Posted in Behaviour, Children, Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships, Siblings

A Mother’s Pain

It’s been quite a while since I last posted a Blog. Well, I have been really busy doing a lot of things left and right. Being a full-time mother to my grown-up children, a daughter to an 81-year-old mother who has an onset of dementia, grandmother to a year and a half old grandson, sister, friend, counselor, cook, baker, virtual worker, name it I’m doing it. A very personal and emotional thing happened to me just a few days ago Let me tell you a story of a Mother’s pain.

What is a Mother??? What is her role? Until when does a mother serve and give herself to the service of her family and kids? What are her boundaries? Is a mother’s love eternal and unconditional? I started young, I had my first child when I was 18 years old. Back then I really had no idea what motherhood was. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs since my first child. I was not a Mother Theresa, I was not a perfect mother but I know I as time passes by, I learned from all the experiences that I have encountered in the course of my being a Mom. Life was not easy. Sometimes I want to give up and sometimes I just wanted everybody to just leave me alone. But looking back I am grateful for having so many special people helping me along the way, teaching me, correcting me. I couldn’t have done all of those responsibilities and trials if not for people who cared and mattered to me the most.

Motherhood is not being able to prove to anyone that you can do it all alone, it’s not showing off to people that you are a hands-on Mom or a Super Mom. It is acknowledging the fact that yes, you need people around you, who will teach you, make you a better person, mold you to become a good Mom. I am a work in progress. I never said I was perfect. The world doesn’t revolve in me alone. I am still learning to be a good Mom. I still want to love and take care of people not only my children and grandson. I want to be better because I know there is still so much to learn with so little time.

A mother’s love is unconditional and eternal. You can have different husbands, wives and even change your sexual preferences but a Mother is eternal and constant. Forgiving and forever loving a child that will test her patience and boundaries.

I am in so much pain as I am writing this Blog. When a child looks at you and has not looked back at all the things that you have sacrificed and done for that child to be happy and successful. When a child looks at you and tells you were just there because you wanted money. Not ever thinking of the everyday sacrifice that you have to go through from day one, the countless battles of sleepiness and tiredness, the bills that need to be paid, work that needs to be done and have fought tooth and nail for all the bad things thrown to a child’s face. To always believe what a child says even though sometimes a mother doubts the innocence. But yes! till the very end, the mother will protect and standby her child.

Respect, acknowledgment and a small amount of love and appreciation. Your pride will not get you anywhere. It did not even settle with your friends. How much more with your family? Have you ever asked yourself why people leave, why they don’t talk to you anymore?

One day you will realize this when your child is all grown up and you’re getting older. I’ve done my part, I’ve said everything that I can say. The hurt will always remain in my heart but who am I not to forgive a child who will only acknowledge her faults and throw away that pride and broken ego. It’s not about me, it’s not a pity party. Someday when I am no longer around and you will read this and realize what my heart is telling you. We may never go back to the way were in the past but moving on, You are a mother too, listen to your own heart, Open your mind, it’s not going to break you as a person nor make you less of a person but instead it will make you a compassionate and dedicated person.

A mother’s heart can endure a thousand more pain, but the soul sometimes gets too weary and tired.

We may never find each other nor speak heart to heart but forever you will be in my heart but for now, I’ll let you be as I start a new journey in rehabilitating my broken heart and soul. I am tired, really tired I think it’s time for me to take care of ME.

MOM

 

 

 

 

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Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Parenting, Relationships

Blogging my way back….

It’s been several months since I last blogged. I was so busy and pre occupied with my new work and my personal life. I have so many things to share and I am so sorry to disappoint my followers for not sharing my adventures and experiences the past few months. Anyway, I’m back and will do my very best to stay for good. Today marks my Anniversary with my partner Paqs. So many challenges, questions and trials but the good thing is that we made it!!!! Life has truly been different since he came along. I am much happier, content, more prayerful and more confident with myself. He made me feel I am truly special and that I am not less of a person because of the many things I have been through in life. The scars are no longer important when you truly love a person most especially when you fully embraced the person’s whole being. There are no questions asked, no looking back. I guess I am just looking towards the future. A future with him and a life of bliss. I thank him for the unconditional love and patience. I never thought I would find someone who could love and accept the person that I am. So thank you very much!!! I promise to do my very best to be the supportive partner you want me to be. I LOVE YOU so much Babe!!!

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What more can I ask for in life at this very moment??? Nothing…. Because I am content. I am in a place right now where I could just sit back and just taste happiness and peace. I pray for faith and trust so I could find my inner peace. I have also let go of the people who has always made me feel unwanted and very small. I had to because in order for me to move on I had to let go of the negativity surrounding me. I just want to be me. To be the person I want to be. I learn to love and respect myself even more and to love my children much much more.

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There are still challenges along the way but I have more faith in myself and in God. I know with a positive outlook and with a happy heart I could face anything that comes along. This year was really a tough one but it moulded me and taught me to be a better and stronger person and to stay focused on the things I want to achieve. God is indeed good to those who are patient and persevering. We just have to learn to really never give up and hold on to that faith. The goodness of one’s heart radiates in the totality of a person.

Happy and positive thoughts all the way!!!!

Posted in Behaviour, Careers, Children, Family, Relationships

when Patience is being tested

Through the years I have learned to live my life with different trials, hardships, heartaches and miseries. And through the years I have learned to fight, accept, move forward and forgive. They say Patience is a virtue, oh yes indeed!!! One of the virtues I have in my life is having the patience of a saint. I really do my best to keep calm in situations that I could not even comprehend. I have been through a lot in my life and for some this is a true testament of a person being so patient, strong and courageous. Persevering in the face of difficult circumstance. We all go through life in different directions and we handle things in our own ways. Sometimes, there are people you will meet and be part of your life who will surely test your patience and energy and will push you through the brink of insanity. These people are the inconsiderate ones. They have no idea what you go through life, they don’t care how you feel or how you are coping.

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when Patience is being tested, sometimes you think your intelligence is also being put to test. You question yourself, you question your abilities, even your own character. You feel like giving up in certain situations that you feel you’re being pushed away or being put down. Sometimes you feel like it’s being done intentionally to break your spirit.

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Lately, in all aspects of my life my patience is once again being tested. Oh yes, I cried. Bucket of tears, sleepless nights even getting sick just thinking about it. I came to a point in my life that I wanted to just raise my hands up and just move forward. I can’t! I just can’t! I have never been a quitter nor a whiner. I always face my problems head on. I have come so far in life and my children look up to me in terms of being Patient, strong-willed and brave.
Life is an endless battle. I can never ever give up. I owe it to myself and my children. Even if for some I am not deserving of something I have worked so hard for, I can never allow them to let me think that way.

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Test me, test my patience, test others but you can never put me down. I may cry, fall down, fail, but you can never have the life that I have lived. A life that is full of love, trust and care from people who believes in me and who will stand by my side no matter what.

Look at yourself in the mirror and see for yourself, Are you even worth my Time and Patience?

Posted in Behaviour, Careers, Children, Relationships, Work Life Balance

What Motivates Me….

A lot has been said about what motivates a person. Each of us has his/her own motivation in life. Mine is as clear as daylight. What motivates me is my CHILDREN…. always and forever!

For some, Money is a motivator. Family, God, Fame, Promotion, Love, Excellence and so on are big motivators in life. But do we really seek our inner thoughts and inner being? What really motivates us? What drives us to reach something? Why do we need to motivate ourselves?

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Recently, due to the sudden turn of events, It made me think more seriously and deeply. I had to re motivate myself, made a list and asked myself what I should do to inspire the inner me to move forward and reach my goals in life. The first question that popped in my mind is What do I really need to achieve? Followed by, Why do I want to achieve it? How will I achieve it? I want to do good first and foremost with my work and career. In the next seven months, I aim to give an extraordinary performance. How will I achieve this? I have always known myself by working quietly and with no distractions around. I want to focus mainly on my tasks and getting a very positive result. I said to myself the other day that I will never engage in things that will hinder me from doing my best. Meaning, I will avoid people, things and situations that will cause me to lose focus. I have to keep my eye on the Gold. I am doing this not just for myself but for the people I owe so much. I am tired of fighting and saying my piece. I just want to keep quiet, and keep my act together.

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So What do I want to achieve after seven months? Simple, I want to get what I deserve. Eight years of hard work, loyalty and patience is tough. Why do I want to achieve it? I have worked so hard to come this far and it’s fair that I get it. How? By working very hard in the next seven months or so….

I will stay focus, show a different side of me. People may wonder what’s this new side of me and some may get worried but I don’t care as long as I’m doing my job and I’m not doing anything wrong I will be perfectly fine.

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Motivation must come from within. People may influence motivation but I am lucky that I learned it from myself alone. Lessons learned the hard way, but I am glad it did not change the real person in me. I stand up for what I believed in and say the things I strongly disagree with. I know when it’s wrong and I know when it’s right. I am still the same person but with a very different attitude this time.

Nobody will help you, unless you help yourself. Trust only yourself and only yourself and Make things happen!

Posted in Behaviour, Dating, Relationships

Sexy Time

It’s Valentine’s Day and maybe I was bitten by the love bug. (Just a little) Well, he is miles away from me but that wouldn’t keep me and Mr Boxer (his secret name) from keeping the flames burning. This is a lesson I have learned through the years of good and bad relationships. When we go into a relationship at the start we always put our best foot forward. We dress to impress, we say sweet nothings, we give grand gifts and we spend time with our partners like there’s no tomorrow but as years gone by we tend to fall in the simple routine of being in a relationship. We become so relax and complacent that things are smooth sailing. We tend to forget the special things we used to do for them Sometimes there is this thinking that we have been together for a long time, I married her/him so that’s it. It’s the grandest gesture. Then the problem arises. Or shall I say boredom strikes! Humans especially those in a relationship long for intimacy and passion. When we allow ourselves to fall into the routine, we tend to get bored, restless and dull. Sometimes our eyes wander. The longing for excitement, thrill and adventure takes over.

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How do we really keep the fire burning in our relationships. SIMPLE! by not being stagnant. Not allowing ourselves to fall in the routine of being so comfortable with how things are doing. We have to make it a habit to try something new. To explore different things together. It is not a hard thing to do if you really love the person and you want to make him/her feel very special. Sexy Time as some of my close friends would call it is a special time we share with our mates. It is not simply just SEX. It doesn’t happen in the bedroom all the time. It doesn’t require naked bodies or a hotel room. Sexy Time is a moment where you make your mate extra important and special. A simple sexy look, a bite in the lip, a soft caress, a kiss on the neck, running your fingers through his/ her hair. Candles all over the house with a bottle of red wine. A stimulating conversation. A view of the full moon while having an intimate dinner. A walk on the beach holding hands with a view of a gorgeous sunset. Everything else follows. Of course SEX is important. Who wouldn’t want to do it with the one you love? But we just need to spiced it up a little bit.

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There are so many ways to make your Sexy time even sexier. As I’ve said, your sexy time doesn’t necessarily involve a lot of SEX. Our Sexy Time may differ from one person to another but definitely our goal is to make it truly a memorable time and a night or day to remember.

When I say let’s make everyday Valentine’s Day. That really sounded so cliché. We don’t need Valentine’s to remind us that we have to show our love or to honor our loved ones. Yes, it’s a day where we celebrate LOVE but if you truly are in love with someone, We show our love, gratitude and appreciation for the one person that truly makes us happy and makes us want to live and dream and breathe every single day of our lives.

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Love is so amazing, It can change your life, it can make you cry but Love is just a wonderful feeling especially when shared with not only one person but with the rest of the world.

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Just spread LOVE everyday and life would be so much happier and light.

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Dating, Family, Relationships

a Man and his bucket of lies…

I bet one way or another a woman is a victim of lying man out there. I for one was victimized by a vicious man who pretended to be separated from his wife and is always in dire need of money.

Well ladies, if you were once victimized by these suckers, WELCOME! WELCOME! I have never had the chance to write about him for several years now. It was indeed a very sensitive issue back then when I almost quit my job due to sheer embarrassment and self-pity.

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I met this man at the office where I am still working at present. He was not the good-looking man whom you would lay eyes every time he would pass by. I never knew he existed until a common friend introduced us. It was quite simple, he took my number from my friend started sending text messages. I was out of my marriage for about 2 or 3 years and at that time I was beginning to feel lonely and just wanted to be in a relationship. The funny thing was that everybody around us was telling me that his marriage was on the rocks and finally ended. I believed this sincerely but I knew deep inside me that something was off. Our relationship lasted almost a year. I would admit I loved him so much back then. But things started to get really weird when he started to borrow money from me. If you are in a relationship and you think that both of you are in love, you wouldn’t think bad about the person. So it was fine, I had a little extra so it did not bother me at first. Until it became worst, when at one point he would tell me that he was robbed. The robber got all of his salary, that he needs to pay the rent, that he needs to give money to his parents. etc…. At one point he asked me if we could get a loan and he would pay half of the amount. So I did apply for that loan but he never paid me. I applied for a mobile phone service wherein I could get 2 phones with 2 lines, he took the other phone but never really paid a single cent. This continued but I was becoming aware of his bad behavior. I knew this was not fair. And to think he was not even thinking that I have kids to support too. What really pissed me off was when I found out that he asked another woman from our office to go out with him. The good thing is that while I was a Senior in the company, most people have high respect towards me and told me about it. I confronted the girl and she told me that she felt he was trying to victimize her. His story was that he is waiting for a cousin to arrive because the cousin owes him a big amount of money. The girl and my ex had breakfast. When the girl went home she received a text message from the guy saying his cousin was robbed and all of his money was taken. Right there and then the girl knew that he was up to something. This made me realize that everything was all wrong.

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I was really becoming suspicious because during weekends, he would turn off his mobile phone so I can’t text or call him. I got the courage to open his locker and check his messages. Lo and behold when I saw his wife’s text messages. It wasn’t as if they were going through a rough patch. It was like they were like a normal loving couple.

To make this long story shorter, I told his wife. I wanted to come out clean. I wanted her to know what his philandering husband is doing. At first we were fine. The wife was really upset as she said it was the second time he did this to her. But as days gone by, the wife started singing a different tune. She was really upset with me and started to tell fabricated lies about me. This almost ruined my career. A male friend stood behind me and fought for me because they saw how broken, hurt and frustrated I was. This reached to a point wherein we had to settle this in the lower courts because it was really getting ugly and my family never knew about this whole mess. My kids were devastated and angry but God is really good and I have friends who backed me all the way. Friends who knew what really happened and friends who knew me inside and out. There were some who believed him that I was the desperate woman who wanted him so much. That I was out to destroy his marriage. It was once tagged as FATAL ATTRACTION. He never paid me back, he returned a different mobile phone. But I just closed my eyes and ears. I walked with my head held high. I knew and always believed in karma. Some people may think that I was the bitch in all of these. I was broke with a pile of debts because of him. But I knew back then the truth will come out someday. True to form it did.
He had another very similar case at the office. Another woman he victimized, made her fall in love, took money and embarrassed her in front of so many people. The girl approached me because one of our leaders told her of my story. She was very upset and I felt sorry for her because I felt I could have done something to prevent him from doing this again to other women. I know it was bad that it happened to another person but I felt vindicated to some people who once believed I was the bad guy.

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Years have passed and I saw him at a party. My male friend who was very protective of me told me that the guy was looking at me. My friend never left my side because he knew the guy might try something stupid. He did! When I was making my way to the bathroom and my male friend was at the bar, he said Hello!!! that I was a snob. He held my hand for a few seconds. I was stunned, petrified and angry that I want to slap him on the face!!! My girl friends realized this was happening pulled me away from him. I was still speechless and I was mortified. How could he just say hello and act as if nothing happened in the past that he almost destroyed me? Well, there are really people who can forget the wrongs they have done to people. Some of my female friends said that the wife may have known this strategy and may be using her husband to get money from other women. What a wicked and evil thing to do especially that they have children too. For me, this man has mastered the Art of Deceit. I am writing this because I want others to be aware that LOVE can be a disguise to DECEIT. Love is sometimes used by bad people to get what they want. And Love sometimes is used to hurt other innocent people like children and family members.

Some may ask me, Have you forgiven him? I can’t say YES, I can’t say NO. But he lost his job recently and I know God may have taught him a lesson or two and that God may just want me to forgive but not forget. Another lesson learned in Life and in Love.

Posted in Behaviour, Children, Dating, Family, Health, Parenting, Relationships

….battered women

People may start wondering why I am blogging about this very sensitive issue, Is she a battered woman? In some ways, YES! Emotionally battered if I may say. But my topic for today’s blog is more on violence against women which is becoming very rampant nowadays. I am deeply saddened and full of rage every time I hear stories about women being abused. There are so many different ways a woman is being abused. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and so on.

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I am sitting here on my laptop thinking of the lady friends I know who suffered so much in the hands of ruthless, mean and no good for nothing men in their lives. One of my best friends endured the physical, verbal and emotional torment in the hands of her then boyfriend and now ex husband. I vividly remember the time when she would report for work with dark bruises on her arms and body. She would confide in me how she was punched, pushed and slapped on the face. I could not believe nor comprehend the experience my friend endured. I could not do anything, I was just there angry, sad and devastated. All I could is listen, comfort her, support her, give her words of wisdom and understanding. My other friend who has a live in partner that has a drug addiction problem who physically and sexually abuses her. At one point when she just gave birth to their second child, the crazy partner opened the gas tank and attempted to open his lighter. While holding onto her month old baby, fighting her partner, and trying to get the lighter from him. Just imagine if she wasn’t able to stop him. The whole house could have exploded and they all died with their baby. Sometimes she would be tied to the bed whenever they have sex. Sick guy! Another friend who is also close to my heart, refuses to leave her dear husband for his unending womanizing ways. Emotionally, my friend is battered. You can see in her eyes the sadness, the hurt and the frustration every time her husband fools around with other women. It affects her work and her overall personality

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Battered Women, who experience domestic violence suffers emotional abuse. The effects are not physical alone. It puts a mark on the inner being of a woman. My observation on my friends is that they share the same thinking. He will change, he was just angry, I love him, I want to save the marriage, I don’t want my kids to grow up without a father, I want my family to be intact. I have heard these lines too many times every time I try to talk to them and tell them to just leave or report it to the authorities. They will just cry and take it all in. So what now? These women will do anything, accept anything, for the sake of a complete family. They will suffer the bruises, the harsh words, the kicks, punches and embarrassment.
Battered women becomes numb to the things they endure day in and day out. It’s like they get used to it that they allow this type of abuse to go on and on. In the long run a battered woman suffers low self-esteem, post traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, fear and they have a hard time trusting men again once they become separated from their abusive partners.

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I have been abused emotionally. I took it all in for about four years and I just felt I owe it to myself to let him go while I still have respect for myself and my self-esteem is hanging by a thread. But never will I allow a man to hurt me physically. Not a chance. not even a push. Nobody is allowed to hurt or maligned anyone. It’s our body and we have to protect it from anyone who will attempt to hurt us may it be physical or emotional. I once said to my mother if a man tries to hurt me or succeeded to punch me I will fight back like there is no tomorrow. I will never ever allow myself to be a battered woman. I love myself too much and I want my children to respect me and look up to me. I want my children to grow up strong, and not living a life in fear.

Men who hurt women physically are total cowards. This is so true! I know this for a fact. They can only hurt women but they are so afraid whenever they are confronted by authorities or family members. These are men who doesn’t have balls, who can only hurt women and not their own kind. Total idiots. They think it’s so macho to womanize. Well, it’s not! It’s stupid to flirt around and sleep around most especially if you have a beautiful, successful wife waiting for you at home. Why marry a woman and get stuck with her for the rest of your life, when all you want to do is put your freaking D*** inside every woman you meet??? A man thinks he is tough whenever he could punch a woman on the face. Why not try someone your own size and gender? Or better try entering UFC or the WWE? Then you can beat up all the men you want.

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Women should never allow this to happen to them whatever the circumstances they are in. NEVER!!!! In the first instance this happens, I tell you LEAVE, FLEE! If you are not doing anything wrong then you must not suffer. We were not born to suffer at the hands of an abusive partner. Love yourself more, there are people who loves you and cares for you so much. Think about your children, your parents, your siblings. A man is just a man. If he is abusive then he doesn’t deserve YOU at all. There are far better things in life that you can have that you can enjoy. There are people who appreciates your talents, your skills and you’re being you.

Life should be enjoyed! There may be problems along the way. Trials come and go but to be miserable because you allow a man to hurt you over and over is just a plain No, NO. Free yourself from the stress, the sadness and the violence in your life. You can breathe easier and live a life without fear and danger. Life is already complicated don’t complicate it more.

I LOVE YOU BUT I LOVE MYSELF MORE!!!!! right???