Posted in Behaviour, Family, Health, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Religion, Siblings

A Mother’s heart never heals when a child dies…

It was exactly seven years ago, a normal day at the hospital. I just finished feeding Luke through the tube on his nose. My 5 month old baby with a rare genetic disorder called Methylmalonic Acidemia.
We both dozed off while I was caressing his tiny little head. I was dreaming we were home. The nanny woke me up and said Luke may have stopped breathing. I looked and I thought it was just another seizure attack. The nurses were called as well as the doctors. They said my little boy stopped breathing. They revived Luke, deep down inside I hoped that it was just one of his usual attacks. After 2 months in the hospital I was getting used to the fact that he will have these seizure attacks after the diagnosis.


Methylmalonic acidemia is a disorder, passed down through families, in which the body cannot break down certain proteins and fats. The result is a build up of a substance called methylmalonic acid in the blood. The disease is usually diagnosed in the first year of life. It is an autosomal recessive disorder, which means the defective gene must be passed onto the child from both parents. The disease can cause seizures and stroke. Babies may appear normal at birth, but develop symptoms once they start eating more protein, which can cause the condition to get worse.


I was in denial. After the death of my third child Andre who died of the same disease I was very hopeful that my youngest will survive this. The clock was ticking, and the ICU nurses were called to our room. It was a code Blue for the hospital. The metabolic doctor arrived and helped with reviving of my son. I was calling random people on my mobile phone, asking for prayers and support. My heart was pounding and I was in tears. I hoped and prayed. Please God, not again. Forty five minutes and they stopped. Our doctor looked at me and said “Maybe Luke is tired already, maybe he wants to rest.” She ordered the tubes to be removed from Luke and he carried him and gave him to me. She asked me, “You want to hold your baby? Luke is still your baby.” I took his lifeless body away from the doctor and started crying. I couldn’t remember that I was hugging him so close to my chest that maybe I was about to crush him with my pain and agony. I can’t explain the pain of losing another child. My then husband tried to take him away from me because I was now crying profusely. When Luke was laid on top of the bed. I cleaned his fragile body, put powder on his body and face, changed his clothes even his diaper. Place a blanket on his body while the tears ran down my face. I looked at his angelic face and I knew he was peaceful. After his long battle, rest came to him and somehow there was a tinge of peace inside my heart. I just couldn’t believe it that I lost another beloved child.


But still, I keep questioning myself and God, Why???? Why take my baby away from me? Could I have done more to make him well? What did I do wrong to deserve this? The pain was unbearable especially that it was the second time that I lost a child from the same genetic disorder. My marriage was falling apart then and my children were the source of strength and joy but with the passing of my youngest son I was lost. I was hurt and I was broken. I did not know what to do nor feel. I was becoming numb because of the pain. I find comfort in memories of days I spent with Luke. Days that I saw a smile on his face. Days that we had in the park, Days we spent at home listening to music. Those days I will forever cherish in my heart. I kept their things in a box. Clothes I do not wish to give nor share with others. For me their stuff was sacred. Some people said I have not moved on nor healed. I can say, YES! I have moved on. Life goes on even without the special people around you. But the heart of a Mother never heals when a dear child dies. It will forever be broken. I have learned to deal with the pain through the years. I talked about them as much as I can. I still shed tears whenever I have my quiet moments alone. The pain never goes away, it’s just there. It never passes. You just learn to cope day by day. Many worried for me because they say it’s just too much to bear to have lost 2 children. I have a strong personality and I still have 3 living children that need me most especially with the difficult situation of my marriage breaking down. I knew I needed to be strong for them too. My children Andre and Luke would not want me to be unhappy with their passing. I am very sure that they wanted me to move on and be happy. I am fine now but I must admit that there are days that I just want to break down and die. But I just can’t give up just like that. I know they wouldn’t want their mother to quit easily. Life is precious. There are people who needs me, a mission I still need to fulfill.


Everything happens for a reason. And I have leaned to be a better person and be the best mom to my children. Lessons I have learned which I want to share with others. A story of courage, love, hope and faith.

Today, I remember my beloved Luke or Porkee as we fondly call him. I remember his very short life that brought so much love and happiness. I know that where he is right now is a much better place with no more pain, hunger, fear, sickness and hate. He was given to me to be a part of my life and my heart. For me to become whole.


I love you Luke! you will never be forgotten and you will forever be loved. Rest my sweet angel.

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Dating, Family, Health, Parenting, Relationships

….battered women

People may start wondering why I am blogging about this very sensitive issue, Is she a battered woman? In some ways, YES! Emotionally battered if I may say. But my topic for today’s blog is more on violence against women which is becoming very rampant nowadays. I am deeply saddened and full of rage every time I hear stories about women being abused. There are so many different ways a woman is being abused. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and so on.


I am sitting here on my laptop thinking of the lady friends I know who suffered so much in the hands of ruthless, mean and no good for nothing men in their lives. One of my best friends endured the physical, verbal and emotional torment in the hands of her then boyfriend and now ex husband. I vividly remember the time when she would report for work with dark bruises on her arms and body. She would confide in me how she was punched, pushed and slapped on the face. I could not believe nor comprehend the experience my friend endured. I could not do anything, I was just there angry, sad and devastated. All I could is listen, comfort her, support her, give her words of wisdom and understanding. My other friend who has a live in partner that has a drug addiction problem who physically and sexually abuses her. At one point when she just gave birth to their second child, the crazy partner opened the gas tank and attempted to open his lighter. While holding onto her month old baby, fighting her partner, and trying to get the lighter from him. Just imagine if she wasn’t able to stop him. The whole house could have exploded and they all died with their baby. Sometimes she would be tied to the bed whenever they have sex. Sick guy! Another friend who is also close to my heart, refuses to leave her dear husband for his unending womanizing ways. Emotionally, my friend is battered. You can see in her eyes the sadness, the hurt and the frustration every time her husband fools around with other women. It affects her work and her overall personality


Battered Women, who experience domestic violence suffers emotional abuse. The effects are not physical alone. It puts a mark on the inner being of a woman. My observation on my friends is that they share the same thinking. He will change, he was just angry, I love him, I want to save the marriage, I don’t want my kids to grow up without a father, I want my family to be intact. I have heard these lines too many times every time I try to talk to them and tell them to just leave or report it to the authorities. They will just cry and take it all in. So what now? These women will do anything, accept anything, for the sake of a complete family. They will suffer the bruises, the harsh words, the kicks, punches and embarrassment.
Battered women becomes numb to the things they endure day in and day out. It’s like they get used to it that they allow this type of abuse to go on and on. In the long run a battered woman suffers low self-esteem, post traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, fear and they have a hard time trusting men again once they become separated from their abusive partners.

low self esteem

I have been abused emotionally. I took it all in for about four years and I just felt I owe it to myself to let him go while I still have respect for myself and my self-esteem is hanging by a thread. But never will I allow a man to hurt me physically. Not a chance. not even a push. Nobody is allowed to hurt or maligned anyone. It’s our body and we have to protect it from anyone who will attempt to hurt us may it be physical or emotional. I once said to my mother if a man tries to hurt me or succeeded to punch me I will fight back like there is no tomorrow. I will never ever allow myself to be a battered woman. I love myself too much and I want my children to respect me and look up to me. I want my children to grow up strong, and not living a life in fear.

Men who hurt women physically are total cowards. This is so true! I know this for a fact. They can only hurt women but they are so afraid whenever they are confronted by authorities or family members. These are men who doesn’t have balls, who can only hurt women and not their own kind. Total idiots. They think it’s so macho to womanize. Well, it’s not! It’s stupid to flirt around and sleep around most especially if you have a beautiful, successful wife waiting for you at home. Why marry a woman and get stuck with her for the rest of your life, when all you want to do is put your freaking D*** inside every woman you meet??? A man thinks he is tough whenever he could punch a woman on the face. Why not try someone your own size and gender? Or better try entering UFC or the WWE? Then you can beat up all the men you want.


Women should never allow this to happen to them whatever the circumstances they are in. NEVER!!!! In the first instance this happens, I tell you LEAVE, FLEE! If you are not doing anything wrong then you must not suffer. We were not born to suffer at the hands of an abusive partner. Love yourself more, there are people who loves you and cares for you so much. Think about your children, your parents, your siblings. A man is just a man. If he is abusive then he doesn’t deserve YOU at all. There are far better things in life that you can have that you can enjoy. There are people who appreciates your talents, your skills and you’re being you.

Life should be enjoyed! There may be problems along the way. Trials come and go but to be miserable because you allow a man to hurt you over and over is just a plain No, NO. Free yourself from the stress, the sadness and the violence in your life. You can breathe easier and live a life without fear and danger. Life is already complicated don’t complicate it more.


Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Health, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings

A Hopeful 2013

I have not post a new blog for quite some time as I was preoccupied with so many things. I was harassed by an incident that left me penniless for the New year’s. Gladly, there were a few people who extended their help. This is one of the many things I am thankful for. 2012 was not kind enough to spare me the ordeal of facing tough moments and situations in life. However, it made me a better and stronger person. I cared more for people who give me unconditional love and patience. This year I also realized that I was never a part of a family whom I thought I belonged to. Through the years I always thought I was one of them but with one group message that changed everything. I may have turned my back on them now but they never realized that I got so hurt and disappointed. Now, I am a totally different person. If you don’t want me, I don’t want you either. I have kids who loves me so much. I have a mom even if at times we don’t agree on certain things but never turned her back on me. I have a brother who seldom speaks of the bad things I do but continuously loving, protecting and caring for me. Blood is thicker than water as they say. But, I stopped believing on this. Someday, they will realize. I was always not there. YES!!! it was not always my choice at all. Instead of reaching out, welcoming me into their lives, accepting me without question. I find myself in the sea of criticism, anger and disappointment. I was never perfect. but I always loved them and kept them in my heart.


2013 brings new hope. A fresh start. I want to say goodbye to 2012 not with a heavy heart but with lessons learned and a hopeful heart and mind. It was not that bad though. I lost, I gained, I found, but most of all I saw…
I know 2013 would be full of surprises. There would be challenges, tough roads ahead but I am positive that this year is a far better year for me and my family. God is truly good to me. After a long stressful year of 2012. He finally gave me one more reason to smile and be more happier.


I want to thank the people who have inspired me to move forward. I thank my children for being so supportive in all my endeavors, My Mom for trusting me more. My Brother Ed for never giving up on me. My cousins who shared my grief, my thoughts, my happy moments. My Uncles, Aunts who is always there for me. My friends/best friends/ close friends who never fails to understand and give support. My colleagues, my bosses, the company where I work for. I thank Mama and Papa for bringing me into this world. Thank you to both of you. Thank you Paqs, for brightening the latter part of my 2012. I hope and pray that it would be a brighter 2013 for us. We both know that this may be it for us. Thank you for putting a smile in my lips, for making me happy everyday. I promise to do the same. Finally, I thank God. For everything that I have. for everything that I have learned. Thank you God!


HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FAITHFUL READERS!!!! I promise to blog more this year. Wishing everybody a fruitful, Prosperous, Blessed and Loving 2013!!!!

Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Health, Relationships, Uncategorized

Man + (Woman) + Alcohol = TROUBLE

Some men I don’t understand during parties. They treat you nice, they show you great stuff, treat you like a princess and even make you feel that he likes you. But wait!!!! Before we jump to the conclusion that this perfect shiny guy is into you, look again…. He is just drunk! Ha ha ha! Gotcha! The problem with some men is that when alcohol takes over them they don’t know what the hell they are saying or doing. There are women who are like these as well. Sending wrong signals to the opposite sex is trouble. There are people who are vulnerable to these actions and feelings. Sometimes when a person is lonely they tend to feel overwhelmed by the show of affection given by a not so sober person in front of them. We get carried away by these strong actions that we sometimes think it is for real when it is not really the case. Alcohol does not help in any way start a beautiful romantic relationship. It may just start a physical attraction and connection but will never progressed to a real relationship once the alcohol subsides. Alcohol clouds our minds, it makes us aggressive and more open to dangers of the heart.

I myself drink. I get drunk, really drunk. But I make sure I don’t lose myself to the moment. I become weak, vulnerable, in the sense that I am lost with the show of affection of a man but I never let myself fall too much. Just enjoying the moment and when the next day comes, I’ll soon find out if there was really a connection and not just a spur/lust of the moment experience. If there is, then good. If there’s none, then much better because I was right. I never allowed myself to fall to that scary, seductive moment.

Lesson is that keep an open mind, don’t fall for silly acts of sweetness and kindness during a drinking binge. Just enjoy yourself, drink lots of iced water and take Tylenol after. Make sure you are in the right company. Know your boundaries and limitations. Never allow yourself to get lost in the moment. The music is intoxicating, the alcohol is stimulating the inner self, but we still have the control over our mind and body.

So just chill, have good clean fun. MAN+WOMAN+ALCOHOL= FUN and not TROUBLE

Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Family, Health, Relationships

the woman nobody knew existed…

I have been wanting to write about the colorful life of mistresses or shall I say the “other woman?”
I am pretty sure I will be getting a lot of comments about this blog. Lately, I have been bombarded with local movies pertaining to this subject. No other Woman, Neighbor’s Wife, A Secret Affair and The Mistress. All of which I watched and enjoyed. The life of the other woman is not as complicated as the life of a wife. She may be in the shadows but she is a happy woman. Her man comes to her and needs her, she is content. But let me just ask why do men need mistresses? Why do men have secret affairs? Why is a wife not enough? My Ex husband had countless mistresses. My mom once questioned. What the hell is he looking for? You’re smart, beautiful, a good cook, a good mother to your kids. What else is he looking for? For many years, I did not know the real answer.

Wives always ask the question, What’s wrong with me? Is it the way I look? Is it the way I cook? Is it the way I dress? WHAT???? Sometimes as wives, we will never understand the reason. But for me, I discovered from years and years of experience with friends who were once the other woman, and maybe my own experience when I never knew that I was also the other woman. Men, seek thrill. Men, seek excitement. Men seek spark, Men seek a different flavor. When you are a married couple, your lives become a routine. You become comfortable with each other and the situation. You become very trusting and complacent. Sometimes the fire that once was there in the marriage has gone to smoke. In defense to married men, it’s not all the time that they seek a new woman in their lives. There are times when it just happens. Man meets new woman, got attracted to each other, falls in love, have sex, found new fire and thrill and it keeps going. Some wives may get angry at me but I have to say, Mistresses are not always at fault. They are human beings too. Capable of giving the same amount of love as a wife would give to her husband. Yes, it is wrong to fall in love with a married person. But it’s already there. Nobody can stop it nor control it. It just happens.

Mistresses know how to handle their man. They know how to make their man happy, they know the weaknesses of the wife so they know what to do. Mistresses know their way in bed. Why else would a married man come back for more over and over again? Because the sex is great! The sex is awesome. It’s new and exciting. Even if it’s wrong, for them it feels just right. That’s just one factor. Mistresses know what their men don’t like and make sure every time their man is around,they make sure he is not reminded of his married life. One thing I also observed is that the other woman always dresses to impress. They look smart, sexy and independent. They will never dress like the wife. They too are trophy wives. Well, there are some, who becomes clingy to their man and act like they are wives so they are being left when they start acting that way. A general rule for mistresses is never act like you are the wife. And for wives to act like a mistress in bed. Nowadays, more women are starting to be open to this open relationship. Some women, would think it’s okay most especially if they don’t have plans of really getting married and have kids. Or for some it may just be casual. No strings attached. It’s a choice, nobody should dictate nor judge. Because how a person live his life is nobody’s business.

We are not to judge anyone nor mistresses. I for one never confronted any of my husband’s mistresses. Just as long as they know their boundaries and limitations, they don’t meddle with my kids money, they don’t throw a tantrum on my face then we are all fine. Mistresses should always know where they stand, they should know when to stop so as not to get hurt or hurt anyone else. Right? Wives, will always be wives and will always have legal control and rights. The other woman should know that first and foremost.

It’s never wrong to love a married person but know when to draw the line.

Posted in Behaviour, Health, Motherhood, Relationships

The Full Figured Woman….

Recently, I embraced the fact that I may never regain my old body weight when I was in my early 20’s. I am now 36 and I read in health books that for women 30 and above its is harder to lose weight. The metabolism slows down and women my age store more fats. My work does not require a lot of body movements. We sit for 8 hours typing, looking on our computers and chatting on the side. Sometimes, there would be food lying on our tables. Junk food, colas, fast food meals and so on. I do my best to exercise on weekends, I do my brisk walking or running. I am really doing my best to shed of the extra pounds gained though the years due to pregnancy and health conditions. Whatever the reasons are for being a little heavier it is still best to do something in improving my body weight and for my own well being.

When I was young, I knew I was a little chubby, whenever I eat a lot I would gain weight. My bone structure is bigger than my siblings. I am a little taller than most of them but I had years of great body weight too. I was at my best weight ever when I was 19 years old. It was so ideal that I can wear anything. From skimpy swimsuits, sleeveless blouses, mini skirts, tube dresses etc… I grew bigger when I had my third pregnancy. I also had a condition called poly cystic ovaries, wherein I had tiny cysts all over my 2 ovaries. It is a hormonal condition which also causes weight gain. I never had problems losing weight when I was a lot younger but now, it is much harder even with the help of fat reducing pills, slimming coffee, juices and diet.

Being a full-figured woman, I should be proud. I love the way I look, (though I still hope to lose more weight before the holiday seasons starts). However, there are people out there who makes a lot of fun teasing women with weight problems. Now this pisses me off especially if these people do not understand the conditions, the situations these women go through on a daily basis. All they think about is it is naturally funny and disgusting. Full figured women are happy and successful people. Of course, they also want to lose weight. Who doesn’t? But people should respect every single person’s decision on they way they live their lives. We have a lot to offer in this society. We love life, we respect others and we are sexy in our own very special way. My self-confidence has always stayed with me. It’s the way I carry myself and how I project sexiness even if I am full-figured. I don’t care what others may say about how I look, the important thing is I am happy and content. I have family and friends around me who appreciate my presence and significance in their lives.

Next time you see a full-figured woman, smile but never laugh or make jokes about them. Show them respect. They don’t need pity nor acceptance in this society just your Respect.