Category Archives: Motherhood

when time flies so fast….

I could still remember the time I had my first child Camille 19 years ago. It took my family by surprise that I was about to give birth to my lovely daughter. I was not prepared for motherhood at that time. I did not know what to expect. I did not know what mother’s are supposed to do. I was turning 18 then. I missed my debut, I had to stop school for a while but I never treated it as a failure in my life. I was young and I knew back then so many things can still happen. I went back to college went on with my life. It was so normal for me. I started working part-time because I did not want to burden my parents with everything. I would admit I was not able to enjoy being a first time mother. My child called me Achie, it was chinese for Big sister. I did not really mind because we were together most of the time and I love her. She was adorable. Loves to sing even if she can’t carry a tune. She likes putting lotion on my tummy. Loves to read books and magazines which now I know why she wants to be a writer after her degree in Mass-communications. She grew up to be an Achiever. From Pre school to College, Camille never failed to bring home the bacon. Medals, certificates, achievements. She gave it to me and I am a proud Mama.

Camille at 19
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Three years had passed and I had my second child Coleen. I thought all long he was a boy. I did not have an ultrasound because I wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised when I saw her and the doctor said “It’s a girl!” All I could think about was ‘AGAIN!” another girl??? But she was a darling. She was an extrovert. A show off. She would dance for everyone, talk non stop. She grew up a little naughty. Living her life as if there’s no tomorrow. Trying different things, experimenting. I could partially see myself in her. I call her “the REBEL” Although she is not as bad as I was when I was her age but she tends to go beyond. I let her do what she wants but I guide her. She knows that I wouldn’t allow her to do stupid stuff like I used to. I know better now. She’s my musician. She is great with the guitar. Has so much passion with music and Information Technology. She gave me grades of 1.5 for her First year in college. Who wouldn’t be proud of her? I am.

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My one and only living boy is Paul. Pao-pao as we fondly call him. My quiet warrior. He was born a year after his older brother Andre passed away. (You would know the history of this if you have read all my blogs). Pao is my miracle baby. He had a baby brother named Luke who also passed away 5 months after birth. Pao is such a joy to all of us. My daughters never felt jealous about the love he was showered. He is the baby of the family. What I like about Pao is he silently cares for the people around him. He doesn’t talk much but you would feel the love he has for you. Pao is the type of child who takes everything in stride. No pressure! He is a cool dude. Only worries when he has nothing to eat or nothing to do at home. He loves basketball, going to the mall and eating ice cream. I don’t really pressure him to do good in school. I just want him to enjoy himself. He is my teddy bear. I hug him even if he is now a teenager. sometimes he feels awkward most especially when there are people around us.

Paul at 13
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I guess my kids gave me everything that I never got as a child, teenager even as an adult. I had so many frustrations in life. I wanted to do so much more which I never did. but my kids are my greatest achievements. They have done so many things I am truly proud of. Whatever they have achieved in life, in my heart I know I was part of that. I am just the happiest Mom and the most fulfilled one because of my children. They inspire me, made me a better person. I am a complete person even without a man. I will forever be thankful to my kids.

Oh how time flies, I could still remember their faces as babies. When all they could say was Mama, help! Mama, ouch! Mama, don’t leave me. Now, they go on with their teenage lives. Started dating, being with friends most of the time. Doing their thing. I am not the conservative type of Mom. I let them be. I allow them to go out in the world and experience life first hand. I still have control but I allow them to be on their own, to make decisions for themselves. I am still here to guide them and give them advice. I want them to grow up strong, mature and disciplined individuals. I grew up with a very strong personality. I want them to have that. I don’t want people stepping on their toes. I want them to stand up for what they believed in. I love my children so much. Sometimes I feel sad that one of these days they will have their own lives, their own families and their own careers. I might end up alone. But I know my kids so well. We just couldn’t live without each other. but whatever paths they choose, whatever lives they want to live, I am just here to support them, nurture them and love them all the way. Mama will always be there for them, no matter what.

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I tell this to all parents to love your children, spend time with them, listen to them, allow them to breathe and spread their wings. Our children are the most precious jewels we will ever have. No husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend can take their place in our lives. Time flies so fast that if you do not cherish moments with them it will just pass by and you will just have regrets that you never had the chance to be with them.

Love them, protect them, nurture them….. Sometimes, they are all you’ve got in this world.

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A Mother’s heart never heals when a child dies…

It was exactly seven years ago, a normal day at the hospital. I just finished feeding Luke through the tube on his nose. My 5 month old baby with a rare genetic disorder called Methylmalonic Acidemia.
We both dozed off while I was caressing his tiny little head. I was dreaming we were home. The nanny woke me up and said Luke may have stopped breathing. I looked and I thought it was just another seizure attack. The nurses were called as well as the doctors. They said my little boy stopped breathing. They revived Luke, deep down inside I hoped that it was just one of his usual attacks. After 2 months in the hospital I was getting used to the fact that he will have these seizure attacks after the diagnosis.

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Methylmalonic acidemia is a disorder, passed down through families, in which the body cannot break down certain proteins and fats. The result is a build up of a substance called methylmalonic acid in the blood. The disease is usually diagnosed in the first year of life. It is an autosomal recessive disorder, which means the defective gene must be passed onto the child from both parents. The disease can cause seizures and stroke. Babies may appear normal at birth, but develop symptoms once they start eating more protein, which can cause the condition to get worse.

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I was in denial. After the death of my third child Andre who died of the same disease I was very hopeful that my youngest will survive this. The clock was ticking, and the ICU nurses were called to our room. It was a code Blue for the hospital. The metabolic doctor arrived and helped with reviving of my son. I was calling random people on my mobile phone, asking for prayers and support. My heart was pounding and I was in tears. I hoped and prayed. Please God, not again. Forty five minutes and they stopped. Our doctor looked at me and said “Maybe Luke is tired already, maybe he wants to rest.” She ordered the tubes to be removed from Luke and he carried him and gave him to me. She asked me, “You want to hold your baby? Luke is still your baby.” I took his lifeless body away from the doctor and started crying. I couldn’t remember that I was hugging him so close to my chest that maybe I was about to crush him with my pain and agony. I can’t explain the pain of losing another child. My then husband tried to take him away from me because I was now crying profusely. When Luke was laid on top of the bed. I cleaned his fragile body, put powder on his body and face, changed his clothes even his diaper. Place a blanket on his body while the tears ran down my face. I looked at his angelic face and I knew he was peaceful. After his long battle, rest came to him and somehow there was a tinge of peace inside my heart. I just couldn’t believe it that I lost another beloved child.

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But still, I keep questioning myself and God, Why???? Why take my baby away from me? Could I have done more to make him well? What did I do wrong to deserve this? The pain was unbearable especially that it was the second time that I lost a child from the same genetic disorder. My marriage was falling apart then and my children were the source of strength and joy but with the passing of my youngest son I was lost. I was hurt and I was broken. I did not know what to do nor feel. I was becoming numb because of the pain. I find comfort in memories of days I spent with Luke. Days that I saw a smile on his face. Days that we had in the park, Days we spent at home listening to music. Those days I will forever cherish in my heart. I kept their things in a box. Clothes I do not wish to give nor share with others. For me their stuff was sacred. Some people said I have not moved on nor healed. I can say, YES! I have moved on. Life goes on even without the special people around you. But the heart of a Mother never heals when a dear child dies. It will forever be broken. I have learned to deal with the pain through the years. I talked about them as much as I can. I still shed tears whenever I have my quiet moments alone. The pain never goes away, it’s just there. It never passes. You just learn to cope day by day. Many worried for me because they say it’s just too much to bear to have lost 2 children. I have a strong personality and I still have 3 living children that need me most especially with the difficult situation of my marriage breaking down. I knew I needed to be strong for them too. My children Andre and Luke would not want me to be unhappy with their passing. I am very sure that they wanted me to move on and be happy. I am fine now but I must admit that there are days that I just want to break down and die. But I just can’t give up just like that. I know they wouldn’t want their mother to quit easily. Life is precious. There are people who needs me, a mission I still need to fulfill.

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Everything happens for a reason. And I have leaned to be a better person and be the best mom to my children. Lessons I have learned which I want to share with others. A story of courage, love, hope and faith.

Today, I remember my beloved Luke or Porkee as we fondly call him. I remember his very short life that brought so much love and happiness. I know that where he is right now is a much better place with no more pain, hunger, fear, sickness and hate. He was given to me to be a part of my life and my heart. For me to become whole.

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I love you Luke! you will never be forgotten and you will forever be loved. Rest my sweet angel.

Men and Spice

My brain was not functioning well for the past few weeks. I was engrossed with work and meeting my stats. I want to focus on my blog as my avid readers and followers are asking me what’s new on my blog. I was inspired to write this afternoon about Men in general. Spices and sparkle. I was chatting with an Ex bf slash childhood friend slash good friend. we were talking about his family life. He would often joke about us going out on a date or checking out other girls and I would tell him it’s not right. I told him you are very much married and a family man. That would simply be unfair to your wife and your kids, I said. I was really surprise with his answer when he said, She is my wife, she is the mother of my children. that won’t ever change. Then why ask for a date with me or with another girl? He simply replied maybe I miss the excitement. The thrill. Aaaahhhh!!! I said. You miss the spice of being in an intimate relationship. The goose bumps, the stomach twisting moments, the crazy I’m in love feeling. The fireworks. The electricity. But whatever happened to the love between spouses? The cuddling, the just you and me alone time. What really happens after the wedding, the honeymoon stage, the pregnancy, the childbirth?

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Most people would say everything stops after the children are born. Couples get preoccupied in taking care of the children. Busy schedules, school meetings, business meetings and so on. We miss the fact that we have our partners to think about. I was once married. And I must say that there was a point in my marriage when all we thought about was the kids, our finances and our jobs. We missed the fact that first and foremost we were a married couple that we were suppose to take care of each other. That we have to make each other feel special. Don’t let the romance leave the relationship or the marriage.

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For most women it is easy to sacrifice everything for the sake of a happy and complete family. But for most men, not all! There is always an urge to seek and find thrill and adventure. Men look at us women differently when we give birth. It’s like we lost the glamour, the sparkle. I would admit I embraced motherhood when I had children. I forgot to love myself, to look good and feel good about myself. I focus more on being the best mother in the world. It’s a good thing I realized my shortcomings early and changed not for my husband but for ME…. Just for me, for my self-worth. It was too late though for my marriage. I couldn’t save it. But I’m ok, I’m in love once agin and I hope I won’t make the same mistake again.

So what’s with men and spice??? Men would always look for something new and exciting. Something new to their taste and preference. the important thing with us women is that we have to do our best to keep the fire burning. Bring lots of spice in the marriage and relationship. Be a little more adventurous, try something different. Something kinky. Red lingerie, hand cuffs, whipped cream, candles, a pole, role playing, whatever it takes to make it really special and enticing. Men are visual in general. When they like what they see and they want it bad and they try to get it. It stimulates their brain and senses and most especially their ****.

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So why not add a little spice, it won’t hurt.
What’s a little spice in our relationship, when it could keep your man hooked.

A Hopeful 2013

I have not post a new blog for quite some time as I was preoccupied with so many things. I was harassed by an incident that left me penniless for the New year’s. Gladly, there were a few people who extended their help. This is one of the many things I am thankful for. 2012 was not kind enough to spare me the ordeal of facing tough moments and situations in life. However, it made me a better and stronger person. I cared more for people who give me unconditional love and patience. This year I also realized that I was never a part of a family whom I thought I belonged to. Through the years I always thought I was one of them but with one group message that changed everything. I may have turned my back on them now but they never realized that I got so hurt and disappointed. Now, I am a totally different person. If you don’t want me, I don’t want you either. I have kids who loves me so much. I have a mom even if at times we don’t agree on certain things but never turned her back on me. I have a brother who seldom speaks of the bad things I do but continuously loving, protecting and caring for me. Blood is thicker than water as they say. But, I stopped believing on this. Someday, they will realize. I was always not there. YES!!! it was not always my choice at all. Instead of reaching out, welcoming me into their lives, accepting me without question. I find myself in the sea of criticism, anger and disappointment. I was never perfect. but I always loved them and kept them in my heart.

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2013 brings new hope. A fresh start. I want to say goodbye to 2012 not with a heavy heart but with lessons learned and a hopeful heart and mind. It was not that bad though. I lost, I gained, I found, but most of all I saw…
I know 2013 would be full of surprises. There would be challenges, tough roads ahead but I am positive that this year is a far better year for me and my family. God is truly good to me. After a long stressful year of 2012. He finally gave me one more reason to smile and be more happier.

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I want to thank the people who have inspired me to move forward. I thank my children for being so supportive in all my endeavors, My Mom for trusting me more. My Brother Ed for never giving up on me. My cousins who shared my grief, my thoughts, my happy moments. My Uncles, Aunts who is always there for me. My friends/best friends/ close friends who never fails to understand and give support. My colleagues, my bosses, the company where I work for. I thank Mama and Papa for bringing me into this world. Thank you to both of you. Thank you Paqs, for brightening the latter part of my 2012. I hope and pray that it would be a brighter 2013 for us. We both know that this may be it for us. Thank you for putting a smile in my lips, for making me happy everyday. I promise to do the same. Finally, I thank God. For everything that I have. for everything that I have learned. Thank you God!

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HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FAITHFUL READERS!!!! I promise to blog more this year. Wishing everybody a fruitful, Prosperous, Blessed and Loving 2013!!!!

Live life like there’s no tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be celebrating my 37th birthday. No celebrations nor fanfare. just some quality family time. I began to assess the years gone by and truly I must say I lived a colorful and emotional life. 37 years may sound short but when I look back I have been through a lot of things which I believe a normal 37-year-old woman would not have gone through. For starters, I knew all my life that I was adopted. My mom was so strict that me and my brother can’t do stuff normal teenagers would do. I was a rebel. I did a lot of stupid and crazy things in life. I never had a perfect relationship with any guy. The longest relationship I had would actually be around 8 years or so. I lost 2 children to a genetic disorder. I have piles and piles of debt. My career is I would say steady. No personal growth for at least 7 years. I was tricked by a man in lending him money and never paying me back. Now he acts as if nothing happened even if it almost reached the high courts. My brother’s long time girlfriend died in a horrible fire which took her life and her niece’s life. She was very close to me. I liked her and losing her created a hole in my heart. I lost my Dad last February of this year. This will be my first birthday without him.

I have 3 wonderful and smart children. They are the only source of strength and joy in my life. There are some people whom they think they could better take care of my kids but I will never allow them to do so because my children are mine alone. Nobody can take them away from me. For some my parenting skills may sometimes be too liberated and carefree. But that’s how I want my 3 children to be raised. To have an open mind, to speak what they have to say. To be able to do the things I was not able to do. To reach their full potential. Their achievements are mine too.

If I look back now, I would say that my life is full of trials and drama. This blog would not be enough to sum up everything that has happened in the past. But I am the strong person that I am right now because of the trials, problems and hardships I have faced through the years. I am still a work in progress, I am learning and I hope I don’t get too tired or too frustrated with everything that is going on. I am a strong believer in love, life and happiness. I may not have found the right person to be with. I know somewhere out there, he is there for me.

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My life is like a canvass. There is mystery, beauty, drama and joy rolled into one. I don’t care what others may say about me or how I live my life. What is important is that I live my life the way I want it to be. I don’t hurt nor step on others feelings. I learn from my mistakes. Impart to people my learning experiences. What I really need right now is to relax, enjoy and appreciate what I have and be content. I just need to pause for a minute and move on once again.

Everyone deserves to be happy. We must do what we have to do in order for us to achieve what needs to be achieved and learn to Live life, like there is no tomorrow….

I am most thankful for…..

There are times when we get preoccupied with a lot of things in life that we forget to count our blessings. This blog may sound religious in nature but whether a person believes in religion or not we still have to be thankful for everything that we have.

Everyday, I start my day with a prayer. My day is not complete without giving thanks to the Supreme Being, my Lord, God and Savior. If I am not able to pray at home, I make it a point that I pray on my way to work. The very first thing that I say to my God is “Thank you Lord for this day that you have given me.” I am thankful that I am still alive and breathing and I will be able to spend this day with my kids and loved ones and I will be able to go to work happy, healthy and safe. Second, “Thank you Lord for my children.” Thank you for giving them to me as they give me so much joy and happiness. They are the reason why I remain strong in spite of all the trials and hardships in life. I remain focused and inspired because of them. Third, “Thank you Lord for two sets of parents, my biological and adoptive parents.” Thank you for letting me have two dads and two moms. For without them I will not be the person I am right now. Fourth, “Thank you Lord for my brothers and sisters.” I am lucky to have siblings that I know who will protect me and love me no matter what. Fifth, “Thank you Lord for the special people who never fail to help me in times when I needed help.” These are people who help, love, accept and forgive me over and over without question. Sixth, “Thank you Lord for the food on the table, money inside my wallet and the home where I live. “Seventh, “Thank you Lord for my job, for without it I won’t be able to send my children to school and I am able to provide for their needs.” Eighth, “Thank you Lord for my creditors and debtors, they have been compassionate and patient with me.” Ninth “Thank you Lord for my Dad whom you gave 81 years to me and my family, Thank you for giving me my two babies even for a short period of time, they made me a better and stronger mother and person.” Tenth, “Thank you Lord for friends.” Real friends who will never leave my side even if worst comes to worst and not friends who will leave me because I am poor and I am not famous. Friends who are loyal and will remain true whatever happens. And lastly, “Thank you Lord, for YOU.” You are everything to me, For loving me, helping me and giving me all the blessings that I am thankful for right now.

As I have said it is really not a matter of religion, whether we believe in God or not. The thing is we should be appreciative of the things that we have, may it be good or bad, small or big. Counting your blessings makes one more at peace rather than counting the bad misfortunes we encounter.

Come to think of it, while I was typing this blog I realized I am truly blessed. I will just work hard and pray harder for the extra things that I need.

We just have to remember that there is always something to be Thankful for.

The Full Figured Woman….

Recently, I embraced the fact that I may never regain my old body weight when I was in my early 20’s. I am now 36 and I read in health books that for women 30 and above its is harder to lose weight. The metabolism slows down and women my age store more fats. My work does not require a lot of body movements. We sit for 8 hours typing, looking on our computers and chatting on the side. Sometimes, there would be food lying on our tables. Junk food, colas, fast food meals and so on. I do my best to exercise on weekends, I do my brisk walking or running. I am really doing my best to shed of the extra pounds gained though the years due to pregnancy and health conditions. Whatever the reasons are for being a little heavier it is still best to do something in improving my body weight and for my own well being.

When I was young, I knew I was a little chubby, whenever I eat a lot I would gain weight. My bone structure is bigger than my siblings. I am a little taller than most of them but I had years of great body weight too. I was at my best weight ever when I was 19 years old. It was so ideal that I can wear anything. From skimpy swimsuits, sleeveless blouses, mini skirts, tube dresses etc… I grew bigger when I had my third pregnancy. I also had a condition called poly cystic ovaries, wherein I had tiny cysts all over my 2 ovaries. It is a hormonal condition which also causes weight gain. I never had problems losing weight when I was a lot younger but now, it is much harder even with the help of fat reducing pills, slimming coffee, juices and diet.

Being a full-figured woman, I should be proud. I love the way I look, (though I still hope to lose more weight before the holiday seasons starts). However, there are people out there who makes a lot of fun teasing women with weight problems. Now this pisses me off especially if these people do not understand the conditions, the situations these women go through on a daily basis. All they think about is it is naturally funny and disgusting. Full figured women are happy and successful people. Of course, they also want to lose weight. Who doesn’t? But people should respect every single person’s decision on they way they live their lives. We have a lot to offer in this society. We love life, we respect others and we are sexy in our own very special way. My self-confidence has always stayed with me. It’s the way I carry myself and how I project sexiness even if I am full-figured. I don’t care what others may say about how I look, the important thing is I am happy and content. I have family and friends around me who appreciate my presence and significance in their lives.

Next time you see a full-figured woman, smile but never laugh or make jokes about them. Show them respect. They don’t need pity nor acceptance in this society just your Respect.