Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Family, Relationships

of loving and believing….

My long distance relationship turns out to be full of unwanted surprises. At first it felt like it was full of deceit and lies but when I really tried to look beyond the reasons why He tried to hide some stuff from me it makes a whole lot of sense. It’s been almost 6 to 7 months of non stop communication. What’s hard is that you really wouldn’t know the real person unless you meet them personally and live with them.

I am still struggling to put my complete trust and confidence in him but I know that if it’s really God’s will for us to be together, God will find a way and He will make things right.

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I have fallen in love for so many times and I have been hurt in the process but the hopeless romantic in me never stopped me from believing that there could always be a happy ending. Life would be a boring process without love. Love for your family, children, friends and most especially Love for a special someone. I have always wanted to be with someone who will love me, accept me, respect me and my children and whom I could grow old with. I never wanted to find a rich partner, nor a handsome young man. Just someone I could share my hopes, my dreams, my failures and my happiness.

I found something in this man I am in a relationship right now. He may be a thousand miles away from me but the security, the feeling of peace and love whenever I chat with him is just so relaxing and serene. So many challenges has rocked the relationship that at one point I almost gave up and never wanted to see him in the flesh. I prayed so hard that I will be guided with my decisions and I will be enlightened. Every time our relationship is put to the test, He would always be there and fight for us. He never gave up even if I was the one who would always raise my hands and surrender. He never turned his back on me even if I had the shortcomings of a little girl. At the end of the day I came back to him. I was tested twice of his true intentions, of his true feelings for me. I never wanted to see him nor speak with him, I tried blocking all communications but still the emotions are far too strong to disregard. I gave him one last chance. One last…

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My fault is that I have never been too trusting, always in doubt, always in question. My guard is always up. The fact that I don’t want to get hurt sometimes hurt me all the more. Of loving and believing the one that you really love, of letting go of all the negativity and doubts and just Loving, believing and trusting your Beloved. Love is a risk. I always said I don’t want to take anymore risks but right now I want to be happy and stay happy. I want to fall in love freely. I want to set my heart free and just be emotionally content. I want to trust more and love more.

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So I am letting go of all the emotional burdens, heartaches and sad memories and just look forward to the man that he really is. The man who loves me and never gave up. The man who makes my mornings brighter, the man who looks beyond my persona. The man who inspire me to lose weight and look prettier. My, best friend, my lover, my partner, The man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

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Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Relationships

Not that into you….

Well hello my dear followers!!!! I am so sorry for not being able to blog for almost 2 months. The past months was I should say the most crucial time in my career. I had to focus on my job, my health and my finances. Hmmm…. you might be wondering whatever happened to my long distance relationship. I am lost for words to describe what happened to him. He is still in the far away land of Sweden and I truly do not know if he is ever coming home. Sometimes, I just lost all hopes of ever seeing him in person. It’s been 5 months and a lot of my friends have been saying that I should be going out with real people, real men in the flesh. And so I did. I entertained a few men lately, went out on dates. Mostly for coffee, dinner, short talks and until recently I met a guy named Eric. I met him through a dating site and he lives near my place. He is a banker by profession. Initially, there was so much connection. We were of the same age, we share the same music, same sentiments about online dating. We were on the same genre. We chatted a few hours until he decided to call me on my mobile phone. We talked for 3 hours straight. It was like talking to a long-lost friend. I never felt anything romantic, just a connection to someone who listens, laughs and just the comfort of having someone there for me. The following day, we were texting, and him calling me during his breaks. I had a feeling that he might be feeling the same way. We found comfort in each other as friends. We decided to meet for drinks. I was nervous, skeptic. Though I saw his pictures not really bad-looking, not too handsome but fair and presentable. He went to my house with my directions and he even had a peek of my kids and he even said hello to them. He was very nice. A gentleman all the way. We spent the next 3 to 4 hours talking about our respective personal lives. Our past relationships, our music, our likes and dislikes. There was no hint that it was the last time we will ever see, talk or even text each other.

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The night ended him bringing me back home. I vividly remember what I said to him “Thank you, you are very nice, you’re a real gentleman.” And he answered back, Thank you, we’ll do this again. I said, Really? and he said Yes! I’ll text you when I get home and I said be careful and drive carefully. Don’t fall asleep because you’re still driving. He smiled. There was no good night kiss not even a peck on the cheek. He did not even held my hand even while we were still having drinks. He waited until the gate was opened for me. The last thing I heard him say was “Thank You”

I waited until he got home, but I never got a text from him, I fell asleep and in the morning I woke up and checked my mobile. No message from Eric. I texted him because I got worried, maybe something happened. He never replied. I got a message from him through the site and said Sorry, I left my mobile at home because I was in a hurry and the day was so toxic. Although I did texted him and said if he could just tell me what went wrong. Did I say or do something which may have offended him. Was I too ugly for him? Was I too comfortable when I was with him that I would just laugh at anything he would say and would joke around. What?!? What did I do? I just wish he has man enough to say that I can’t see you again because I don’t want to. Instead he left me hanging.

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I am an avid fan of Sex and the City and in one of the episodes wherein the character Miranda dated a guy once but the guy never called her again. She asked for the opinion of Carrie’s boyfriend and said when a man doesn’t call you after a first date “He’s not that into you!” He is not interested at all. I am just a bit disappointed because all along I thought we were friends. There was nothing romantic, we were fooling around, laughing at each other’s antics. We saw each other because we wanted to get to know each other more. I feel hurt, YES, because now I keep asking myself what did I do? and worst, I got rejected by someone I did not have romantic feelings.

It is quite unfair when you feel you’re being judged by someone who is not so perfect. An imperfect person has no right to judge nor find faults on someone who has been so accommodating, friendly, and accepting.
Now I wonder, was it a trophy for him to leave someone hanging? I do admit, I am not the super model type of woman, nor have I hidden the fact that I am a single mother of 3 teenage kids, I don’t know with him what dirty little lies he has kept under his sleeves. Did he ever question himself if I ever liked him at all?

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Well, lesson learned. You can’t please everybody. You try to be nice, you enjoy the moment, you let someone inside your crazy little life and you get nothing but disappointment and rejection.

I am ok…. My friends laugh about it. Maybe he can’t handle the fact that I was too strong-willed, independent and happy as a single mother. Or maybe, just maybe I was too perfect for him and he can’t handle it.

An imperfect world with so many imperfect people around. Who needs them? When you can be perfect in the eyes of people who truly appreciates, love and care for you. My guess is that He is not really into me but who cares? I don’t.

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings, Uncategorized

when time flies so fast….

I could still remember the time I had my first child Camille 19 years ago. It took my family by surprise that I was about to give birth to my lovely daughter. I was not prepared for motherhood at that time. I did not know what to expect. I did not know what mother’s are supposed to do. I was turning 18 then. I missed my debut, I had to stop school for a while but I never treated it as a failure in my life. I was young and I knew back then so many things can still happen. I went back to college went on with my life. It was so normal for me. I started working part-time because I did not want to burden my parents with everything. I would admit I was not able to enjoy being a first time mother. My child called me Achie, it was chinese for Big sister. I did not really mind because we were together most of the time and I love her. She was adorable. Loves to sing even if she can’t carry a tune. She likes putting lotion on my tummy. Loves to read books and magazines which now I know why she wants to be a writer after her degree in Mass-communications. She grew up to be an Achiever. From Pre school to College, Camille never failed to bring home the bacon. Medals, certificates, achievements. She gave it to me and I am a proud Mama.

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Three years had passed and I had my second child Coleen. I thought all long he was a boy. I did not have an ultrasound because I wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised when I saw her and the doctor said “It’s a girl!” All I could think about was ‘AGAIN!” another girl??? But she was a darling. She was an extrovert. A show off. She would dance for everyone, talk non stop. She grew up a little naughty. Living her life as if there’s no tomorrow. Trying different things, experimenting. I could partially see myself in her. I call her “the REBEL” Although she is not as bad as I was when I was her age but she tends to go beyond. I let her do what she wants but I guide her. She knows that I wouldn’t allow her to do stupid stuff like I used to. I know better now. She’s my musician. She is great with the guitar. Has so much passion with music and Information Technology. She gave me grades of 1.5 for her First year in college. Who wouldn’t be proud of her? I am.

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My one and only living boy is Paul. Pao-pao as we fondly call him. My quiet warrior. He was born a year after his older brother Andre passed away. (You would know the history of this if you have read all my blogs). Pao is my miracle baby. He had a baby brother named Luke who also passed away 5 months after birth. Pao is such a joy to all of us. My daughters never felt jealous about the love he was showered. He is the baby of the family. What I like about Pao is he silently cares for the people around him. He doesn’t talk much but you would feel the love he has for you. Pao is the type of child who takes everything in stride. No pressure! He is a cool dude. Only worries when he has nothing to eat or nothing to do at home. He loves basketball, going to the mall and eating ice cream. I don’t really pressure him to do good in school. I just want him to enjoy himself. He is my teddy bear. I hug him even if he is now a teenager. sometimes he feels awkward most especially when there are people around us.

Paul at 13
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I guess my kids gave me everything that I never got as a child, teenager even as an adult. I had so many frustrations in life. I wanted to do so much more which I never did. but my kids are my greatest achievements. They have done so many things I am truly proud of. Whatever they have achieved in life, in my heart I know I was part of that. I am just the happiest Mom and the most fulfilled one because of my children. They inspire me, made me a better person. I am a complete person even without a man. I will forever be thankful to my kids.

Oh how time flies, I could still remember their faces as babies. When all they could say was Mama, help! Mama, ouch! Mama, don’t leave me. Now, they go on with their teenage lives. Started dating, being with friends most of the time. Doing their thing. I am not the conservative type of Mom. I let them be. I allow them to go out in the world and experience life first hand. I still have control but I allow them to be on their own, to make decisions for themselves. I am still here to guide them and give them advice. I want them to grow up strong, mature and disciplined individuals. I grew up with a very strong personality. I want them to have that. I don’t want people stepping on their toes. I want them to stand up for what they believed in. I love my children so much. Sometimes I feel sad that one of these days they will have their own lives, their own families and their own careers. I might end up alone. But I know my kids so well. We just couldn’t live without each other. but whatever paths they choose, whatever lives they want to live, I am just here to support them, nurture them and love them all the way. Mama will always be there for them, no matter what.

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I tell this to all parents to love your children, spend time with them, listen to them, allow them to breathe and spread their wings. Our children are the most precious jewels we will ever have. No husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend can take their place in our lives. Time flies so fast that if you do not cherish moments with them it will just pass by and you will just have regrets that you never had the chance to be with them.

Love them, protect them, nurture them….. Sometimes, they are all you’ve got in this world.

Posted in Behaviour, Careers, Dating, Family, Food

my FIRST LOVE!!!

Have you ever fallen in love so deeply and passionately? Well, I did! Yeah, the moment I learned Home Economics at school I knew I was madly in love with COOKING!!!!!

This is an actual picture of my Pancit Canton and Carbonara
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It was not a boy that I first fell in love with but with Cooking. Well, at first I had a fling with Baking. I first tried my hand in Baking Cakes and Cookies. I was so hooked with my Mother’s oven at the age of 12. Whatever I learn from school I would try it at home. From Chiffon cake, Chocolate cake, Banana Nut Cake, Banana Carrot cake, Crema de Fruta, Pineapple upside down cake, Butter Cookies, Oatmeal Cookies and so on. My official tasters was my brother and my Dad. So hooked that my Dad would buy me ingredients on a weekly basis. I would spend so much time during weekends at my Mom’s kitchen. Mom saw the potential that she was planning to open up a small bakery for me. But as I’ve said, it was just a fling. I then moved on to the real deal. Cooking delectable dishes. My Dad was a natural cook. He is Chinese, so most of the dishes that he has passed on to me was Asian cuisine. I loved it! He taught me well and he passed down all the dishes he knew to me. Dad taught me Chinese Adobo which has a darker and richer sauce. My first lessons in the kitchen started with my nanny Edith. she was really a good cook that I couldn’t forget her Chicken Adobo (chicken with lots of garlic, pepper, soy sauce, laurel leaf, vinegar, sugar, salt and pepper). Her rice cakes and cassava cake. Edith taught me the basics of cooking. I am thankful for her.

Mom said I have a talent for copying the same exact dish even without a book or list of ingredients just by tasting it, I would know. Which was true. I love to experiment with flavors. I watch cooking shows to give me ideas on better mixing of spices and herbs. But all in all, my recipes are basically unique. It’s simply a trademark I have earned through the years of cooking for friends and family.

My Lumpia Shanghai, Tacos, Fried Chicken and Pasta
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Cooking for me is one of my greatest passions in life. Apart from Hosting events and Blogging. Cooking gives me the rush I need whenever I am feeling all the pains and problems of life. For me, it is not true that you must not cook whenever you feel pain or troubled because it would show on the taste and presentation of your food. For me, whenever I cook, I give my best. My very best. I think of the people who will partake of the dish. I want them to feel special, loved and satisfied. When I am in the kitchen, I feel like an artist. Creating art and flavor. I don’t feel tired even if I was cooking for 400 to 500 people, which I did when I tried the catering business. It was financially fulfilling and at the same time I was able to execute my passion.

Grilled Pork, Macaroni Salad, Nachos and Bicol Express
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I wish I could put up a restaurant business someday. I want to be able to showcase my creativity and talent. I have received numerous comments about my dishes. For me it is personal. I take it seriously whenever I cook it has to be perfection or at least put a smile on the face of my crowd. My greatest fan was my Dad. Whenever I learn something new or would want to try out a new recipe he would officially be the judge. He was my critic but it was all praises from him. Not because he was my dad but because he knew I got it from him. Dad knew I put my heart and soul in every dish I make. The enthusiasm of holding a Wok, slicing vegetables, sauteing garlic and onions. The adrenalin rush of meeting a delivery deadline. I would feel so tired but there’s no stopping. The kitchen is my kingdom. I am the queen there. It is so overwhelming most especially if the dish I am preparing is the most awaited meal by my family.

Cooking is such a pleasure for me. It releases my stress, allows me to forget my problems and sometimes it helps to score with men. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I get Wows! from the men I date whenever they find out I am a good cook. It helps though because they know that you know your way around the kitchen. they won’t get hungry or rely on Delivery take out services. I haven’t really cooked for my new partner yet. I am thrilled to be cooking for him for the first time when he arrives from Sweden this May. Well, I am confident that he would love my cooking and my dishes. Ha Ha Ha!

Chicken Curry, Pork Stew, Fried Chicken and Lumpiang Hubad
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My first true love is Cooking! I got hurt from all the frying, I cried from slicing onions, made me happy whenever I get good reviews. Satisfied me whenever I earn money from my catering jobs. At the end of the day, I am a fulfilled cook. I want to learn more, get as much experience as I can and hone my cooking skills further. Ah, The joys of Cooking. I will never get bored of this.

Posted in Behaviour, Family, Health, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Religion, Siblings

A Mother’s heart never heals when a child dies…

It was exactly seven years ago, a normal day at the hospital. I just finished feeding Luke through the tube on his nose. My 5 month old baby with a rare genetic disorder called Methylmalonic Acidemia.
We both dozed off while I was caressing his tiny little head. I was dreaming we were home. The nanny woke me up and said Luke may have stopped breathing. I looked and I thought it was just another seizure attack. The nurses were called as well as the doctors. They said my little boy stopped breathing. They revived Luke, deep down inside I hoped that it was just one of his usual attacks. After 2 months in the hospital I was getting used to the fact that he will have these seizure attacks after the diagnosis.

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Methylmalonic acidemia is a disorder, passed down through families, in which the body cannot break down certain proteins and fats. The result is a build up of a substance called methylmalonic acid in the blood. The disease is usually diagnosed in the first year of life. It is an autosomal recessive disorder, which means the defective gene must be passed onto the child from both parents. The disease can cause seizures and stroke. Babies may appear normal at birth, but develop symptoms once they start eating more protein, which can cause the condition to get worse.

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I was in denial. After the death of my third child Andre who died of the same disease I was very hopeful that my youngest will survive this. The clock was ticking, and the ICU nurses were called to our room. It was a code Blue for the hospital. The metabolic doctor arrived and helped with reviving of my son. I was calling random people on my mobile phone, asking for prayers and support. My heart was pounding and I was in tears. I hoped and prayed. Please God, not again. Forty five minutes and they stopped. Our doctor looked at me and said “Maybe Luke is tired already, maybe he wants to rest.” She ordered the tubes to be removed from Luke and he carried him and gave him to me. She asked me, “You want to hold your baby? Luke is still your baby.” I took his lifeless body away from the doctor and started crying. I couldn’t remember that I was hugging him so close to my chest that maybe I was about to crush him with my pain and agony. I can’t explain the pain of losing another child. My then husband tried to take him away from me because I was now crying profusely. When Luke was laid on top of the bed. I cleaned his fragile body, put powder on his body and face, changed his clothes even his diaper. Place a blanket on his body while the tears ran down my face. I looked at his angelic face and I knew he was peaceful. After his long battle, rest came to him and somehow there was a tinge of peace inside my heart. I just couldn’t believe it that I lost another beloved child.

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But still, I keep questioning myself and God, Why???? Why take my baby away from me? Could I have done more to make him well? What did I do wrong to deserve this? The pain was unbearable especially that it was the second time that I lost a child from the same genetic disorder. My marriage was falling apart then and my children were the source of strength and joy but with the passing of my youngest son I was lost. I was hurt and I was broken. I did not know what to do nor feel. I was becoming numb because of the pain. I find comfort in memories of days I spent with Luke. Days that I saw a smile on his face. Days that we had in the park, Days we spent at home listening to music. Those days I will forever cherish in my heart. I kept their things in a box. Clothes I do not wish to give nor share with others. For me their stuff was sacred. Some people said I have not moved on nor healed. I can say, YES! I have moved on. Life goes on even without the special people around you. But the heart of a Mother never heals when a dear child dies. It will forever be broken. I have learned to deal with the pain through the years. I talked about them as much as I can. I still shed tears whenever I have my quiet moments alone. The pain never goes away, it’s just there. It never passes. You just learn to cope day by day. Many worried for me because they say it’s just too much to bear to have lost 2 children. I have a strong personality and I still have 3 living children that need me most especially with the difficult situation of my marriage breaking down. I knew I needed to be strong for them too. My children Andre and Luke would not want me to be unhappy with their passing. I am very sure that they wanted me to move on and be happy. I am fine now but I must admit that there are days that I just want to break down and die. But I just can’t give up just like that. I know they wouldn’t want their mother to quit easily. Life is precious. There are people who needs me, a mission I still need to fulfill.

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Everything happens for a reason. And I have leaned to be a better person and be the best mom to my children. Lessons I have learned which I want to share with others. A story of courage, love, hope and faith.

Today, I remember my beloved Luke or Porkee as we fondly call him. I remember his very short life that brought so much love and happiness. I know that where he is right now is a much better place with no more pain, hunger, fear, sickness and hate. He was given to me to be a part of my life and my heart. For me to become whole.

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I love you Luke! you will never be forgotten and you will forever be loved. Rest my sweet angel.

Posted in Behaviour, Careers, Children, Relationships, Work Life Balance

What Motivates Me….

A lot has been said about what motivates a person. Each of us has his/her own motivation in life. Mine is as clear as daylight. What motivates me is my CHILDREN…. always and forever!

For some, Money is a motivator. Family, God, Fame, Promotion, Love, Excellence and so on are big motivators in life. But do we really seek our inner thoughts and inner being? What really motivates us? What drives us to reach something? Why do we need to motivate ourselves?

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Recently, due to the sudden turn of events, It made me think more seriously and deeply. I had to re motivate myself, made a list and asked myself what I should do to inspire the inner me to move forward and reach my goals in life. The first question that popped in my mind is What do I really need to achieve? Followed by, Why do I want to achieve it? How will I achieve it? I want to do good first and foremost with my work and career. In the next seven months, I aim to give an extraordinary performance. How will I achieve this? I have always known myself by working quietly and with no distractions around. I want to focus mainly on my tasks and getting a very positive result. I said to myself the other day that I will never engage in things that will hinder me from doing my best. Meaning, I will avoid people, things and situations that will cause me to lose focus. I have to keep my eye on the Gold. I am doing this not just for myself but for the people I owe so much. I am tired of fighting and saying my piece. I just want to keep quiet, and keep my act together.

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So What do I want to achieve after seven months? Simple, I want to get what I deserve. Eight years of hard work, loyalty and patience is tough. Why do I want to achieve it? I have worked so hard to come this far and it’s fair that I get it. How? By working very hard in the next seven months or so….

I will stay focus, show a different side of me. People may wonder what’s this new side of me and some may get worried but I don’t care as long as I’m doing my job and I’m not doing anything wrong I will be perfectly fine.

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Motivation must come from within. People may influence motivation but I am lucky that I learned it from myself alone. Lessons learned the hard way, but I am glad it did not change the real person in me. I stand up for what I believed in and say the things I strongly disagree with. I know when it’s wrong and I know when it’s right. I am still the same person but with a very different attitude this time.

Nobody will help you, unless you help yourself. Trust only yourself and only yourself and Make things happen!

Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Relationships

Sexy Time

It’s Valentine’s Day and maybe I was bitten by the love bug. (Just a little) Well, he is miles away from me but that wouldn’t keep me and Mr Boxer (his secret name) from keeping the flames burning. This is a lesson I have learned through the years of good and bad relationships. When we go into a relationship at the start we always put our best foot forward. We dress to impress, we say sweet nothings, we give grand gifts and we spend time with our partners like there’s no tomorrow but as years gone by we tend to fall in the simple routine of being in a relationship. We become so relax and complacent that things are smooth sailing. We tend to forget the special things we used to do for them Sometimes there is this thinking that we have been together for a long time, I married her/him so that’s it. It’s the grandest gesture. Then the problem arises. Or shall I say boredom strikes! Humans especially those in a relationship long for intimacy and passion. When we allow ourselves to fall into the routine, we tend to get bored, restless and dull. Sometimes our eyes wander. The longing for excitement, thrill and adventure takes over.

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How do we really keep the fire burning in our relationships. SIMPLE! by not being stagnant. Not allowing ourselves to fall in the routine of being so comfortable with how things are doing. We have to make it a habit to try something new. To explore different things together. It is not a hard thing to do if you really love the person and you want to make him/her feel very special. Sexy Time as some of my close friends would call it is a special time we share with our mates. It is not simply just SEX. It doesn’t happen in the bedroom all the time. It doesn’t require naked bodies or a hotel room. Sexy Time is a moment where you make your mate extra important and special. A simple sexy look, a bite in the lip, a soft caress, a kiss on the neck, running your fingers through his/ her hair. Candles all over the house with a bottle of red wine. A stimulating conversation. A view of the full moon while having an intimate dinner. A walk on the beach holding hands with a view of a gorgeous sunset. Everything else follows. Of course SEX is important. Who wouldn’t want to do it with the one you love? But we just need to spiced it up a little bit.

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There are so many ways to make your Sexy time even sexier. As I’ve said, your sexy time doesn’t necessarily involve a lot of SEX. Our Sexy Time may differ from one person to another but definitely our goal is to make it truly a memorable time and a night or day to remember.

When I say let’s make everyday Valentine’s Day. That really sounded so cliché. We don’t need Valentine’s to remind us that we have to show our love or to honor our loved ones. Yes, it’s a day where we celebrate LOVE but if you truly are in love with someone, We show our love, gratitude and appreciation for the one person that truly makes us happy and makes us want to live and dream and breathe every single day of our lives.

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Love is so amazing, It can change your life, it can make you cry but Love is just a wonderful feeling especially when shared with not only one person but with the rest of the world.

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Just spread LOVE everyday and life would be so much happier and light.