Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings

A Mother’s Pain

It’s been quite a while since I last posted a Blog. Well, I have been really busy doing a lot of things left and right. Being a full-time mother to my grown-up children, a daughter to an 81-year-old mother who has an onset of dementia, grandmother to a year and a half old grandson, sister, friend, counselor, cook, baker, virtual worker, name it I’m doing it. A very personal and emotional thing happened to me just a few days ago Let me tell you a story of a Mother’s pain.

What is a Mother??? What is her role? Until when does a mother serve and give herself to the service of her family and kids? What are her boundaries? Is a mother’s love eternal and unconditional? I started young, I had my first child when I was 18 years old. Back then I really had no idea what motherhood was. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs since my first child. I was not a Mother Theresa, I was not a perfect mother but I know I as time passes by, I learned from all the experiences that I have encountered in the course of my being a Mom. Life was not easy. Sometimes I want to give up and sometimes I just wanted everybody to just leave me alone. But looking back I am grateful for having so many special people helping me along the way, teaching me, correcting me. I couldn’t have done all of those responsibilities and trials if not for people who cared and mattered to me the most.

Motherhood is not being able to prove to anyone that you can do it all alone, it’s not showing off to people that you are a hands-on Mom or a Super Mom. It is acknowledging the fact that yes, you need people around you, who will teach you, make you a better person, mold you to become a good Mom. I am a work in progress. I never said I was perfect. The world doesn’t revolve in me alone. I am still learning to be a good Mom. I still want to love and take care of people not only my children and grandson. I want to be better because I know there is still so much to learn with so little time.

A mother’s love is unconditional and eternal. You can have different husbands, wives and even change your sexual preferences but a Mother is eternal and constant. Forgiving and forever loving a child that will test her patience and boundaries.

I am in so much pain as I am writing this Blog. When a child looks at you and has not looked back at all the things that you have sacrificed and done for that child to be happy and successful. When a child looks at you and tells you were just there because you wanted money. Not ever thinking of the everyday sacrifice that you have to go through from day one, the countless battles of sleepiness and tiredness, the bills that need to be paid, work that needs to be done and have fought tooth and nail for all the bad things thrown to a child’s face. To always believe what a child says even though sometimes a mother doubts the innocence. But yes! till the very end, the mother will protect and standby her child.

Respect, acknowledgment and a small amount of love and appreciation. Your pride will not get you anywhere. It did not even settle with your friends. How much more with your family? Have you ever asked yourself why people leave, why they don’t talk to you anymore?

One day you will realize this when your child is all grown up and you’re getting older. I’ve done my part, I’ve said everything that I can say. The hurt will always remain in my heart but who am I not to forgive a child who will only acknowledge her faults and throw away that pride and broken ego. It’s not about me, it’s not a pity party. Someday when I am no longer around and you will read this and realize what my heart is telling you. We may never go back to the way were in the past but moving on, You are a mother too, listen to your own heart, Open your mind, it’s not going to break you as a person nor make you less of a person but instead it will make you a compassionate and dedicated person.

A mother’s heart can endure a thousand more pain, but the soul sometimes gets too weary and tired.

We may never find each other nor speak heart to heart but forever you will be in my heart but for now, I’ll let you be as I start a new journey in rehabilitating my broken heart and soul. I am tired, really tired I think it’s time for me to take care of ME.






Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Parenting, Relationships

Blogging my way back….

It’s been several months since I last blogged. I was so busy and pre occupied with my new work and my personal life. I have so many things to share and I am so sorry to disappoint my followers for not sharing my adventures and experiences the past few months. Anyway, I’m back and will do my very best to stay for good. Today marks my Anniversary with my partner Paqs. So many challenges, questions and trials but the good thing is that we made it!!!! Life has truly been different since he came along. I am much happier, content, more prayerful and more confident with myself. He made me feel I am truly special and that I am not less of a person because of the many things I have been through in life. The scars are no longer important when you truly love a person most especially when you fully embraced the person’s whole being. There are no questions asked, no looking back. I guess I am just looking towards the future. A future with him and a life of bliss. I thank him for the unconditional love and patience. I never thought I would find someone who could love and accept the person that I am. So thank you very much!!! I promise to do my very best to be the supportive partner you want me to be. I LOVE YOU so much Babe!!!


What more can I ask for in life at this very moment??? Nothing…. Because I am content. I am in a place right now where I could just sit back and just taste happiness and peace. I pray for faith and trust so I could find my inner peace. I have also let go of the people who has always made me feel unwanted and very small. I had to because in order for me to move on I had to let go of the negativity surrounding me. I just want to be me. To be the person I want to be. I learn to love and respect myself even more and to love my children much much more.


There are still challenges along the way but I have more faith in myself and in God. I know with a positive outlook and with a happy heart I could face anything that comes along. This year was really a tough one but it moulded me and taught me to be a better and stronger person and to stay focused on the things I want to achieve. God is indeed good to those who are patient and persevering. We just have to learn to really never give up and hold on to that faith. The goodness of one’s heart radiates in the totality of a person.

Happy and positive thoughts all the way!!!!

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings, Uncategorized

when time flies so fast….

I could still remember the time I had my first child Camille 19 years ago. It took my family by surprise that I was about to give birth to my lovely daughter. I was not prepared for motherhood at that time. I did not know what to expect. I did not know what mother’s are supposed to do. I was turning 18 then. I missed my debut, I had to stop school for a while but I never treated it as a failure in my life. I was young and I knew back then so many things can still happen. I went back to college went on with my life. It was so normal for me. I started working part-time because I did not want to burden my parents with everything. I would admit I was not able to enjoy being a first time mother. My child called me Achie, it was chinese for Big sister. I did not really mind because we were together most of the time and I love her. She was adorable. Loves to sing even if she can’t carry a tune. She likes putting lotion on my tummy. Loves to read books and magazines which now I know why she wants to be a writer after her degree in Mass-communications. She grew up to be an Achiever. From Pre school to College, Camille never failed to bring home the bacon. Medals, certificates, achievements. She gave it to me and I am a proud Mama.

Camille at 19
Camille Soto 2

Three years had passed and I had my second child Coleen. I thought all long he was a boy. I did not have an ultrasound because I wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised when I saw her and the doctor said “It’s a girl!” All I could think about was ‘AGAIN!” another girl??? But she was a darling. She was an extrovert. A show off. She would dance for everyone, talk non stop. She grew up a little naughty. Living her life as if there’s no tomorrow. Trying different things, experimenting. I could partially see myself in her. I call her “the REBEL” Although she is not as bad as I was when I was her age but she tends to go beyond. I let her do what she wants but I guide her. She knows that I wouldn’t allow her to do stupid stuff like I used to. I know better now. She’s my musician. She is great with the guitar. Has so much passion with music and Information Technology. She gave me grades of 1.5 for her First year in college. Who wouldn’t be proud of her? I am.

Coleen at 15

My one and only living boy is Paul. Pao-pao as we fondly call him. My quiet warrior. He was born a year after his older brother Andre passed away. (You would know the history of this if you have read all my blogs). Pao is my miracle baby. He had a baby brother named Luke who also passed away 5 months after birth. Pao is such a joy to all of us. My daughters never felt jealous about the love he was showered. He is the baby of the family. What I like about Pao is he silently cares for the people around him. He doesn’t talk much but you would feel the love he has for you. Pao is the type of child who takes everything in stride. No pressure! He is a cool dude. Only worries when he has nothing to eat or nothing to do at home. He loves basketball, going to the mall and eating ice cream. I don’t really pressure him to do good in school. I just want him to enjoy himself. He is my teddy bear. I hug him even if he is now a teenager. sometimes he feels awkward most especially when there are people around us.

Paul at 13

I guess my kids gave me everything that I never got as a child, teenager even as an adult. I had so many frustrations in life. I wanted to do so much more which I never did. but my kids are my greatest achievements. They have done so many things I am truly proud of. Whatever they have achieved in life, in my heart I know I was part of that. I am just the happiest Mom and the most fulfilled one because of my children. They inspire me, made me a better person. I am a complete person even without a man. I will forever be thankful to my kids.

Oh how time flies, I could still remember their faces as babies. When all they could say was Mama, help! Mama, ouch! Mama, don’t leave me. Now, they go on with their teenage lives. Started dating, being with friends most of the time. Doing their thing. I am not the conservative type of Mom. I let them be. I allow them to go out in the world and experience life first hand. I still have control but I allow them to be on their own, to make decisions for themselves. I am still here to guide them and give them advice. I want them to grow up strong, mature and disciplined individuals. I grew up with a very strong personality. I want them to have that. I don’t want people stepping on their toes. I want them to stand up for what they believed in. I love my children so much. Sometimes I feel sad that one of these days they will have their own lives, their own families and their own careers. I might end up alone. But I know my kids so well. We just couldn’t live without each other. but whatever paths they choose, whatever lives they want to live, I am just here to support them, nurture them and love them all the way. Mama will always be there for them, no matter what.

my precious

I tell this to all parents to love your children, spend time with them, listen to them, allow them to breathe and spread their wings. Our children are the most precious jewels we will ever have. No husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend can take their place in our lives. Time flies so fast that if you do not cherish moments with them it will just pass by and you will just have regrets that you never had the chance to be with them.

Love them, protect them, nurture them….. Sometimes, they are all you’ve got in this world.

Posted in Behaviour, Family, Health, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Religion, Siblings

A Mother’s heart never heals when a child dies…

It was exactly seven years ago, a normal day at the hospital. I just finished feeding Luke through the tube on his nose. My 5 month old baby with a rare genetic disorder called Methylmalonic Acidemia.
We both dozed off while I was caressing his tiny little head. I was dreaming we were home. The nanny woke me up and said Luke may have stopped breathing. I looked and I thought it was just another seizure attack. The nurses were called as well as the doctors. They said my little boy stopped breathing. They revived Luke, deep down inside I hoped that it was just one of his usual attacks. After 2 months in the hospital I was getting used to the fact that he will have these seizure attacks after the diagnosis.


Methylmalonic acidemia is a disorder, passed down through families, in which the body cannot break down certain proteins and fats. The result is a build up of a substance called methylmalonic acid in the blood. The disease is usually diagnosed in the first year of life. It is an autosomal recessive disorder, which means the defective gene must be passed onto the child from both parents. The disease can cause seizures and stroke. Babies may appear normal at birth, but develop symptoms once they start eating more protein, which can cause the condition to get worse.


I was in denial. After the death of my third child Andre who died of the same disease I was very hopeful that my youngest will survive this. The clock was ticking, and the ICU nurses were called to our room. It was a code Blue for the hospital. The metabolic doctor arrived and helped with reviving of my son. I was calling random people on my mobile phone, asking for prayers and support. My heart was pounding and I was in tears. I hoped and prayed. Please God, not again. Forty five minutes and they stopped. Our doctor looked at me and said “Maybe Luke is tired already, maybe he wants to rest.” She ordered the tubes to be removed from Luke and he carried him and gave him to me. She asked me, “You want to hold your baby? Luke is still your baby.” I took his lifeless body away from the doctor and started crying. I couldn’t remember that I was hugging him so close to my chest that maybe I was about to crush him with my pain and agony. I can’t explain the pain of losing another child. My then husband tried to take him away from me because I was now crying profusely. When Luke was laid on top of the bed. I cleaned his fragile body, put powder on his body and face, changed his clothes even his diaper. Place a blanket on his body while the tears ran down my face. I looked at his angelic face and I knew he was peaceful. After his long battle, rest came to him and somehow there was a tinge of peace inside my heart. I just couldn’t believe it that I lost another beloved child.


But still, I keep questioning myself and God, Why???? Why take my baby away from me? Could I have done more to make him well? What did I do wrong to deserve this? The pain was unbearable especially that it was the second time that I lost a child from the same genetic disorder. My marriage was falling apart then and my children were the source of strength and joy but with the passing of my youngest son I was lost. I was hurt and I was broken. I did not know what to do nor feel. I was becoming numb because of the pain. I find comfort in memories of days I spent with Luke. Days that I saw a smile on his face. Days that we had in the park, Days we spent at home listening to music. Those days I will forever cherish in my heart. I kept their things in a box. Clothes I do not wish to give nor share with others. For me their stuff was sacred. Some people said I have not moved on nor healed. I can say, YES! I have moved on. Life goes on even without the special people around you. But the heart of a Mother never heals when a dear child dies. It will forever be broken. I have learned to deal with the pain through the years. I talked about them as much as I can. I still shed tears whenever I have my quiet moments alone. The pain never goes away, it’s just there. It never passes. You just learn to cope day by day. Many worried for me because they say it’s just too much to bear to have lost 2 children. I have a strong personality and I still have 3 living children that need me most especially with the difficult situation of my marriage breaking down. I knew I needed to be strong for them too. My children Andre and Luke would not want me to be unhappy with their passing. I am very sure that they wanted me to move on and be happy. I am fine now but I must admit that there are days that I just want to break down and die. But I just can’t give up just like that. I know they wouldn’t want their mother to quit easily. Life is precious. There are people who needs me, a mission I still need to fulfill.


Everything happens for a reason. And I have leaned to be a better person and be the best mom to my children. Lessons I have learned which I want to share with others. A story of courage, love, hope and faith.

Today, I remember my beloved Luke or Porkee as we fondly call him. I remember his very short life that brought so much love and happiness. I know that where he is right now is a much better place with no more pain, hunger, fear, sickness and hate. He was given to me to be a part of my life and my heart. For me to become whole.


I love you Luke! you will never be forgotten and you will forever be loved. Rest my sweet angel.

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Dating, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

Men and Spice

My brain was not functioning well for the past few weeks. I was engrossed with work and meeting my stats. I want to focus on my blog as my avid readers and followers are asking me what’s new on my blog. I was inspired to write this afternoon about Men in general. Spices and sparkle. I was chatting with an Ex bf slash childhood friend slash good friend. we were talking about his family life. He would often joke about us going out on a date or checking out other girls and I would tell him it’s not right. I told him you are very much married and a family man. That would simply be unfair to your wife and your kids, I said. I was really surprise with his answer when he said, She is my wife, she is the mother of my children. that won’t ever change. Then why ask for a date with me or with another girl? He simply replied maybe I miss the excitement. The thrill. Aaaahhhh!!! I said. You miss the spice of being in an intimate relationship. The goose bumps, the stomach twisting moments, the crazy I’m in love feeling. The fireworks. The electricity. But whatever happened to the love between spouses? The cuddling, the just you and me alone time. What really happens after the wedding, the honeymoon stage, the pregnancy, the childbirth?


Most people would say everything stops after the children are born. Couples get preoccupied in taking care of the children. Busy schedules, school meetings, business meetings and so on. We miss the fact that we have our partners to think about. I was once married. And I must say that there was a point in my marriage when all we thought about was the kids, our finances and our jobs. We missed the fact that first and foremost we were a married couple that we were suppose to take care of each other. That we have to make each other feel special. Don’t let the romance leave the relationship or the marriage.


For most women it is easy to sacrifice everything for the sake of a happy and complete family. But for most men, not all! There is always an urge to seek and find thrill and adventure. Men look at us women differently when we give birth. It’s like we lost the glamour, the sparkle. I would admit I embraced motherhood when I had children. I forgot to love myself, to look good and feel good about myself. I focus more on being the best mother in the world. It’s a good thing I realized my shortcomings early and changed not for my husband but for ME…. Just for me, for my self-worth. It was too late though for my marriage. I couldn’t save it. But I’m ok, I’m in love once agin and I hope I won’t make the same mistake again.

So what’s with men and spice??? Men would always look for something new and exciting. Something new to their taste and preference. the important thing with us women is that we have to do our best to keep the fire burning. Bring lots of spice in the marriage and relationship. Be a little more adventurous, try something different. Something kinky. Red lingerie, hand cuffs, whipped cream, candles, a pole, role playing, whatever it takes to make it really special and enticing. Men are visual in general. When they like what they see and they want it bad and they try to get it. It stimulates their brain and senses and most especially their ****.


So why not add a little spice, it won’t hurt.
What’s a little spice in our relationship, when it could keep your man hooked.

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Dating, Family, Health, Parenting, Relationships

….battered women

People may start wondering why I am blogging about this very sensitive issue, Is she a battered woman? In some ways, YES! Emotionally battered if I may say. But my topic for today’s blog is more on violence against women which is becoming very rampant nowadays. I am deeply saddened and full of rage every time I hear stories about women being abused. There are so many different ways a woman is being abused. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and so on.


I am sitting here on my laptop thinking of the lady friends I know who suffered so much in the hands of ruthless, mean and no good for nothing men in their lives. One of my best friends endured the physical, verbal and emotional torment in the hands of her then boyfriend and now ex husband. I vividly remember the time when she would report for work with dark bruises on her arms and body. She would confide in me how she was punched, pushed and slapped on the face. I could not believe nor comprehend the experience my friend endured. I could not do anything, I was just there angry, sad and devastated. All I could is listen, comfort her, support her, give her words of wisdom and understanding. My other friend who has a live in partner that has a drug addiction problem who physically and sexually abuses her. At one point when she just gave birth to their second child, the crazy partner opened the gas tank and attempted to open his lighter. While holding onto her month old baby, fighting her partner, and trying to get the lighter from him. Just imagine if she wasn’t able to stop him. The whole house could have exploded and they all died with their baby. Sometimes she would be tied to the bed whenever they have sex. Sick guy! Another friend who is also close to my heart, refuses to leave her dear husband for his unending womanizing ways. Emotionally, my friend is battered. You can see in her eyes the sadness, the hurt and the frustration every time her husband fools around with other women. It affects her work and her overall personality


Battered Women, who experience domestic violence suffers emotional abuse. The effects are not physical alone. It puts a mark on the inner being of a woman. My observation on my friends is that they share the same thinking. He will change, he was just angry, I love him, I want to save the marriage, I don’t want my kids to grow up without a father, I want my family to be intact. I have heard these lines too many times every time I try to talk to them and tell them to just leave or report it to the authorities. They will just cry and take it all in. So what now? These women will do anything, accept anything, for the sake of a complete family. They will suffer the bruises, the harsh words, the kicks, punches and embarrassment.
Battered women becomes numb to the things they endure day in and day out. It’s like they get used to it that they allow this type of abuse to go on and on. In the long run a battered woman suffers low self-esteem, post traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, fear and they have a hard time trusting men again once they become separated from their abusive partners.

low self esteem

I have been abused emotionally. I took it all in for about four years and I just felt I owe it to myself to let him go while I still have respect for myself and my self-esteem is hanging by a thread. But never will I allow a man to hurt me physically. Not a chance. not even a push. Nobody is allowed to hurt or maligned anyone. It’s our body and we have to protect it from anyone who will attempt to hurt us may it be physical or emotional. I once said to my mother if a man tries to hurt me or succeeded to punch me I will fight back like there is no tomorrow. I will never ever allow myself to be a battered woman. I love myself too much and I want my children to respect me and look up to me. I want my children to grow up strong, and not living a life in fear.

Men who hurt women physically are total cowards. This is so true! I know this for a fact. They can only hurt women but they are so afraid whenever they are confronted by authorities or family members. These are men who doesn’t have balls, who can only hurt women and not their own kind. Total idiots. They think it’s so macho to womanize. Well, it’s not! It’s stupid to flirt around and sleep around most especially if you have a beautiful, successful wife waiting for you at home. Why marry a woman and get stuck with her for the rest of your life, when all you want to do is put your freaking D*** inside every woman you meet??? A man thinks he is tough whenever he could punch a woman on the face. Why not try someone your own size and gender? Or better try entering UFC or the WWE? Then you can beat up all the men you want.


Women should never allow this to happen to them whatever the circumstances they are in. NEVER!!!! In the first instance this happens, I tell you LEAVE, FLEE! If you are not doing anything wrong then you must not suffer. We were not born to suffer at the hands of an abusive partner. Love yourself more, there are people who loves you and cares for you so much. Think about your children, your parents, your siblings. A man is just a man. If he is abusive then he doesn’t deserve YOU at all. There are far better things in life that you can have that you can enjoy. There are people who appreciates your talents, your skills and you’re being you.

Life should be enjoyed! There may be problems along the way. Trials come and go but to be miserable because you allow a man to hurt you over and over is just a plain No, NO. Free yourself from the stress, the sadness and the violence in your life. You can breathe easier and live a life without fear and danger. Life is already complicated don’t complicate it more.


Posted in Behaviour, Children, Dating, Family, Parenting, Relationships

Do we need a Knight in Shining Armour?

I have been a single mom for almost 10 years now. Many would ask how I cope, how I have survived the many challenges of single parenting. Some would say it would be easier if I find a partner who would help me go through life. Someone I can be with when the children are all grown up. Someone, I can depend on when times get difficult, Someone, who would help me financially, someone who would help me raise my kids. I have always given thought about these things however, when I really give a deep though about it, It’s like I need rescue from a Man, I need a Knight in Shining Armour. I said to myself, yeah! times are tough when you are alone but if you have this kind of thinking of wanting to have someone to help you out with all the dramas in life. It’s kinda wrong to want someone in your life to be just a life saver. Do I need rescue? Do I need help? Do I need a man who would pull me out of my misery? Am I a Damsel in distress? Maybe, maybe not.

Knight 2

You go into a relationship to be happy. To stay in love. To have someone to share a future. To share your thoughts, your dreams and your passion in life. Having a partner not necessarily mean that he/she will shoulder your burdens, Of course, once you become a couple, it’s automatic that you help out each other in everything. My point is we don’t look for a Man or a Knight or even a prince to save us from the maddening world of life. Women don’t need saving. We can definitely help ourselves. We have ways and means to solve our own problems. Men and relationships is a bonus in life specifically for Women like me who is a single parent.


To be gifted by a loving and generous man is really a blessing. If he comes, then great! If he doesn’t, then it’s perfectly fine. Sometimes, I think about fairy tale princesses like Sleeping Beauty, what if her Prince Charming did not come and kiss her? What if Cinderella’s Prince did not find her and the shoe fit someone else? What if Snow White’s Prince never found her? I guess things would have been different. It would not have been a fairy tale after all. But do Women really need rescuing? What if we can be our own Knight in Shining Armour? I have been blessed with patience, a strong personality and a courage of a warrior. I believe I am in my own right a Knight in Shining Armour. I am my kid’s hero. I am their inspiration, I am their strength. So I am a Knight in Shining Armour, in the eyes of my kids I am and will always be their Knight.


I am not saying we don’t need Men. Relationships makes our lives happier. It inspires us to be more beautiful inside and out. It spices up our lives and adds a smile in us. As I’ve said, finding a really nice man would be a bonus. Not finding him is not a loss.

So do we really need a Knight in Shining Armour? Nah! Just a simple guy who will give us all the love and understanding and a little extra from his savings. Ha ha ha! Just kidding….