowd. My greatest fan was my Dad. Whenever I learn something new or would want to try out a new recipe he would officially be the judge. He was my critic but it was all praises from him. Not because he was my dad but because he knew I got it from him. Dad knew I put my heart and soul in every dish I make. The enthusiasm of holding a Wok, slicing vegetables, sauteing garlic and onions. The adrenalin rush of meeting a delivery deadline. I would feel so tired but there’s no stopping. The kitchen is my kingdom. I am the queen there. It is so overwhelming most especially if the dish I am preparing is the most awaited meal by my family.

Cooking is such a pleasure for me. It releases my stress, allows me to forget my problems and sometimes it helps to score with men. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I get Wows! from the men I date whenever they find out I am a good cook. It helps though because they know that you know your way around the kitchen. they won’t get hungry or rely on Delivery take out services. I haven’t really cooked for my new partner yet. I am thrilled to be cooking for him for the first time when he arrives from Sweden this May. Well, I am confident that he would love my cooking and my dishes. Ha Ha Ha!

Chicken Curry, Pork Stew, Fried Chicken and Lumpiang Hubad
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My first true love is Cooking! I got hurt from all the frying, I cried from slicing onions, made me happy whenever I get good reviews. Satisfied me whenever I earn money from my catering jobs. At the end of the day, I am a fulfilled cook. I want to learn more, get as much experience as I can and hone my cooking skills further. Ah, The joys of Cooking. I will never get bored of this.