Category Archives: Religion

A Mother’s heart never heals when a child dies…

It was exactly seven years ago, a normal day at the hospital. I just finished feeding Luke through the tube on his nose. My 5 month old baby with a rare genetic disorder called Methylmalonic Acidemia.
We both dozed off while I was caressing his tiny little head. I was dreaming we were home. The nanny woke me up and said Luke may have stopped breathing. I looked and I thought it was just another seizure attack. The nurses were called as well as the doctors. They said my little boy stopped breathing. They revived Luke, deep down inside I hoped that it was just one of his usual attacks. After 2 months in the hospital I was getting used to the fact that he will have these seizure attacks after the diagnosis.

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Methylmalonic acidemia is a disorder, passed down through families, in which the body cannot break down certain proteins and fats. The result is a build up of a substance called methylmalonic acid in the blood. The disease is usually diagnosed in the first year of life. It is an autosomal recessive disorder, which means the defective gene must be passed onto the child from both parents. The disease can cause seizures and stroke. Babies may appear normal at birth, but develop symptoms once they start eating more protein, which can cause the condition to get worse.

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I was in denial. After the death of my third child Andre who died of the same disease I was very hopeful that my youngest will survive this. The clock was ticking, and the ICU nurses were called to our room. It was a code Blue for the hospital. The metabolic doctor arrived and helped with reviving of my son. I was calling random people on my mobile phone, asking for prayers and support. My heart was pounding and I was in tears. I hoped and prayed. Please God, not again. Forty five minutes and they stopped. Our doctor looked at me and said “Maybe Luke is tired already, maybe he wants to rest.” She ordered the tubes to be removed from Luke and he carried him and gave him to me. She asked me, “You want to hold your baby? Luke is still your baby.” I took his lifeless body away from the doctor and started crying. I couldn’t remember that I was hugging him so close to my chest that maybe I was about to crush him with my pain and agony. I can’t explain the pain of losing another child. My then husband tried to take him away from me because I was now crying profusely. When Luke was laid on top of the bed. I cleaned his fragile body, put powder on his body and face, changed his clothes even his diaper. Place a blanket on his body while the tears ran down my face. I looked at his angelic face and I knew he was peaceful. After his long battle, rest came to him and somehow there was a tinge of peace inside my heart. I just couldn’t believe it that I lost another beloved child.

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But still, I keep questioning myself and God, Why???? Why take my baby away from me? Could I have done more to make him well? What did I do wrong to deserve this? The pain was unbearable especially that it was the second time that I lost a child from the same genetic disorder. My marriage was falling apart then and my children were the source of strength and joy but with the passing of my youngest son I was lost. I was hurt and I was broken. I did not know what to do nor feel. I was becoming numb because of the pain. I find comfort in memories of days I spent with Luke. Days that I saw a smile on his face. Days that we had in the park, Days we spent at home listening to music. Those days I will forever cherish in my heart. I kept their things in a box. Clothes I do not wish to give nor share with others. For me their stuff was sacred. Some people said I have not moved on nor healed. I can say, YES! I have moved on. Life goes on even without the special people around you. But the heart of a Mother never heals when a dear child dies. It will forever be broken. I have learned to deal with the pain through the years. I talked about them as much as I can. I still shed tears whenever I have my quiet moments alone. The pain never goes away, it’s just there. It never passes. You just learn to cope day by day. Many worried for me because they say it’s just too much to bear to have lost 2 children. I have a strong personality and I still have 3 living children that need me most especially with the difficult situation of my marriage breaking down. I knew I needed to be strong for them too. My children Andre and Luke would not want me to be unhappy with their passing. I am very sure that they wanted me to move on and be happy. I am fine now but I must admit that there are days that I just want to break down and die. But I just can’t give up just like that. I know they wouldn’t want their mother to quit easily. Life is precious. There are people who needs me, a mission I still need to fulfill.

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Everything happens for a reason. And I have leaned to be a better person and be the best mom to my children. Lessons I have learned which I want to share with others. A story of courage, love, hope and faith.

Today, I remember my beloved Luke or Porkee as we fondly call him. I remember his very short life that brought so much love and happiness. I know that where he is right now is a much better place with no more pain, hunger, fear, sickness and hate. He was given to me to be a part of my life and my heart. For me to become whole.

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I love you Luke! you will never be forgotten and you will forever be loved. Rest my sweet angel.

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never forgotten….

Today we are remembering our dearly departed loved ones. We have a misconception that November 1 is All Soul’s day but in fact it is All Saint’s Day and November 2 is All Soul’s Day but nevertheless, it is a time and day of remembering our loved ones who once made our lives happy and unforgettable.

I miss my Dad… Every single day since he passed. I would say I have not totally moved on nor recovered. I know that he is now at peace. I should never worry or be sad. I just miss his presence. I miss and love you Dad!

I remember Lolo Vicente. Even if he was not my biological grand father. I was his favorite grand-daughter. He looked after me when Mom and Dad were at work and my brother was in school. He spoiled me. He was blind but it was not a hindrance for him to take care of me when I was a little girl. While I am doing this I can’t help but feel lonely. I miss Lolo Vicente. I am also remembering my 2 favorite Aunts. Auntie Cely and Auntie Mercy. They are women that I truly respect and love so much. They have shown the true meaning of being selfless, giving and helping others. I love them dearly. I also remember today my in-laws. Mama Beth and Papa Cesar. They have been so kind and understanding. They accepted me in their lives. Welcomed me and supported me and my (ex) husband during trying moments especially during the passing of my 2 little boys. I want to thank them. I am truly blessed that they have been a big part of my
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Of all the dearly departed that I remember today is my 2 little boys. Zean Andre and Luke Martin. Although they have been a part of my life for just a short period of time, they have brought so much joy, love and inspiration. I have become a stronger person, a better mom and a God-fearing woman. It saddens me whenever I remember my beautiful angels. Sometimes I wish they were still here with me and their other siblings. My life would have been different with 5 kids.

Today is a day of remembering our loved ones who once enjoyed life and made a big significance in this world but for me they should never be forgotten. They may not be here with us anymore, but the memories, the laughter, the tears and the love we have shared with them will forever be in our hearts. Soon, it would be our time but we never want to be forgotten by the ones we will be leaving behind. We don’t want to be just memories, we want to leave lasting impressions of love and inspiration….

I am most thankful for…..

There are times when we get preoccupied with a lot of things in life that we forget to count our blessings. This blog may sound religious in nature but whether a person believes in religion or not we still have to be thankful for everything that we have.

Everyday, I start my day with a prayer. My day is not complete without giving thanks to the Supreme Being, my Lord, God and Savior. If I am not able to pray at home, I make it a point that I pray on my way to work. The very first thing that I say to my God is “Thank you Lord for this day that you have given me.” I am thankful that I am still alive and breathing and I will be able to spend this day with my kids and loved ones and I will be able to go to work happy, healthy and safe. Second, “Thank you Lord for my children.” Thank you for giving them to me as they give me so much joy and happiness. They are the reason why I remain strong in spite of all the trials and hardships in life. I remain focused and inspired because of them. Third, “Thank you Lord for two sets of parents, my biological and adoptive parents.” Thank you for letting me have two dads and two moms. For without them I will not be the person I am right now. Fourth, “Thank you Lord for my brothers and sisters.” I am lucky to have siblings that I know who will protect me and love me no matter what. Fifth, “Thank you Lord for the special people who never fail to help me in times when I needed help.” These are people who help, love, accept and forgive me over and over without question. Sixth, “Thank you Lord for the food on the table, money inside my wallet and the home where I live. “Seventh, “Thank you Lord for my job, for without it I won’t be able to send my children to school and I am able to provide for their needs.” Eighth, “Thank you Lord for my creditors and debtors, they have been compassionate and patient with me.” Ninth “Thank you Lord for my Dad whom you gave 81 years to me and my family, Thank you for giving me my two babies even for a short period of time, they made me a better and stronger mother and person.” Tenth, “Thank you Lord for friends.” Real friends who will never leave my side even if worst comes to worst and not friends who will leave me because I am poor and I am not famous. Friends who are loyal and will remain true whatever happens. And lastly, “Thank you Lord, for YOU.” You are everything to me, For loving me, helping me and giving me all the blessings that I am thankful for right now.

As I have said it is really not a matter of religion, whether we believe in God or not. The thing is we should be appreciative of the things that we have, may it be good or bad, small or big. Counting your blessings makes one more at peace rather than counting the bad misfortunes we encounter.

Come to think of it, while I was typing this blog I realized I am truly blessed. I will just work hard and pray harder for the extra things that I need.

We just have to remember that there is always something to be Thankful for.