Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings

A Mother’s Pain

It’s been quite a while since I last posted a Blog. Well, I have been really busy doing a lot of things left and right. Being a full-time mother to my grown-up children, a daughter to an 81-year-old mother who has an onset of dementia, grandmother to a year and a half old grandson, sister, friend, counselor, cook, baker, virtual worker, name it I’m doing it. A very personal and emotional thing happened to me just a few days ago Let me tell you a story of a Mother’s pain.

What is a Mother??? What is her role? Until when does a mother serve and give herself to the service of her family and kids? What are her boundaries? Is a mother’s love eternal and unconditional? I started young, I had my first child when I was 18 years old. Back then I really had no idea what motherhood was. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs since my first child. I was not a Mother Theresa, I was not a perfect mother but I know I as time passes by, I learned from all the experiences that I have encountered in the course of my being a Mom. Life was not easy. Sometimes I want to give up and sometimes I just wanted everybody to just leave me alone. But looking back I am grateful for having so many special people helping me along the way, teaching me, correcting me. I couldn’t have done all of those responsibilities and trials if not for people who cared and mattered to me the most.

Motherhood is not being able to prove to anyone that you can do it all alone, it’s not showing off to people that you are a hands-on Mom or a Super Mom. It is acknowledging the fact that yes, you need people around you, who will teach you, make you a better person, mold you to become a good Mom. I am a work in progress. I never said I was perfect. The world doesn’t revolve in me alone. I am still learning to be a good Mom. I still want to love and take care of people not only my children and grandson. I want to be better because I know there is still so much to learn with so little time.

A mother’s love is unconditional and eternal. You can have different husbands, wives and even change your sexual preferences but a Mother is eternal and constant. Forgiving and forever loving a child that will test her patience and boundaries.

I am in so much pain as I am writing this Blog. When a child looks at you and has not looked back at all the things that you have sacrificed and done for that child to be happy and successful. When a child looks at you and tells you were just there because you wanted money. Not ever thinking of the everyday sacrifice that you have to go through from day one, the countless battles of sleepiness and tiredness, the bills that need to be paid, work that needs to be done and have fought tooth and nail for all the bad things thrown to a child’s face. To always believe what a child says even though sometimes a mother doubts the innocence. But yes! till the very end, the mother will protect and standby her child.

Respect, acknowledgment and a small amount of love and appreciation. Your pride will not get you anywhere. It did not even settle with your friends. How much more with your family? Have you ever asked yourself why people leave, why they don’t talk to you anymore?

One day you will realize this when your child is all grown up and you’re getting older. I’ve done my part, I’ve said everything that I can say. The hurt will always remain in my heart but who am I not to forgive a child who will only acknowledge her faults and throw away that pride and broken ego. It’s not about me, it’s not a pity party. Someday when I am no longer around and you will read this and realize what my heart is telling you. We may never go back to the way were in the past but moving on, You are a mother too, listen to your own heart, Open your mind, it’s not going to break you as a person nor make you less of a person but instead it will make you a compassionate and dedicated person.

A mother’s heart can endure a thousand more pain, but the soul sometimes gets too weary and tired.

We may never find each other nor speak heart to heart but forever you will be in my heart but for now, I’ll let you be as I start a new journey in rehabilitating my broken heart and soul. I am tired, really tired I think it’s time for me to take care of ME.






Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings, Uncategorized

when time flies so fast….

I could still remember the time I had my first child Camille 19 years ago. It took my family by surprise that I was about to give birth to my lovely daughter. I was not prepared for motherhood at that time. I did not know what to expect. I did not know what mother’s are supposed to do. I was turning 18 then. I missed my debut, I had to stop school for a while but I never treated it as a failure in my life. I was young and I knew back then so many things can still happen. I went back to college went on with my life. It was so normal for me. I started working part-time because I did not want to burden my parents with everything. I would admit I was not able to enjoy being a first time mother. My child called me Achie, it was chinese for Big sister. I did not really mind because we were together most of the time and I love her. She was adorable. Loves to sing even if she can’t carry a tune. She likes putting lotion on my tummy. Loves to read books and magazines which now I know why she wants to be a writer after her degree in Mass-communications. She grew up to be an Achiever. From Pre school to College, Camille never failed to bring home the bacon. Medals, certificates, achievements. She gave it to me and I am a proud Mama.

Camille at 19
Camille Soto 2

Three years had passed and I had my second child Coleen. I thought all long he was a boy. I did not have an ultrasound because I wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised when I saw her and the doctor said “It’s a girl!” All I could think about was ‘AGAIN!” another girl??? But she was a darling. She was an extrovert. A show off. She would dance for everyone, talk non stop. She grew up a little naughty. Living her life as if there’s no tomorrow. Trying different things, experimenting. I could partially see myself in her. I call her “the REBEL” Although she is not as bad as I was when I was her age but she tends to go beyond. I let her do what she wants but I guide her. She knows that I wouldn’t allow her to do stupid stuff like I used to. I know better now. She’s my musician. She is great with the guitar. Has so much passion with music and Information Technology. She gave me grades of 1.5 for her First year in college. Who wouldn’t be proud of her? I am.

Coleen at 15

My one and only living boy is Paul. Pao-pao as we fondly call him. My quiet warrior. He was born a year after his older brother Andre passed away. (You would know the history of this if you have read all my blogs). Pao is my miracle baby. He had a baby brother named Luke who also passed away 5 months after birth. Pao is such a joy to all of us. My daughters never felt jealous about the love he was showered. He is the baby of the family. What I like about Pao is he silently cares for the people around him. He doesn’t talk much but you would feel the love he has for you. Pao is the type of child who takes everything in stride. No pressure! He is a cool dude. Only worries when he has nothing to eat or nothing to do at home. He loves basketball, going to the mall and eating ice cream. I don’t really pressure him to do good in school. I just want him to enjoy himself. He is my teddy bear. I hug him even if he is now a teenager. sometimes he feels awkward most especially when there are people around us.

Paul at 13

I guess my kids gave me everything that I never got as a child, teenager even as an adult. I had so many frustrations in life. I wanted to do so much more which I never did. but my kids are my greatest achievements. They have done so many things I am truly proud of. Whatever they have achieved in life, in my heart I know I was part of that. I am just the happiest Mom and the most fulfilled one because of my children. They inspire me, made me a better person. I am a complete person even without a man. I will forever be thankful to my kids.

Oh how time flies, I could still remember their faces as babies. When all they could say was Mama, help! Mama, ouch! Mama, don’t leave me. Now, they go on with their teenage lives. Started dating, being with friends most of the time. Doing their thing. I am not the conservative type of Mom. I let them be. I allow them to go out in the world and experience life first hand. I still have control but I allow them to be on their own, to make decisions for themselves. I am still here to guide them and give them advice. I want them to grow up strong, mature and disciplined individuals. I grew up with a very strong personality. I want them to have that. I don’t want people stepping on their toes. I want them to stand up for what they believed in. I love my children so much. Sometimes I feel sad that one of these days they will have their own lives, their own families and their own careers. I might end up alone. But I know my kids so well. We just couldn’t live without each other. but whatever paths they choose, whatever lives they want to live, I am just here to support them, nurture them and love them all the way. Mama will always be there for them, no matter what.

my precious

I tell this to all parents to love your children, spend time with them, listen to them, allow them to breathe and spread their wings. Our children are the most precious jewels we will ever have. No husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend can take their place in our lives. Time flies so fast that if you do not cherish moments with them it will just pass by and you will just have regrets that you never had the chance to be with them.

Love them, protect them, nurture them….. Sometimes, they are all you’ve got in this world.

Posted in Behaviour, Family, Health, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Religion, Siblings

A Mother’s heart never heals when a child dies…

It was exactly seven years ago, a normal day at the hospital. I just finished feeding Luke through the tube on his nose. My 5 month old baby with a rare genetic disorder called Methylmalonic Acidemia.
We both dozed off while I was caressing his tiny little head. I was dreaming we were home. The nanny woke me up and said Luke may have stopped breathing. I looked and I thought it was just another seizure attack. The nurses were called as well as the doctors. They said my little boy stopped breathing. They revived Luke, deep down inside I hoped that it was just one of his usual attacks. After 2 months in the hospital I was getting used to the fact that he will have these seizure attacks after the diagnosis.


Methylmalonic acidemia is a disorder, passed down through families, in which the body cannot break down certain proteins and fats. The result is a build up of a substance called methylmalonic acid in the blood. The disease is usually diagnosed in the first year of life. It is an autosomal recessive disorder, which means the defective gene must be passed onto the child from both parents. The disease can cause seizures and stroke. Babies may appear normal at birth, but develop symptoms once they start eating more protein, which can cause the condition to get worse.


I was in denial. After the death of my third child Andre who died of the same disease I was very hopeful that my youngest will survive this. The clock was ticking, and the ICU nurses were called to our room. It was a code Blue for the hospital. The metabolic doctor arrived and helped with reviving of my son. I was calling random people on my mobile phone, asking for prayers and support. My heart was pounding and I was in tears. I hoped and prayed. Please God, not again. Forty five minutes and they stopped. Our doctor looked at me and said “Maybe Luke is tired already, maybe he wants to rest.” She ordered the tubes to be removed from Luke and he carried him and gave him to me. She asked me, “You want to hold your baby? Luke is still your baby.” I took his lifeless body away from the doctor and started crying. I couldn’t remember that I was hugging him so close to my chest that maybe I was about to crush him with my pain and agony. I can’t explain the pain of losing another child. My then husband tried to take him away from me because I was now crying profusely. When Luke was laid on top of the bed. I cleaned his fragile body, put powder on his body and face, changed his clothes even his diaper. Place a blanket on his body while the tears ran down my face. I looked at his angelic face and I knew he was peaceful. After his long battle, rest came to him and somehow there was a tinge of peace inside my heart. I just couldn’t believe it that I lost another beloved child.


But still, I keep questioning myself and God, Why???? Why take my baby away from me? Could I have done more to make him well? What did I do wrong to deserve this? The pain was unbearable especially that it was the second time that I lost a child from the same genetic disorder. My marriage was falling apart then and my children were the source of strength and joy but with the passing of my youngest son I was lost. I was hurt and I was broken. I did not know what to do nor feel. I was becoming numb because of the pain. I find comfort in memories of days I spent with Luke. Days that I saw a smile on his face. Days that we had in the park, Days we spent at home listening to music. Those days I will forever cherish in my heart. I kept their things in a box. Clothes I do not wish to give nor share with others. For me their stuff was sacred. Some people said I have not moved on nor healed. I can say, YES! I have moved on. Life goes on even without the special people around you. But the heart of a Mother never heals when a dear child dies. It will forever be broken. I have learned to deal with the pain through the years. I talked about them as much as I can. I still shed tears whenever I have my quiet moments alone. The pain never goes away, it’s just there. It never passes. You just learn to cope day by day. Many worried for me because they say it’s just too much to bear to have lost 2 children. I have a strong personality and I still have 3 living children that need me most especially with the difficult situation of my marriage breaking down. I knew I needed to be strong for them too. My children Andre and Luke would not want me to be unhappy with their passing. I am very sure that they wanted me to move on and be happy. I am fine now but I must admit that there are days that I just want to break down and die. But I just can’t give up just like that. I know they wouldn’t want their mother to quit easily. Life is precious. There are people who needs me, a mission I still need to fulfill.


Everything happens for a reason. And I have leaned to be a better person and be the best mom to my children. Lessons I have learned which I want to share with others. A story of courage, love, hope and faith.

Today, I remember my beloved Luke or Porkee as we fondly call him. I remember his very short life that brought so much love and happiness. I know that where he is right now is a much better place with no more pain, hunger, fear, sickness and hate. He was given to me to be a part of my life and my heart. For me to become whole.


I love you Luke! you will never be forgotten and you will forever be loved. Rest my sweet angel.

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Health, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings

A Hopeful 2013

I have not post a new blog for quite some time as I was preoccupied with so many things. I was harassed by an incident that left me penniless for the New year’s. Gladly, there were a few people who extended their help. This is one of the many things I am thankful for. 2012 was not kind enough to spare me the ordeal of facing tough moments and situations in life. However, it made me a better and stronger person. I cared more for people who give me unconditional love and patience. This year I also realized that I was never a part of a family whom I thought I belonged to. Through the years I always thought I was one of them but with one group message that changed everything. I may have turned my back on them now but they never realized that I got so hurt and disappointed. Now, I am a totally different person. If you don’t want me, I don’t want you either. I have kids who loves me so much. I have a mom even if at times we don’t agree on certain things but never turned her back on me. I have a brother who seldom speaks of the bad things I do but continuously loving, protecting and caring for me. Blood is thicker than water as they say. But, I stopped believing on this. Someday, they will realize. I was always not there. YES!!! it was not always my choice at all. Instead of reaching out, welcoming me into their lives, accepting me without question. I find myself in the sea of criticism, anger and disappointment. I was never perfect. but I always loved them and kept them in my heart.


2013 brings new hope. A fresh start. I want to say goodbye to 2012 not with a heavy heart but with lessons learned and a hopeful heart and mind. It was not that bad though. I lost, I gained, I found, but most of all I saw…
I know 2013 would be full of surprises. There would be challenges, tough roads ahead but I am positive that this year is a far better year for me and my family. God is truly good to me. After a long stressful year of 2012. He finally gave me one more reason to smile and be more happier.


I want to thank the people who have inspired me to move forward. I thank my children for being so supportive in all my endeavors, My Mom for trusting me more. My Brother Ed for never giving up on me. My cousins who shared my grief, my thoughts, my happy moments. My Uncles, Aunts who is always there for me. My friends/best friends/ close friends who never fails to understand and give support. My colleagues, my bosses, the company where I work for. I thank Mama and Papa for bringing me into this world. Thank you to both of you. Thank you Paqs, for brightening the latter part of my 2012. I hope and pray that it would be a brighter 2013 for us. We both know that this may be it for us. Thank you for putting a smile in my lips, for making me happy everyday. I promise to do the same. Finally, I thank God. For everything that I have. for everything that I have learned. Thank you God!


HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FAITHFUL READERS!!!! I promise to blog more this year. Wishing everybody a fruitful, Prosperous, Blessed and Loving 2013!!!!

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Religion, Siblings

I am most thankful for…..

There are times when we get preoccupied with a lot of things in life that we forget to count our blessings. This blog may sound religious in nature but whether a person believes in religion or not we still have to be thankful for everything that we have.

Everyday, I start my day with a prayer. My day is not complete without giving thanks to the Supreme Being, my Lord, God and Savior. If I am not able to pray at home, I make it a point that I pray on my way to work. The very first thing that I say to my God is “Thank you Lord for this day that you have given me.” I am thankful that I am still alive and breathing and I will be able to spend this day with my kids and loved ones and I will be able to go to work happy, healthy and safe. Second, “Thank you Lord for my children.” Thank you for giving them to me as they give me so much joy and happiness. They are the reason why I remain strong in spite of all the trials and hardships in life. I remain focused and inspired because of them. Third, “Thank you Lord for two sets of parents, my biological and adoptive parents.” Thank you for letting me have two dads and two moms. For without them I will not be the person I am right now. Fourth, “Thank you Lord for my brothers and sisters.” I am lucky to have siblings that I know who will protect me and love me no matter what. Fifth, “Thank you Lord for the special people who never fail to help me in times when I needed help.” These are people who help, love, accept and forgive me over and over without question. Sixth, “Thank you Lord for the food on the table, money inside my wallet and the home where I live. “Seventh, “Thank you Lord for my job, for without it I won’t be able to send my children to school and I am able to provide for their needs.” Eighth, “Thank you Lord for my creditors and debtors, they have been compassionate and patient with me.” Ninth “Thank you Lord for my Dad whom you gave 81 years to me and my family, Thank you for giving me my two babies even for a short period of time, they made me a better and stronger mother and person.” Tenth, “Thank you Lord for friends.” Real friends who will never leave my side even if worst comes to worst and not friends who will leave me because I am poor and I am not famous. Friends who are loyal and will remain true whatever happens. And lastly, “Thank you Lord, for YOU.” You are everything to me, For loving me, helping me and giving me all the blessings that I am thankful for right now.

As I have said it is really not a matter of religion, whether we believe in God or not. The thing is we should be appreciative of the things that we have, may it be good or bad, small or big. Counting your blessings makes one more at peace rather than counting the bad misfortunes we encounter.

Come to think of it, while I was typing this blog I realized I am truly blessed. I will just work hard and pray harder for the extra things that I need.

We just have to remember that there is always something to be Thankful for.

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings

each child is unique

I have 3 wonderful kids and each one of them has special and weak traits. Even if a child comes from the same mother or the same set of parents still each child is uniquely different.

I treat each child differently in the sense that I know how to approach them individually. My eldest daughter Camille is the serious, girly type while my other daughter Coleen is the more happy-go-lucky and boyish type. Of course my only son Paul is the quiet, observant and reserved type. I can talk more with Camille about serious, heavy stuff like love, sex and heartbreak also about make up, shoes and accessories while with Coleen I can talk about the funny stuff, embarrassing moments and secrets. Paul is my frequent companion. He stays quiet and would speak his mind if needed. Although each of them show their separate individuality, the 3 of them get along just fine. They stand united in times of crisis. They talk about anything under the sun. share advice’s, they help, love and adore each other.

It is not always a smooth relationship though. There is also sibling rivalry but this happens rarely in our house. I taught them not to be jealous or envious but instead to support each other. If any of them succeed first then the others should be happy and supportive because with this type of attitude all of them will succeed because they know how to help and be supportive. There are times that they disagree on certain things but at the end of the day they learn to compromise and talk things among themselves.

Camille is like my partner in rearing her other 2 siblings. I tell her when I am just tired from all the stress of work and I need a break. This shows her the amount of responsibility I have as a parent and it also teaches her to take charge of any given situation because she is the oldest child and chances are the younger siblings will be dependent on her when I am not around. With Coleen, I talk more about our daily trials, our problems, my thoughts about life and love because as she is more of the happy-go-lucky type of person I am teaching her to be more responsible and sensitive to the people around her. I am training her to not only think of herself but of others as well. With Paul, it’s different. Although he grew up to be a very good boy. He never gave me headaches. Usually boys are more rowdy and difficult to handle most especially if a father is not around to help rear the child. I make it a point to teach him to be courteous and polite to girls. To be sensitive of the feelings of women and to protect his 2 sisters no matter what. It’s always a fun time with Paul. We both love to watch movies, stroll in the malls and to look for good food to eat.

Children are unique in their own special way but what is important for every parent to know is to treat them fairly and respect their individuality. Acceptance is very important too. We as parents are here to mold and guide them the right way but we have to accept and respect them for who and what they are. For me, children are supposed to be allowed to experience things on their own, to spread their wings. This helps build their character, make them more stronger. They may go astray sometimes but we have to be there whenever they fail and make mistakes.

Even if each child is unique, Genuine and Sincere love for them will make them feel secured, trust others and themselves more.